Normal People(62)

What about it? he says.

Did I do something to annoy you?

No. What do you mean by that?

When you walked off and just left me there, she says. I felt kind of awkward. I thought maybe you were gone after that girl Niamh or something, that’s why I asked about her. I don’t know.

I didn’t walk off. I asked you if you wanted to go out to the smoking area and you said no.

She sits up on her elbows and looks at him. He’s flushed now, his ears are red.

You didn’t ask, she says. You said, I’m going out to the smoking area, and then you walked away.

No, I said do you want to come out to the smoking area, and you shook your head.

Maybe I didn’t hear you right.

You must not have, he says. I definitely remember saying it to you. But the music was very loud, to be fair.

They lapse into another silence. Marianne lies back down, looks up at the light again, feels her own face glowing.

I thought you were annoyed with me, she says.

Well, sorry. I wasn’t.

After a pause he adds: I think our friendship would be a lot easier in some ways if, like … certain things were different.

She lifts her hand to her forehead. He doesn’t continue speaking.

If what was different? she says.

I don’t know.

She can hear him breathing. She feels she has cornered him into the conversation, and she’s reluctant now to push any harder than she has already.

You know, I’m not going to lie, he says, I obviously do feel a certain attraction towards you. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself. I just feel like things would be less confusing if there wasn’t this other element to the relationship.

She moves her hand to her ribs, feels the slow inflation of her diaphragm.

Do you think it would be better if we had never been together? she says.

I don’t know. For me it’s hard to imagine my life that way. Like, I don’t know where I would have gone to college then or where I would be now.

She pauses, lets this thought roll around for a moment, keeps her hand flat on her abdomen.

It’s funny the decisions you make because you like someone, he says, and then your whole life is different. I think we’re at that weird age where life can change a lot from small decisions. But you’ve been a very good influence on me overall, like I definitely am a better person now, I think. Thanks to you.

She lies there breathing. Her eyes are burning but she doesn’t make any move to touch them.

When we were together in first year of college, she says, were you lonely then?

No. Were you?

No. I was frustrated sometimes but not lonely. I never feel lonely when I’m with you.

Yeah, he says. That was kind of a perfect time in my life, to be honest. I don’t think I was ever really happy before then.

She holds her hand down hard on her abdomen, pressing the breath out of her body, and then inhales.

I really wanted you to kiss me last night, she says.

Oh.

Her chest inflates again and deflates slowly.

I wanted to as well, he says. I guess we misunderstood each other.

Well, that’s okay.

He clears his throat.

I don’t know what’s the best thing for us, he says. Obviously it’s nice for me hearing you say this stuff. But at the same time things have never ended well with us in the past. You know, you’re my best friend, I wouldn’t want to lose that for any reason.

Sure, I know what you mean.

Her eyes are wet now and she has to rub them to stop tears running.

Can I think about it? he says.

Of course.

I don’t want you to think I’m not appreciative.

She nods, wiping her nose with her fingers. She wonders if she could turn over onto her side and face the window now so he couldn’t look at her.

You really have been so supportive of me, he says. What with the depression and everything, not to linger on that too much, but you really helped me a lot.

You don’t owe me anything.

No, I know. I didn’t mean that.

She sits up, swings her feet off the bed, puts her face down in her hands.

I’m getting anxious now, he says. I hope you don’t feel like I’m rejecting you.

Don’t be anxious. Everything’s fine. I might head home now, if that’s okay.

I can drop you.

You don’t want to miss the second half, she says. I’ll walk, it’s alright.

She starts putting her shoes on.

I forgot there was even a match on, to be honest, he says.

But he doesn’t get up or look for his keys. She stands up and smooths her skirt down. He’s sitting on the bed watching her, an attentive, almost nervous expression on his face.

Okay, she says. Bye.

He reaches for her hand and she gives it to him without thinking. For a second he holds it, his thumb moving over her knuckles. Then he lifts her hand to his mouth and kisses it. She feels pleasurably crushed under the weight of his power over her, the vast ecstatic depth of her will to please him. That’s nice, she says. He nods. She feels a low gratifying ache inside her body, in her pelvic bone, in her back.

I’m just nervous, he says. I feel like it’s pretty obvious I don’t want you to leave.

In a tiny voice she says: I don’t find it obvious what you want.

He gets up and stands in front of her. Like a trained animal she stays stock-still, every nerve bristling. She wants to whimper out loud. He puts his hands on her hips and she lets him kiss her open mouth. The sensation is so extreme she feels faint.