Protecting What's Theirs (Line of Duty, #1.5)(6)

“Oh God. Derek. Oh God.”

Her taste was like an aphrodisiac to his system. The pulsing ache between his legs grew too fierce. His body demanded he seek release. Surge up between her legs and claim her. Fuck her like an animal against the wall. But he couldn’t do it. Even in this state of blind need, his conscience weighed down on him. His decision to keep her in the dark about his case was the gritty layer of deceit stopping him. There hadn’t been a single barrier between them in a long time and he resented it. Resented himself. So he wouldn’t allow himself the complete comfort of her body. Through his lie of omission, he was withholding a part of himself. Something he’d promised never to do again.

Tense with self-disgust, Derek wrapped a fist around his erection. Using Ginger’s perfect taste to drown out every other thought, he climaxed into his own hand, growling against her core as the spasms racked his body.

When the tremors subsided in both of them, Derek lay his face on her taut belly, listened to her breathing turn even after a few minutes. He wanted to stay just like that forever, but knew it was impossible. Already he could sense her confusion, possibly even hurt, over the unusual end to their lovemaking. He always found release inside of her. Always. Nothing he’d encountered in this world compared to it. Now, because he hadn’t, she obviously sensed something was wrong.

“Derek? Did something happen at work?” Her fingers slid hesitantly into his hair, sending tingling warmth down his spine. “I’m right here. T-talk to me.”

Hating the note of uncertainty in her voice, he pulled her down onto his lap. She tucked herself against him immediately, trusting, comforting. It made him feel like the biggest bastard alive even as his heart swelled with love.

“Everything is fine, baby.” He started to stroke her hair, but curled his fist against the urge. “I just had a long day.”

Ginger nodded, her head bumping his chin. Tenderness shot through him, battling the guilt momentarily. Then she opened her mouth and obliterated that sliver of progress. “Derek, you know how we talked about the importance of us being honest with each other? Tell each other everything, no matter how big or small?”

Steel banded his throat, choking off his air so all he could do was grunt.

“So…if there were something sort of big that might change things…you would still want me to tell you. Right?”

Christ, this had to be the worst kind of punishment. She wanted to open up, communicate something important to him. Progress for headstrong, independent Ginger on so many levels. However, if he listened to it, witnessed her honesty, he would either feel obligated to reciprocate, or continue to keep his silence. Either way, he would feel like a son of a bitch. His options were scare her or lie to her. He found both of them equally unappealing.

At that moment, with the center of his universe wrapped around him on the floor of their home, Derek felt secure enough to admit something else to himself. He felt…fear over the upcoming raid. Fear of failing. The possibility of losing more men. Dying himself and leaving Ginger alone. So many things. Prior to meeting Ginger, he’d never experienced a real moment of fear in his life. It had simply never been part of his emotional makeup. Then a year ago, Ginger had put her life at risk and he’d been forced to race the clock in order to save her.

He remembered that first sharp sting of fear so clearly, it still gave him vivid nightmares. He had something to lose now. Having something of value in his life meant getting used to feeling fear, but it would take time. Now? It still felt too fresh. If he were to come clean to Ginger about the danger ahead, he would see his own fear reflected in her face. It would stay with him when the inevitable moment came to risk his life. He’d never be able to perform his duty, knowing what it would do to her if he never came home. Just like the fallen officer whose death he needed to avenge. The thought of leaving Ginger, when he’d promised so many times he never would, battered his heart. His only choice was to stay silent. Make damn sure that by the time she learned of the case, he was already on his way home to her.

Praying he would find the words to explain his reasoning to her someday, Derek took a deep breath. Then did one of the hardest things he’d ever done in his life. Without answering her earnest, endearing questions, he eased Ginger off his lap and pulled them to their feet. “I just remembered I left some work unfinished at the station. Can it wait until later?”

Hurt clouded her features for a split second before she hid it. He hated that she hid it, even though the blame sat squarely on his shoulders. She closed into herself then, in a way that would be imperceptible to anyone but himself. The man who knew her inside and out. With a chuckle, she straightened her clothing and marched into the kitchen, spine so rigid, he feared she might crack. “At least take a potpie with you. No reason to starve while you’re out saving the whole damn world, Lieutenant.” Her movements briskly efficient, she drew a pie out of the oven and snapped it into some Tupperware. When she handed it to him, she didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“Ginger…”

“What is it?” she burst out. “You got exactly what you came home for. What else is there to say?”

A voice shouted in his head, ordering him to pull her into his arms. Demand she hand over her burden, even though he couldn’t make a fair trade with his own. He wanted to reassure her, but couldn’t. The longer the silence stretched, the easier it was to read disappointment in her eyes. She’d never looked at him that way before and it slayed him.