Path of Destruction (Broken Heartland, #2)(39)
“Ella,” her mother broke in, but it was too late now.
Everything she’d held in, all the hateful words she’d wanted to say when her father returned as if trying to fill the void Kyle left, came spewing out.
“The real joke is that I defended you. I missed you. I wanted you back so badly that I didn’t care what you’d done to mom or to us or with some rich bitch in the Bluffs. But guess what? Now? Now, all I want is my brother back and you to leave like you’re so good at doing.”
Her anger began to wane, giving way to the desperate ache she felt anytime she allowed herself to accept the fact that Kyle was truly gone and never coming back.
“Now wait just a damn minute,” her father roared, standing and towering over her. “You may not approve of my life decisions, but we are all hurting here. And no matter how you choose to grieve or who you choose to take it out on, I am still your father and you will show me some respect in this house.”
“Please,” her mother whimpered barely loud enough to be heard. “Let’s not do this at the dinner table.”
EJ narrowed her eyes up at her father. “I agree. Let’s not do this. Let’s not sit here and pretend we’re one big happy family. I’ve lost my appetite. Excuse me.” After shoving her chair back hard enough to scrape the hardwood floor, she all but ran from the room.
Going upstairs to her bedroom was out because she’d have to pass Kyle’s room, so Ella Jane headed out the front door instead. Once outside, she filled her lungs with evening air and the scene she’d just made played behind her eyes.
Only this time, she got the full panoramic view that included her mother sitting to the side and trying too hard to hold it together while everything and everyone around her fell apart.
The familiar sting of tears pricked her eyes as she walked to the Ridge. Her body had suddenly became such a foreign thing to her—her chest hollowing out every time someone asked how her family was holding up, her stomaching pitching and rolling when that look of recognition hit just before they said, “Ah, you’re Kyle Mason’s little sister,” and apologized for her loss. Her head pounded as if the monster inside that kept attacking everyone was punching her skull.
She didn’t know where the girl she’d been had gone. Maybe she’d died with Kyle up on the Ridge. Maybe that’s who she was looking for each time she went up there.
She just didn’t know if she actually wanted to find her.
After spending an hour at the Ridge and another one on the phone with Lynlee, Ella Jane felt marginally better. Something about the distance between them and Lynlee’s brazen personality and lack of judgment made talking to her a bit like a confessional. Plus, her long-distance friend had witnessed both Hayden’s betrayal and the person Ella Jane had become after Kyle’s death firsthand.
“I don’t have a name anymore, Lyn. All I am is Kyle Mason’s poor little sister, and every time someone says they’re sorry for my loss, I want to punch them in the throat. What the heck is wrong with me?”
She knew deep down that no one meant any harm—that they truly were sorry for her, for her family, for the community as a whole to have lost someone like her brother. But after hearing it over and over at school, at the grocery store, at the pharmacy, from every single client she had to call to reschedule landscaping appointments, she couldn’t take it anymore. She’d begun to avoid familiar faces, and even unfamiliar ones, everywhere she went. Truth be told, she’d begun to avoid her own face in the mirror. She wasn’t certain who she was anymore but she was certain that she didn’t much care for the hurtful angry creature she’d become.
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” her friend reassured her. “You’re just sick of being reminded of something painful every day. Anyone would be.”
“But he was—is my brother, Lyn. I should be proud of that. I shouldn’t be sick of being his little sister. It’s about the only good thing I am right now.”
“I call bullshit, EJ. Because you’re a person too. And spending your life carrying a ghost around that everyone can see would suck for anyone. Believe me, I knew Kyle well enough to know that, if the situation were reversed, he’d have his fine ass out in that barn tossing straw bales like no tomorrow. And he’d be on the edge, just like you are. Between losing him, your dad coming back, the new school, the drama with Hayden Prescott, and your angsty never-ending back-and-forth with Brantley Cooper, I’d say you’re due for a nervous breakdown.”
Hearing it all together like that wasn’t necessarily helpful, but it did put things into perspective. “How’d you know my brother used to go toss bales when he was angry?”
Lynlee let out a short laugh. “Oh, EJ. Dear, sweet, innocent, EJ.” Lynlee’s voice was soft, reminiscent when she spoke again. “Let’s just say I might’ve helped your brother let off a little steam from time to time.”
Ella Jane was scandalized. “You did? You and…you and Kyle? When? Where was I?” Her brother had so many secrets. First the Princess of Summit Bluffs, now a fling with Lynlee. She wondered what else she didn’t know about him.
“Look, the point is Kyle was a human being and so are you,” Lynlee said, redirecting her attention. “It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling and granted, maybe throat punching the elderly members of Hope’s Grove is not the best way to handle it. But letting loose on your dad? I think that’s probably a hell of a lot healthier than holding everything in. If anything, Kyle’s death should remind us all that life is short. We spend so much time worrying about everyone else’s feelings,” her friend said, spitting out the last word like it was a repulsive one, “that we hardly ever just do what we want. Well…most people don’t. I personally try to live every day to the fullest, but then I don’t have a conscious or that pesky give-a-f*ck-what-anyone-else-thinks gene, so I’m a little different.”