Porn Star(73)

She takes a minute to answer, struggling for words. “I wasn’t—it’s not—” She swallows and looks down at my hand, large and strong, wrapped around her wrist. I quickly let go.

“I want to know what happened, but I understand if you don’t want to talk about it. We can just be here. But I’m not comfortable doing anything more until I’m sure that I’m not taking advantage of you.”

Devi groans loudly and suddenly, flopping onto her back. “I wish you wouldn’t be so goddamned circumspect. I want you; I need you. Only you can make me feel better in the way I need.”

“Then you have to tell me why.”

She blinks up at the ceiling. “As long as you touch me while I’m talking.”

“Cass…”

“It doesn’t have to be sex. But Logan, I need to remember what it feels like to be touched by the person I’ve chosen to give my body to. I need a man to touch me in the way I like and want, because I don’t want today to make me forget.”

In a flash, I understand. I mean, not entirely, because I’ve never been touched in a way I didn’t have control of, and because I’m a man, I’ll probably never be powerless in that way. But her plea is so deeply human, so deeply vulnerable, and I can’t deny her. I can’t deny her anything, when it comes down to it.

I roll and crawl over her, resting my body weight on my knees and forearms, letting our naked chests and stomachs touch and my stiff cock press into her lower belly. I kiss her neck and her shoulders and jaw, and I feel her melt into my touch and let go of her last remaining shreds of control. She starts crying again, slow and silent tears, and she keeps crying as I drop kisses everywhere, light lips-only kisses, and gradually, haltingly, the story emerges. She tells me about the set, about her discomfort with the director and with Bruce.

And then when she gets to the part where Bruce cornered her in the office, my open hands clench into fists, and I turn my face away so she can’t see my expression. Because all I can think about is murder. Castration and murder and then castration again. Double castration.

She finishes and then reaches for my face, gently turning me so that I’m forced to meet her eyes. “What are you thinking?” she asks, uncertain and vulnerable.

My heart breaks, but I’m honest. “About how I want to hang Bruce Madden and LaRue Hagen from the Hollywood sign.”

She presses her lips together in what might be a smile. “It would be too difficult to get up there with two bodies in tow.”

“Not for a determined man.”

She sighs underneath me, and I stroke her hair away from her face. “I don’t know what to say, Devi. Except I’m so desperately furious and heartbroken for you. I wish I could have been there to protect you!”

“I wish that, too,” she murmurs, but then she falls silent, as if she’s troubled.

I hesitate, but then I say it anyway. “Devi, why didn’t you tell me about the scene? I have never lied about the work I’m doing. It makes me worry that we aren’t on the same page…?” My voice lifts in a question at the end, betraying all of my unfounded fears.

She glances away, new tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Logan. I didn’t mean to lie to you. But telling you about it—it would have meant having a talk with myself that I didn’t know I was ready to have. And it’s all so stupid because now I’ve ruined everything.”

I’m not sure what she means by the first thing, but I can help with the last. “Please don’t worry about the fallout. As long as I’m around, you will have work if you want it, I swear. And I will personally see to it that Bruce Madden is destroyed. That f*cker won’t get away with this. Neither will LaRue.”

Another sigh. “Even you would be hard-pressed to take on LaRue. And thank you for the offer of work, but I also want to work on my own terms, you know? That’s important to me. As it is, I’m not sure how much I want to work at all…” she trails off.

I’m confused. “Like, not work while you sort all this out? Or leave porn? Because this was shitty and horrible, but you know that there are safe places to work. You’ve been working in them for three years. And you’re so f*cking amazing at it! Don’t let an * like Bruce drive you away from something you love to do and something you f*cking rock at doing.”

“It’s not…” She takes a breath. “It’s not that I feel driven away, Logan. But there’s something else, something I haven’t told you, and I don’t know what it means for me or my work yet.”

I’m listening, but she doesn’t continue talking. She seems to shut down, something in her eyes shuttering closed and her lips pressing together.

“You can tell me anything,” I say, leaning down to kiss the delicate skin near her ear. “Anything. Devi, please. You asked me not to shut you out…don’t shut me out. Tell me.”

Her voice is cautious. Logical. “I don’t think I’m ready to tell you. I haven’t thought it through yet.”

“You don’t have to have a thesis paper written about it, babe. If we’re going to try this boyfriend-girlfriend thing, part of that is talking with one another about things that might be messy or hard. It’s okay if you haven’t gotten it all figured out yet. I want to hear about it because I care about you, and I—”