One More for Christmas(37)

“Of course. Do you have a tree you already use from previous years?”

“No.”

“You usually have a fresh tree? I love fresh trees. My mother complains about the needles dropping onto the floor, but I always think that just makes it seem more like being in a forest. And the scent when you walk into a room—well, that just makes clearing up the needles worthwhile.” Stacy’s enthusiasm was as bright and glowing as the decorations in the store. “Of course if you’d rather not clean up the needles, our biggest seller is the beautiful prelit pine tree, that comes with 220 multicolored lights, and it’s scented.”

Gayle was dragged from a distant memory of a fresh tree with spiky needles and a woody smell.

“A fake tree with fake scent?”

“That’s right.” The girl beamed. “These days you can buy pretty much anything.”

Even your family?

Gayle managed not to ask that question aloud. She didn’t even want to think it. She wasn’t buying them. She was showing them that she was capable of being the person they needed her to be. This was no different to a doctor splinting a leg to offer protection while the bone healed by itself. The tree and the gifts would be the splint that held her family together long enough for it to heal.

She’d buy a fake tree, because she had no idea what to do with a real one. But she’d make it look as real as possible.

She wandered between them and selected one that looked most like the real thing. “This one.”

“Would you like it with multicolored lights?”

“No, clear lights.”

“Snow covered or plain?”

Children liked the idea of snow, didn’t they? “Snow covered.”

“Rotating?”

“Excuse me?”

“Would you like a tree that rotates?”

Her world was already rotating. “I’d like a tree that sits in the corner and behaves like a tree.”

“Right. So clear lights, snow covered, nonrotating. Sounds good. I wish everyone was as good at making decisions as you.” The girl made a note on the tablet she was holding. “Do you have enough decorations?”

Gayle leaned on a shelf of children’s books. Her head was throbbing. “I probably need to buy a few.” Why not just confess that she had none? Since when had she cared about being judged? The feeling coincided with being beaned by an ugly award.

By the time they’d finished selecting decorations, Gayle had decision fatigue. And she hadn’t even started on gifts yet. How did people do this every year?

Feeling humble and insecure, she touched the girl’s arm. “I need help with gifts. For a little girl.”

“Age?”

“I—” How old was Tab? What had she said in the hospital room? Four and three-quarters. “She must have been pregnant when I saw her.” Gayle clutched Stacy’s arm. “Was that what she wanted to talk to me about?”

“Er—excuse me?” Stacy looked bemused.

“Nothing. Never mind.” Gayle let go of the girl’s arm. “She’s almost five years old.”

Was that the reason Ella had married? She’d been pregnant?

“Are you okay?” The girl peered at her. “You look pale, and you seem a little unsteady.”

“I’ve not been feeling too well. I had an accident. I’ve been in the hospital.” What was wrong with her? She never admitted weakness, and she’d just done it to a stranger. She, who had never looked for sympathy in her life, was now soaking it up like a sponge.

“Oh poor you.” Stacy ushered her to a chair. “Sit here, and I’m going to bring you a selection of toys. Is she a relative?”

“My granddaughter.” Gayle saw shock in the girl’s eyes. “I met her for the first time recently. We—”

“They live a long way away? It happens. My sister is on the West Coast and I miss her every day.” The girl squeezed her arm. “We’re going to give your granddaughter a Christmas she is never going to forget.”

Gayle didn’t mention that these preparations weren’t for Christmas itself. If she didn’t pass the test during their tea, she wouldn’t be spending Christmas with her family.

And maybe that would be for the best.

Scotland.

Why did it have to be Scotland?

They didn’t know, of course. They didn’t know any of it. They’d expected her to be put off by the distance, but if Gayle were to be put off by anything, it would be the memories, not the miles.

How would it feel being back there? Would she be able to handle it?

Her insides quivered and she straightened her shoulders.

Of course she could handle it. She could handle anything.

And maybe facing the past would help her make the changes she needed to make.

Her girls didn’t need to know the details.

She’d protected them and she’d carry on protecting them, because that was what a mother did.

She watched as Stacy pulled boxes from shelves, gradually filling the shopping cart to the brim. Gayle tried not to think about the cost. It wasn’t about wasting money on the holiday season, it was about spending money to make her granddaughter happy.

“Now to gifts.”

“Yes.” Gayle waited for all her insufficiencies to be exposed. “I’d like to buy her a range of things.”