Patchwork Paradise(28)

I bought another outfit on Saturday and made sure I wasn’t half an hour early this time. He was already there when I walked in. His smile lit the room when he noticed me. He rose to his feet and strode up to me easy as breathing. Like we’d done it our entire lives, he pecked me on the lips. Just like that. Realization swiftly dawned, and he clasped a hand over his mouth.

“Shit,” he whispered. “I don’t know why I did that. It felt so natural. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I said as I took off my coat, even though a shiver ran up my spine. “Go with the flow.”

He smiled down at me, and his right cheek dimpled. “You look really handsome.”

“Thanks.” My face flushed, and I fidgeted with my coat. “So do you.”

He held my chair out for me, and I squirmed, half-uneasy, half-pleased. We talked all evening. It held none of the awkwardness from last time. When he kissed me good-bye, I lingered a moment, breathed him in, and discovered that I liked the generic soap on him. Just his skin and a generic scent and it didn’t put me off at all, even if I sent a quick apology to Sam.

We made plans. I saw him again a week later on a crisp winter day. We walked through an empty, sleepy zoo. He held me tight when he kissed me good-bye, and I opened up and let him in.

I saw him again the Saturday after that. This time I texted Cleo to let her know I was going home with him. I didn’t know why I chose her rather than Thomas, but she refrained from sending me a hundred replies, which was a win as far as I was concerned.

Peter’s house was nice. He was really sweet. His pets seemed old and weren’t very interested in meeting me, apart from a large tabby cat with one ear missing. He had to lock her up in the kitchen because she wouldn’t stop rubbing herself all over me.

We kissed on the couch, and I liked it. We kissed on the way to the bedroom, and I quivered with anticipation. He was lovely and considerate and checked in with me at every stage. When he breached my body and held me close, I craved his touch so much I thought I’d start crying. I didn’t. He murmured softly in my ear the whole time, praising me, making me feel wanted and loved until I shook in his arms. He rocked me to an orgasm that completely blindsided me. I’d forgotten what it felt like, and I thought my heart would burst.

When he was asleep hours later, I slipped out of bed and into his bathroom and cried and cried and cried. I felt terrible about it, but I sneaked into my clothes and left a note on his kitchen table. I crept out of his house like a thief in the early morning.

The first tram would come in half an hour. I sat and saw the sun rise over Antwerp, early tourists making their way into town. I imagined Peter’s sweet face when he woke up and found the bed cold beside him, and cringed with guilt.

Peter,

I had a great time. I really did. I loved spending time with you, and if things were different, I could really have seen this going somewhere. But I’m not ready and I am so sorry for leaving like this.

I hope you can forgive me.

Ollie

He deserved better. I just didn’t have it in me to give it in that moment.



I called Cleo a few hours later. She’d come off a night shift, but had a day shift the next day, so I knew she’d want to stay awake.

“Want to come over for breakfast?” I asked her. “I’ll make eggs Benedict. Bring Imran.” I wasn’t much of a cook, but eggs Benedict were my specialty.

“Dude, I will even get out of my pajamas for that. And Imran’s not home yet, but I’ll let him know to come to your house.” She hung up without another word. After some hesitation, I texted Thomas to come over too.

I knew Cleo would arrive first, so when she tumbled in on a cloud of soft snow, I gave her a hug and burst out, “I slept with him.”

“Oh my God!” She danced up and down on one foot as she tried to extract herself from her boots. “Oh my God, I don’t believe it! How was it? Was he any good? I want all the details. But give me coffee first.”

“Cleo, I am not giving you any details.” I led her into the kitchen, poured coffee, then said, “But it was good. Really good. I cried like a baby while he slept, and sneaked out of his house.”

The wide grin fell off her face. “Oh, honey.” She came around the counter and hugged me. “Do you want to see him again?”

I shook my head. “He’s lovely. And maybe in another six months or so it would’ve been better, but I can’t. I’m not ready.” I thought of Peter touching me and then how Sam and I had always made love, and my stomach turned.

“That’s fine.” She patted my hair. “Now you know. And you had sex with someone other than Sam, so you also know it’s not the end of the world.”

“You’re right. I feel bad about how I left it with him, though.”

The doorbell rang, so I hurried into the hall to let Thomas in. He was wearing a ridiculously fluffy hat with earflaps and somehow still managed to look like a lumberjack rather than a Fraggle.

“Hey.” He gave me a wide, toothy smile as he filled my doorway and pushed his way through. “Thanks for the invite.” He hugged me, and squinted at me. “You look tired. You okay?”

“Ollie slept with Peter and then cried his eyeballs out, but yay progress!”

I groaned. “Seriously, Cleo? I told you that in confidence.”