One Night With You (The Derrings #3)(37)

"No," Jane said, her voice trembling on the air. The idea of confronting Seth sent a jolt directly to her heart. She rose from the sofa she had collapsed upon not so long ago and began pacing.

"Why must I?" she asked, her steps quick.

"Because he's the father," Astrid responded with her usual equanimity as she added another biscuit from the service to her already overcrowded plate. "It's his responsibility, Jane. You cannot go this alone."

"Is it?" she snapped, her voice brittle as glass. "Is it his responsibility when he has no clue it was me that he—he—" she stopped abruptly and stalked to the window. Wrapping her arms tightly about herself, she stared out at the street. Dusk settled over the square. Desmond would know by now. And Chloris. Berthe would have seen to that. If she returned home, it would be to face them. The prospect held little more appeal than facing Seth.

Moistening her lips, she struggled for a steady tone. "Is it his responsibility," she asked again,

"when I deliberately set out to seduce him? When 7 knew he would have nothing to do with me had he known it was me?" She shook her head fiercely. "It's not fair to him."

"And denying your child a father is fair?" Lucy asked. "Denying your child both parents? A life of privilege free of scorn?"

Jane drew a ragged breath, squeezing her eyes shut as if physically struck. Count on Lucy to consider the child. A mother to the core.

"You cannot rely on Desmond or your parents," Astrid's voice, cool and calm as ever behind her, infused her with spirit. "You needn't feel wrong taking the only option left to you." Jane opened her eyes to observe a nanny pushing a pram across the square in the fading light. The lace fringing the pram's awning fluttered in the breeze. She closed her eyes tightly, the pain in her chest suddenly too much.

Lucy sighed quietly behind her and Jane realized she had moved close. Her hand landed on her shoulder, soft as a butterfly setting down. "Astrid and I will support you in whatever you decide."

Turning, Jane smiled thinly at her friends, the bend of her lips almost painful. "I know. I'm lucky to have you both."

Anna arrived then, bearing a tray of cucumber sandwiches. "Thought you might need replenishing." With a knowing look at Astrid, Anna added three tiny sandwiches to her plate before setting the tray down on the service.

"You're welcome to stay with me," Astrid volunteered, rearranging the food on her plate with strategic care.

Jane smiled, recognizing the true generosity of that offer. Since her husband fled the country over a nasty forgery charge, Astrid barely possessed the means to feed and outfit herself and few remaining servants.

Jane inhaled deeply, letting the breath fill her lungs and fortify her as she strove for some of Astrid's mettle.

"Naturally you can stay with me, too," Lucy added, "If that is your wish." However, her gaze conveyed that she did not think Jane should make that decision. Want. Jane wanted to turn back the clock.

Bittersweet memory flashed through her mind. A garden at midnight, a lover's hot hands, burning lips, him, Seth, inside her, his hard flesh dragging against hers…

Did she really wish that night never happened? Would she take it all back if she could?

Rubbing her temples, Jane willed her head to cease spinning, willed herself to make a decision. She looked at the three women staring so expectantly at her, waiting for her to say something, to do something. She had never anticipated that a single tryst could result in a child. Not after years of believing herself barren. A painful knot formed in her throat. "You know Marcus quit my bed after one year of marriage, claiming it wasn't worth the effort. That I was barren."

"Bloody ass," Anna growled.

"More likely the difficulty rested with him," Astrid muttered. Jane shook her head. "His first wife conceived on their honeymoon."

"I knew his first wife." Astrid snorted as she lifted a sandwich to her lips. "Her fruitfulness may have had more to do with a certain officer that left for India." Her dark eyes glinted meaningfully as she took a sizable bite.

Lucy nodded sagely.

Jane gazed at Astrid and Lucy. It was the first time she had heard such an allegation. It would certainly explain the lack of further offspring in Marcus's first marriage. With a shrug, she sighed. In any case, it failed to matter now.

For a moment, she considered accepting her friends' offers and residing with one of them. But only for a moment. She could not be that selfish.

Astrid could barely feed and support her household. And Lucy. Well, Jane couldn't bring scandal upon her. She stood as a pillar among the matrons of the ton. Jane would not sully her spotless reputation.

They watched her, waiting. She could well imagine what they saw. A bloodless face. Haunted eyes staring into space. Eyes that desperately searched for an answer. Anything that would save her from doing, in her heart, what she knew she must do.

Seth looked up from the papers littering his desk at the knock on his office door and bade entrance.

Leaning back in his chair, he schooled his features to hide his surprise at the sight of his butler leading Jane into the room. He had not thought to see her again. Not after the Dowager Duchess of Shillington's musicale and his imprudent advances had been so ruthlessly rebuffed. With a quick nod for the butler, they were soon alone, staring silently at one another. Alarm hammered inside his heart at the sight of her. An alarm fed by his realization that he was glad to see her. Despite his avowal to leave her be, to forget her.