Protecting Her(99)

He glances down at our joined hands. “Why aren’t we going?”

“Because something happened.” I’m not looking at him, but I hear his breath quicken. He knows it’s bad. He can sense it.

“What happened?”

“There was an accident.”

“What kind of accident?”

Fuck. I can’t do this. I can’t tell him this.

“Dad, what kind of accident?”

I take a deep breath and swallow. I look up and see him watching me. I don’t want to tell him. But I need to. I have to tell him.

“The plane your mother was on went down in a field in Virginia.”

He yanks his hands from mine, his chest rising and falling as he takes shallow breaths. “It crashed?”

I nod. “Yes.”

His eyes move all around my face, like he’s trying to read me. Trying to figure out what this means.

“Is she okay?” he cautiously asks.

I slowly shake my head. “No. She’s not okay.” I pause, my eyes on his. “She’s gone, Garret.”

He inhales sharply and quickly stands up. “No. She’s not gone. She’s not.” His lip quivers and tears stream down his cheeks.

“Garret.” I reach for him but he backs away.

“I…I made her a card to…to welcome her back.” His voice is shaky, his breath uneven hiccups. “It’s upstairs. I’ll…I’ll go get it. We’ll bring it…to the airport.”

My eyes are tearing up again and the lump in my throat now burns like I just swallowed acid.

“We’re not going to the airport, Garret.”

“She’s not gone!” He screams it as tears pour from his eyes. “She’s not! She’s not gone!”

I bolt from the couch and pick him up and hold him against me. “I’m so sorry, Garret.”

“Put me down!” He starts kicking at me.

I bring him back to the couch and hold him, hugging him tightly against my chest. “I’m so sorry.”

“She’s not dead!” He’s sobbing now. I can’t bear to see him hurting this way. My own pain was bad enough, but now I feel his as well and it’s excruciating.

I tried to be strong for him, but I can’t. My body’s shaking, tears pouring down my face.

He looks up at me. He’s never seen me cry. Not once.

“Dad?” he says through his tears.

I place my hand on his head and press it back down on my shoulder. I don’t want him to see me breaking down. He can hear my sobs and feel my trembling body, but I don’t want him to see my face.

I kiss his head and close my eyes and just hold him.

Minutes pass. I don’t know how many. And then suddenly, Garret shoves away from me, yelling at me, “You did this!”

I tighten my arms around him, keeping him on my lap. “Garret, stop.”

“You did this!” He’s punching my chest, screaming. “You made her go! I told her not to. She said she had to! That you were making her go!”

“Garret, no. She wanted to go.”

“No, she didn’t! She said she wanted to stay! She wanted to stay here with me. If she had, she wouldn’t be gone!”

He uses all his strength to fight me, but I won’t let him go. I force him into my arms, against my chest.

“It was an accident, Garret,” I say. “A horrible accident.”

“No!” He’s crying so hard he can barely catch his breath.

I can’t deal with this pain. I can’t take seeing him hurt this much and also feel my own pain. It’s too much. The pain is unbearable. But I’m his father. I’m all he has left. So I will try to absorb his pain, and do whatever I can to help him get through this.

I squeeze my arms around him. “I’m so sorry, Garret. I’m so sorry.”

We remain there on the couch. The phone keeps ringing, but I don’t answer it. I don’t care who’s calling or what they have to say. The only thing that matters right now is my son.

An hour goes by and Garret’s crying slows. My shirt is soaked with his tears. His little body is crumpled within my arms, his head resting on my chest, his hands clinging to me.

All we have is each other now. He only has me. But I don’t think I’m enough. I know I’m not. He was so close to his mother. The two of them did everything together. I know Garret loves me and looks up to me and thinks I’m a good father. But that’s only because his mother made me that way. Now she’s gone, so what will become of me? Will I turn back to the man I was before I met her? I don’t want to, but what if I do? What if I can’t help it?