Push(25)

But he doesn’t say sex. In fact, he doesn’t say anything at all. Not out loud, anyway. But I can see it in his face. I can see that he is going to leave me if I don’t fix this.
I tell him I am desperate to show him how much I love him, but I don’t know how. What will make you happy? I ask. How can I show you we belong to each other, without having sex?
He scoffs quietly at me, narrows his eyes, and shakes his head in disbelief. Then he tells me that this isn’t about sex. It’s never been about sex, he says calmly. He turns away from me and starts to walk away. My desperation is growing. My heart is screaming at my body to make him stop. To keep him from leaving. He can’t leave me. He can’t. I won’t let him leave me because if he does, it means I failed at saving him. Without me, David will never have the opportunity to become the man I know he can be. He needs me, and I must make him see that. I step forward and catch his arm before he’s out of my reach. What is it, David? I say. What can I do? There has to be something. Anything. I’ll do it. I don’t want you to leave me, David. I want to make you happy. I love you. Let me show you how much.
He takes his backpack off and puts it on the ground. I can see that it’s heavy because of the way he moves. I want you to jump for me, he says. Jump off this bridge and let me save you. Then I will believe that you love me, and I will love you back. If you let me save you, it will save me, he says. And it will make me happier than I’ve ever been. Everything will be all right.
What??? Jump off a bridge? Let you save me? That will make you love me back? But then I see it. I see it very clearly. I see why he is asking me for this. For all the parts of his life that have gone wrong, this can go right. This he can reconcile. This he can control.
I understand now. I’ll do this, and he can “save” me, and we can move on. I will let David resolve all the bad in his life through my decision to do this. I love him, and I want to make everything better. Fine, I say quietly. I’ll do it.
David opens his backpack and removes a length of cord. He ties my hands together behind my back. Then he takes a pair of sandbags out of the backpack and ties them to my feet. I am confused until I realize that he wants to save me completely. He wants to do it without me having any ability to save myself.
I am suddenly struck with the bitter realization that that is the surrender he has asked for. He has asked me to surrender complete control of my life to him. He has asked me to surrender the choice of my own life or death to him. And I have agreed to it. Whether or not he chooses to save me doesn’t matter to him. It is only my surrender that matters. That is what will make him happy. That is how I will show him how much I love him.
This is not right. His want of complete control of whether I live or die is not right. I am afraid now. Afraid that he will make the wrong choice. That he will let me die. I tell him that I changed my mind. That I want him to untie me. I try to step away, but the bags are so heavy. I am yelling at him, telling him let me out of this stupid rope. David, I shout, please, please, untie me. This is so messed up. I don’t want this. I don’t want to do this. Please, untie me. Please. We can find another way.
Because I don’t know what else to do, I drop to my knees and tell him again to let me go. As I kneel at the edge of the bridge, I look up and see that he is smiling. It is the first time I have ever seen him smile. And it is a genuine, face-splitting smile. He is beautiful, and I am sure now that he is not going to save me because he is already happy. He is happy knowing that this moment—this choice—is his.
David moves behind me, and pushes me off the bridge. My feet are the last thing to leave, and as I am tumbling toward the water, I begin to pray. I ask God to forgive me for making my parents suffer. I ask Him to watch over my sister and to help Beth’s parents through this difficult time. I ask Him to forgive David. Please, God. Please, forgive him for this. Amen.



chapter Fourteen

Emma—Present Day

It’s a few minutes before six, and I am nearly crawling out of my skin. The day has gone achingly slow. Matt has been a f*cking drag, talking incessantly about a trip to Mexico he is taking with some friends in a few months. I’ve tried all day to disconnect from him, but apparently social cues are not his thing. I did manage to escape to the ladies room more often than usual just to break away from the banter. And, despite his invitation to eat lunch together, I ate my meal in the peaceful company of a few other male coworkers. At first I worried about hurting Matt’s feelings by lunching with them, but then I decided I needed to preserve my sanity. His prattle is exhausting.
I haven’t heard from David all day, which means that either he is fuming about my shoe stunt or embarrassed about passing out on my floor. Or, I hope, maybe he’s just busy with his own work. Whatever the reason, I am surprised at how much I missed hearing from him. In part, I think the day passed so slowly because I missed the diversion. As I gather my purse and satchel, I briefly wonder if he’s all right and what kind of shape he was in this morning when he woke up. I can’t imagine David wears a hangover badly, but he must have had a lot of alcohol in him to smell that fierce.
As I push the elevator call button, my phone pings. I pull it out of my purse and slide it open.


Hi.


I wonder immediately if he forgot that he offered to pick me up. Maybe he didn’t see my note.


Hi back.


R u coming? I’m waiting outside.


Yes. On my way now. B down in a sec.