Nocturne(54)

“What are you sorry for?” I reflexively clenched my fists, sitting up and facing him, not liking the sudden dread settling over my chest. Even though Madeline wasn’t home, I spoke in a near-whisper. “You just told me you love me.”

He clenched his jaw, as if what he was about to say hurt. “I am in love with you, but there’s nothing I can do about it, and I’m sorry for that.”

I’d never been punched in the stomach before, but now I knew what it feels like. I started to pull my hand away, but inexplicably, he laced his fingers through mine. He pressed my hand tighter into his chest.

“What do you mean there’s nothing you can do about it? Why would you tell me—” I peeled my eyes away from his and sought for anywhere else to look. Anywhere except complete heartbreak that took over my life inside two seconds.

He tilted his head until I was forced to look into those blue eyes again. “I needed to be honest with you, Savannah.”

“Why?”

“I … It … it’s the right thing to do. To be honest.” His eyebrows pulled together again, as if what he was telling me was an absolute truth—even when it meant shattering someone’s heart.

“How long?” I finally managed to disentangle my hand from his and crossed my arms over my chest as I wrapped the sheet around me.

“How long what?”

“Have you been in love with me, Gregory? And, why do you get to be the one to decide we can’t do anything about it?” Actively fighting tears, I took a deep breath and exhaled, puffing out my cheeks.

He responded in a stiff fashion better suited for the classroom than the bedroom. A tone that sat me up straight. “Which do you want me to answer first?”

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood, searching the floor for my panties.

“Savannah … fine. I can’t do anything about it because you’re a student—”

“I’m not your student,” I shot back.

Finally locating my panties, I slid them on under the sheet and reached for my bra, which was sprawled across the desk.

“You know that doesn’t matter. I’m a member of the faculty and you’re a member of the student body.”

I let the sheet fall as I fastened my bra and began collecting his clothes from the floor.

“Savannah, what are you doing?” Gregory moved to the edge of the bed, watching me cautiously.

In response to his question, I picked up one of his shoes and threw it across the room. He dodged it, raising one arm to shield his head.

“You can’t do anything about it?” The shoe was followed by his pants, which smacked him in the face. My next words came out in a high-pitched scream. “What the f*ck do you call what we just did?”

He didn’t respond, nor did he start getting dressed. Which prompted me to throw the other shoe.

“Get dressed if you can’t do anything about it!” I placed my hands on my hips as I tried to slow my breathing, staring at him as I clenched my teeth. I would not cry. Not now.

His eyes didn’t move from mine as he slowly reached for his underwear and began to pull them up. His eyes were nervous, as if he were saying in his head she’s more scared of you than you are of her. Then he spoke in a calm, condescending voice, like you might use with a child. “Savannah, I don’t understand why you’re so angry.”

That did it.

I reached for the nearest object, which happened to be my composition notebook on the desk, and sent it toward his head. His hands couldn’t move up in time so he overcompensated with an exaggerated duck, knocking him off balance and planting him on his ass.

There.

“Stop!” he yelled. “Stop throwing shit at me for a second and listen to me.”

Not trusting myself, I crossed my arms in front of me and took a step back as he righted himself on his feet, dressing the rest of the way. He pulled his shirt over his head and walked toward me, tentatively bringing his hands to my shoulders.

“Don’t touch me.” I didn’t attempt to move out of his hold, though. He just needed to know that I didn’t want to want him to touch me.

But I did. Still.

“Savannah.” He took a deep breath and, instinctively, as if we were starting our piece together, I took one in time with him. “You asked what I’d call last night. Fucking amazing. That’s what last night was.” His voice shook as his hands worked over my shoulders in a conciliatory manner I didn’t care for.

“Don’t you dare tell me you just got swept up in the moment, Gregory. What you did in that bed was more than getting carried away.” My goddamn chin quivered then, but I bit the inside of my lip to make it stop. It didn’t work.

Gregory shook his head. “I didn’t get carried away this morning Savannah. I got carried away by you long before last night. That alone doesn’t mean this can go on …”

“Then why did you stay when we were finished?” I whispered, looking down.

“Look at me.”

It was in a different tone than a couple of hours earlier but caused the same internal reaction in my gut. I lifted my eyes.

“I stayed because I love you, and cutting the past few hours even minutes shorter would have been excruciating.”

“You don’t tell someone you’re in love with them and take it away all in the same breath, Gregory. That’s not fair.”