Precious Consequences(24)

I don’t know what to think about it. Hayley and I have become close friends over the last few weeks and she failed to mention this. If I had known, I wouldn’t have asked her out. A kid would complicate things and I sure as hell don’t want any added drama. I figured Hayley and I could mess around, have some fun, but that can’t happen now.

I sigh and drive out the parking lot, taking my time to get home. When I pull into the garage, all the lights are off so I drag myself upstairs. I stop in my tracks when I hear murmuring coming from the room at the end of the hallway, and light coming through from the bottom of the door. I hate that room. I hate what’s inside that room. It’s a reminder of what I’ve done, who I am.

I shut my bedroom door and fall onto the bed. My thoughts run rampant and I keep replying the scene from the hospital. Hayley has a daughter. There’s no way I can date a girl who’s a mother. I’m only twenty one; I’m too young for that shit. And I have more than enough on my plate at the moment. I can’t add Hayley and her kid to it.

I bring her number up on my phone and contemplate calling her. What would I say? Uh we can’t date because you have a kid and I’m not interested in that shit. I thought we could mess around but I can’t anymore because…you have a kid. That would prove that I’m the world’s biggest douche. I can’t do the to her, so I decide not to call her, or text her. We can just forget about tonight and hopefully go back to being friends. I just hope to God that it won’t be awkward now. But why would it be? Because you actually care about her dickwad, I tell myself. And I do. I care about her.

My phone vibrates as I stare at Hayley’s picture on my phone and I open it. It’s from Noah.

How did it go? Did you get laid?

Asshole. He knows tonight was the first time I’ve ever tried going on a real date with a girl without trying to get into her pants. But he still thinks I boned her. Seriously, I have no idea where I found him. Sometimes I think he’s an even bigger douchebag than what I am. But I can’t blame him. Stupid f*cker went and fell in love our senior year of high school and had his heart broken. He was never the same after that. Now we both do the ‘just sex’ thing, but for different reasons. Although I haven’t told him that I really like Hayley, and that I actually care about her. Not that it matters now. I doubt she’ll ever speak to me after how I reacted tonight.

Frustrated, I toss my phone, leaving Noah’s text unanswered. I don’t want to deal with him right now.

I strip out of my clothes and climb between the cool sheets. The same feeling of emptiness washes over me, like it always does when I sleep at home. Only this time, I feel like I might have something else I care about. And I hate myself for it.

By the time morning rolls around, I haven’t slept a wink. I’ve checked my phone at least a thousand times, and contemplated calling Hayley at least a thousand more. In the end, I convinced myself that it’s better this way, for us to stay friends. But I don’t even know if that is a possibility. Maybe that’s better too. I don’t need her complicating my life and she doesn’t need me f*cking up hers. It doesn’t stop me from wondering how if she’s okay though, and if her daughter is going to be alright.

I scrub my face, feeling exhausted from tossing and turning all night. I climb out of bed but instead of hitting the shower I pack my swimming bag. Glancing at my watch I see it’s only seven a.m. I have three hours until my first class and there’s only one place I want to kill that time. It’s the only place where I know I can forget about life for a while. I throw on a pair of shorts and polo shirt and grab my bag. I’m on autopilot when I drive to the swimming pool, and when I change into my gear. I don’t even register that the water is freezing. I just swim. And I keep swimming until my legs start to cramp and my lungs threaten to self-combust between my ribs. But when I hoist myself out of the water and sit on the edge, catching my breath, I’m unable to ignore the one feeling I wish I could stomp out.

Guilt.

** ** ** ** **

The rest of my week passes in a similar fashion. Wake up, swim, go to class, and come home. I pretend that I’m fine, that I don’t care about Hayley or the fact that I hurt her. I pretend that it doesn’t bother me that I haven’t seen her in a few days. But in reality, I’ve been looking for her everywhere. She stopped taking Hannah’s calls and every time Hannah has stopped by their house, Hayley’s grandmother says she’s not there. Noah asked me what is going on and since I’ve already acted like a complete jerk, I figured lying to one more person wouldn’t hurt. I tell him I lost interest, and Hayley didn’t take it well, which I guess is only half true. He reacted the way I expected him to - he shrugged and said, “That’s too bad Cam, I bet she would’ve been great in bed.” It was the first time I wanted to punch my best friend in the face and knock him the f*ck out. And then I felt like knocking myself out for being such a hypocrite. I was no better than he was. I had every intention of getting Hayley into my bed, even if that meant waiting a few weeks. But somewhere along the line, it was as if a switch was flipped and wanting her for that felt…wrong. Because deep down I know she’s more than a quick f*ck or one nightstand.

All this pretending is making me cranky and Noah and Hannah have been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Instead of talking to someone about it, I take my frustration and guilt out on my body, in the water. The only person who doesn’t complain is Coach. My times so far have improved and because of all the extra training I’ve been putting in, we’ve been doing really well in our swim meets. I’m completely wiped out by the time I get home but that also suits me. It saves me from having the conversation with my mother that is two years overdue and the source of my internal misery.