Path of Destruction (Broken Heartland, #2)(20)

Eleven years later, she had no idea who she was without him.

The only escape was a school where everyone represented everything she felt was wrong with the world.

Of all the girls her brother could’ve hooked up with over the summer, it would have to be the one she liked the least. Well, except for Streaks in pre calc. Thankfully, Ella Jane had managed to switch to the fifth-period class with Mrs. Griffin instead. Much less melodrama and barking. And the best and worst part, no Hayden Prescott.

After school, she kept finding herself avoiding going home. She’d tell herself she wasn’t going, that it wasn’t safe for her to keep staying there so late alone. But day after day, she’d ended up at the ridge.

So much had happened there. He’d died on that ridge, and she thought she’d never want to go back. Yet…somehow, she couldn’t seem to stop going back.

She sat on the ground leaning against to tire of Kyle’s truck and staring at the train tracks below. She didn’t know why she kept coming back here. It didn’t change anything. Every time she left, everything was still the same. Kyle was gone. Summer still felt like a dream that belonged to someone else.

She could still see it, playing in a slow, torturous montage behind her eyes every time she closed them. The memories were as clear as the pictures her mother had strung along the walls at his funeral.

The day Kyle had received his letter from OSU, hugging by the mailbox, crying alone in her room when she learned that their dad had left them right after, her brother’s arms around her, telling her it would be okay. Him horsing around with Coop, watching closely as her crush on his best friend grew. Nodding toward him as he reminded her that there were other fish in the sea besides Hayden Prescott.

He knew.

She felt immature and stupid for not realizing sooner. Kyle hadn’t been as blind to her crush on Cooper as he’d pretended to be.

She pulled her knees to her chest to keep her torn heart from falling out of it. There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t give to be able to talk to him. To ask him how she was supposed to move on, how she was supposed to keep breathing and eating and living without him around.

He was everywhere, and nowhere at the same time.

If she stayed still long enough, the pain would come. Raining down on her, pressing against her chest and holding her under. It was always there, silently carving out her insides until there was nothing left. But when she was still, when it was silent, the carving claws gripped her tightly and forced all the things she’d tried not to think into her head.

He’s gone forever. He won’t ever laugh with you, yell at you, or hold you when you cry again.

He’s not coming home for Christmas.

He won’t be at your wedding.

He won’t know your children. They won’t know Uncle Kyle.

All that’s left of him are memories.

And the worst one, the one that struck just as the tears were falling down her face.

It’s all your fault.



Ella Jane didn’t know how long she’d been crying, but the sun was setting, so at least an hour or so. Tears clung to her eyelashes and she focused on rubbing away the evidence before heading home. Her head throbbed and she thought the rumble was coming from inside her skull at first.

She stood, stretching her legs and rubbing away the grass that came with her. The train blew its horn and she froze, transfixed by the sight of it as its giant metal face appeared between the trees.

Run, a voice in her head commanded.

She wanted to. She’d been tear-stained and water-logged for so long that running alongside the train might be just what she needed to remind her of what it always had. This wasn’t forever. She wouldn’t feel this way forever. There was more to life, or there would be one day at least.

But something deep down that she was trying hard to fight wanted her to run for another reason.

If she moved her feet right now, if she ran full speed, she could get ahead of it. The horn would blow and the light would blind her and then…

All of this, the pain, the guilt, the constant ache knowing her brother was gone forever, would just end. Probably in less than a second and she knew she mostly likely wouldn’t feel a thing.

Here one second and gone the next, just like him.

He’s gone forever. You can’t get him back.

Couldn’t she?

“I’m sorry, Mom,” she whispered to the setting sun.

It didn’t feel like running at all. It felt like flying, like she was being pushed and then lifted from the ground. The ridge blurred beside her, grass and trees and dirt. Just like the night she’d tried so hard to save him.

Her legs had a life of their own, propelled forward by the possibility of actually reaching him this time, of finding a way to reach him, wherever he was. The wind caressed her skin as the metal slamming down onto wooden tracks jarred her bones. She was close, so close.

Her teeth slammed together as the train pounded down the tracks beside her. He called her name so she ran faster. His face appeared so clearly that she reached out to touch it.

“Jesus Christ, Ella Jane. Have you lost your f*cking mind?”

After all this time, all her brother could do was scream at her?

“Kyle,” she began, but his arms were too tight around her midsection for her to get any more words out.

He squeezed, pulling her farther from the train. A scream ripped from her chest and escaped her mouth. It was lost in another blast of the horn.