Overtime(109)

“She didn’t let me,” he admitted, chancing a glaze at him, and what he found was what he expected. Pure hatred on Karson’s face.

“Don’t go.”

“She’ll come to my house, or yours, if I don’t,” he protested, but Karson shook his head.

“Let her come; I’ll let Lacey loose.”

“Lacey couldn’t hurt a fly.” Jordie scoffed.

“Fine, I’ll let my mom loose,” he provided and Jordie smiled.

“Now that’s a thought. Even though Kacey wants to Spartan kick her in the face.”

Karson grinned, pointing at Jordie. “That’s a great idea. I favor that one ’cause my mom’s hips are getting bad,” he said and Jordie smiled.

As much as he wanted to laugh and joke with Karson, he couldn’t. Her rejection weighed heavy on his chest, and he didn’t know what to do. He knew he couldn’t depend on anyone to make the pain go away. He had to handle it and get rid of it, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know how to look at the person he loved and whose love he so desperately wanted and to tell her to f*ck off.

“My cravings have been worse lately,” he admitted. “I want to forget, and whiskey makes me forget.”

Karson nodded. “I know, but once it’s gone, you’ll remember, and then you’ll be back to where you were,” he reminded. “Also, you’ve tried that on my sister and it never worked.”

“I know,” Jordie agreed, his heart clenching in his chest. “But I’ll also lose everything I’ve fought so hard to have.”

“Yeah, you will, and you’ll bring Kacey down ’cause she won’t leave you. She’ll stay in hopes of fixing you,” he said sternly, and Jordie knew this. “Have you been talking about it in AA or even therapy?”

Jordie shook his head, feeling like Karson was the dad, scolding him for not being the man he needed to be. “No.”

“Why? Bro, why are you so f*cked up about this woman? She doesn’t even act like your mom, you know this. Let her go.”

“I’m trying.”

“No, you’re not. You’re holding it in. I’m going to therapy with you next week,” he proclaimed.

“Kacey’s been going,” he said slowly, but Karson shook his head.

“I’m going. Hell, she can too. But, Jordie, you need to look at me right now and tell me you won’t bring my sister down.”

Jordie didn’t answer right away, which he knew didn’t look good, but he was seriously thinking it over. He had to make sure before he made a promise to Karson that he could keep it. One of the main things he’d learned through his journey was that when he made a promise, he had to hold it instead of just blowing it off. Karson meant a lot to him, they had been through a lot, and Jordie wouldn’t betray him. But he also knew that he wouldn’t do that to Kacey. He couldn’t let her go because he loved her so much, but he wouldn’t fail her. He wouldn’t bring her down.

“I’m gonna up my therapy sessions,” he suggested and Karson nodded.

“Me and Kace can take turns, then.”

“Thanks,” he said, sucking in a breath. “But I won’t bring her down. She can’t fix me, but I can.”

Walking around the island, Karson stopped in front of him and reached out, squeezing his shoulder. “You’re already doing it, bro. Don’t give up. Stay strong.”

Jordie nodded, his heart pounding in his chest. Glancing over at his best friend, he nodded before sucking in another breath. “Would it be gay if I asked for a hug?”

Karson smiled, and without answering, he wrapped his arms tightly around Jordie, hugging him tightly. “I think it’s in the rules that our bromance allows hugs,” he muttered as he squeezed Jordie tightly to him.

Closing his eyes, he hugged Karson back, needing the support and strength that Karson was giving him. Karson was the closest thing to a brother he had, and he thanked God for him every chance he got.

“You’ve got this,” Karson whispered roughly. “I believe in you and know you can do this. Don’t hold in anything. Tell me, tell Kacey.”

“I just feel like a failure,” he whispered as Karson pulled back, gripping his shoulders.

“But you’re not. You are beating this. You are winning. Just look how far you’ve come.” Jordie nodded, pulling in a breath through his nose. He had come so far, but he still had so much further to go. Karson squeezed him tightly. “Don’t let her get in your head. You don’t need her. I know you want her, and hell, I wish she could be the person you need. But you have me, Lacey, Kacey, Ma and Dad, and a team full of dudes that love you like a brother. So many people love you. Why fight for the love of one who doesn’t deserve you?”

Nodding his head, he knew that Karson was right, but still he craved her love.

More than he craved the bottle.

And the problem was, he wasn’t sure which would kill him faster if he gave in to his cravings.

As he met Karson’s gaze, he knew there was really only one thing to do and that was to continue his road to sobriety and completely cut off all communication with his mom.

But how do you tell the person who gave you life that you don’t want them in it?