Nothing But Trouble (Malibu University Series)(84)

His body heat clings to it. So does his scent. It takes me right back, wipes away months of anguish and puts tears in my eyes. Why does love have to be so hard?

He leans a shoulder against the glass and stares down at me, expression walking a fine line between frustration and longing.

“You’re so beautiful…I’m sorry if I can’t stop staring.” He licks his lips nervously. His gaze slides out the window for a moment, as if searching for courage out there into the dark unknown.

“You left without even a goodbye, or see ya later––maybe. I didn’t know if you were starting over somewhere else, with someone else. Or destroying yourself over what happened…I lived in a constant state of anxiety for four months, Rea. Four!”

He nods, gaze cast on the beige carpet.

“I don’t even know how to begin. ”

“Start anywhere. Just start. Because it’s getting hard not to walk out that door.”

He clears his throat. “I made it to Patagonia. It was beautiful, everything I thought it would be.” He frowns. “I missed you there.” His throat works, Adam’s apple rising as he swallows.

“Kenya was next. I got mugged. Don’t walk around at night in Mombasa. I thought about you that night. You’re all I thought about––what it would be like to never see you again, and it scared me more than the gun that was pointed at my face.” He jams his hands in his pockets and leans a shoulder against the glass. “I saw more amazing sunsets than I’ve ever seen, even better than the ones here. I missed you there too.” There’s an edge to his voice. As if he’s admitting something he wishes weren’t true.

“Reagan––”

“I didn’t want to miss you but I did.”

And there you have it. “Stop. I don’t want to hear anymore.”

“I worked my way through Europe,” he continues, talking right over me. “France, Italy, Spain. I thought I saw you there––in Spain, chased a girl for two city blocks down La Rambla before I caught up to her and realized it was only my mind playing tricks on me.”

“Reagan…”

“I made it to China––” He exhales harshly. “Missed you there too.”

“Reagan––”

Facing me now, I can see his eyes are glassy, his cheek twitching, mouth drawn tight. He’s barely hanging on.

“I’m sorry I left. I didn’t know what else to do. It just got to be too much. The guilt. The pressure. I was starting to resent you.”

“Me?” My voice is pitchy, sharp. Nothing could’ve surprised me more. Not even if he had slapped me. “Why would you resent me?”

“Because you’re so fucking strong.” The words come ripping out and peter to a whisper. His head shakes, his voice flattened by something that worries me. Something that sounds a lot like hopelessness and resignation. “And I’m not…I’m not.”

“Stop saying that. You are strong. That’s the problem. You take on too much. You assume you can carry the weight for everyone, but here’s the news flash, Reagan, you’re not superhuman. What you went through would’ve destroyed anyone.”

Staring out the window, he looks…lost.

“I couldn’t take it anymore and you…you don’t let anything knock you down...”

“Stop trying to be everything that’s expected of you,” I murmur quietly and yet desperate to make him understand. “The good son, brother, boyfriend. The difference between you and me is that no one expects anything of me so I’m free to be anything I want to be. Who would you be given the same chance?”

He watches me intently, lashes lowered. The silence as meaningful as a million words.

Reaching out, he slowly slides his warm fingers up the side of my neck and cups my neck, guiding me closer. And I let him. I let him put his arms around me and hold me tight because I love him. Despite the pain he caused me. Despite the fact that nothing is settled.

“Take me back,” he says quietly. His face crowds my neck and his shoulders curve around me, the muscles hard and taut with tension.

“Take me back, Alice.” It’s muffled, soundproofed by the fabric of his suit jacket. He lifts his head and bloodshot eyes meet mine. “You said you’d try anything. Give me a chance to make it up to you. I’ll beg if you want. I’ll do anything.”

Always stoic in the face of adversity. The slight tremble of his chin gives him away. It doesn’t seem right to keep him in suspense and I’ve never believed in delayed gratification.

A smile sneaks up on me, sends even more tears running down my cheeks. “I never gave you up, dummy.”

His eyes spark, flying all over my face. “Really?”

Love doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s inextricably intertwined with self-sacrifice, vulnerability, risk…and yes, pain. Maybe that’s why we’re so often disillusioned by it. We demand it to be perfect when in essence love can’t exist without the risk of pain and the cost of safety.

His head lowers and his lips touch mine carefully, with all the apprehension in the world while a soft tremble ripples down his back.

“I missed, missed, missed you so fucking much.” The words trip from his tongue in a convoluted mess, in between soft, fast kisses. His arms hold me tighter, his hands climb higher. They curl around the back of my head as his kisses turn feral, hungry, starved by all those months of absence.