Own the Wind (Chaos, #1)(46)
Well, that felt nice.
“I’m into him too,” I shared.
Lan nodded. “I can tell. I’m missin’ somethin’ from the last deep conversation I had with Park, seein’ as it was a long time ago, I can tell that too. What I gotta know is that this isn’t you steppin’ out from under grief, usin’ him to do it, and then you’re gonna leave him behind to go find another clean-cut guy you wanna hitch your star to.”
At that, my back went straight.
“I’m Chaos,” I reminded him, and he nodded.
“You are. I know that. Reigning princess. It’s my understanding, though, you turned your back on that for your last man.”
He was correct but he was going in the wrong direction.
“You can’t control who you fall in love with, Landon,” I pointed out, trying to keep the sharp out of my voice.
“No, you can’t. But you can dig down deep and assess if the man you’re with now genuinely means somethin’ to you, like you do to him, or if you’re on the rebound.”
I sucked in breath in an effort not to get angry and when I got it under control, I told him firmly, “I’m not on the rebound.”
“You didn’t dig deep, Tabby,” he returned quickly but gently, and I stared at him.
Then I leaned forward and locked my eyes to his.
“You two get a moment alone and, Landon, I’ll be talking with Shy shortly to get him to give you that as well as leave me to the stuff I have to do since I made some major decisions just yesterday, possibly screwing up my career, maybe being homeless and jobless, all so I could be with your brother, and I need to sort out my life.”
His eyes flashed.
I kept talking.
“But when you two have that moment, he’ll tell you what’s been going on the last seven months. What he won’t tell you is what it meant to me because he can’t know. So, if I can manage the herculean feat of sharing all Shy meant to me in the last seven months in the two minutes I have before he returns, I’ll do that.”
He said nothing, just stared at me intently so I kept going.
“Yes, he helped me get over Jason, and he did it in a just-friends way that was no pressure. Until certain things I’ll let him share happened, he had my back every single day since I let him back in after Jason died. My loss was too fresh, I wouldn’t allow myself to consider having the same emotions for another man so soon after losing the one I intended to spend the rest of my life with, so I denied that was growing between us.”
I hesitated a moment for effect then went on.
“That said, from the very first night I let him back in, I knew what had started growing between us.”
This got another flash but I ignored it and continued speaking.
“But I didn’t deny the fact that I knew, when I was with Shy or even talking to him, I felt more me than I’d felt in years, after Jason died, before Jason died, before I even met Jason. So I can assure you I am not with Shy now as gratitude for his kindness. I’m also not with him because I’m lonely. Further, I’m not with him to test the waters of putting myself out there again.”
I sucked in a breath, held his eyes and laid it out.
For him and for me.
“I’m with him because when I’m with him, I’m free to be me. I’m with him because he’s hot. I’m with him because he lets me blather, since I’m prone to blathering, and he lets me rant when I have a bad day. I’m with him because when I rant, he makes me feel better and he does this effortlessly. I’m with him because I live for the times when I’m on the back of his bike and we’re riding together, not even talking, just being free.”
I shook my hands in front of me and kept giving Landon the honesty.
“Crap went down between us that’s my fault because I was messed up, confused, acting stupid and frankly immature, and Shy got understandably angry at me. We were apart for a month and I was lost. Totally. Lost in a way I wasn’t even lost when I lost Jason. Now we’re back together and I’m found. If I’m misinterpreting things and that all spells ‘rebound’ to you, my apologies. It doesn’t to me. For the first time in a long, long time, I’m happy. I’m also happy to take the time to prove to you I’m willing to do my part to see we go the distance. I just hope you won’t mess with it in the meantime, because you yourself said you noticed your brother is happy too, he is in a way I’ve never seen, and it would be nice if you wouldn’t f*ck that up.”
“I hope you know, it goes without sayin’ I’ll give my brother that,” he replied.
“Good,” I returned instantly. “I’m glad to hear that, but just a heads-up, it would be good to know you’re also going to have his back. His brothers in the Club are protective of me, understandably more protective after what happened with Jason, and I think you might guess, when they find out we’re together, that might not go great for us. Shy hasn’t exactly lived his life holding it precious waiting for the one.”
That got me a lip twitch but I ignored that and powered on.
“We could get lucky and they’ll accept us with open arms. Unfortunately, I don’t see this happening. You know who I am, so you also know my dad is the president of the Club, and if he doesn’t feel like welcoming Shy into my life with a smile and a handshake, he can make things difficult for him. So if Shy unloads on you what might happen, I’m asking now that you don’t let your misgivings about us shadow the support you’d give to him.”