Naked Love(22)

I unzip the flap the rest of the way.

“I can’t see you.”

Just when I’m certain things can’t get any crazier, they do. She’s perched in the corner in lotus pose on her sleeping bag with a pink satin sleep mask over her eyes.

“Just tell me when you’re dressed.”

With my back to her, I pull up my gym shorts, sans underwear, halfway up my legs. “I’m basically there.”

“Okay—oh! Oh, oh, oh! No! You are not dressed yet.” She slaps her hands over her face, fumbling to get her mask back down over her eyes. “Why would you do that?”

I slide my shorts up the rest of the way and pull on a T-shirt before hunching down in front of her to peel her hands away from her face.

Avery exhales in relief until her gaze meets my T-shirt.

My heart has no room for you,

but the trunk of my car definitely does.

“Nice shirt. You know, a lesser woman would be offended by you wearing it in her presence.”

“But you’re definitely not a lesser woman, are you?”

“No.” Her timid reply holds no conviction.

“Well, I’m calling it a night.”

Her head jerks back. “It’s not even nine.”

I grab my toothbrush. “I’m an early riser.”

“Ugh! Not me.” She wrestles with her sleeping bag. “We need to stop and pick me up a blowup mattress. There’s no way in hell I’m sleeping on the ground from here to L.A.”

“Noted.” I brush my teeth and fall like a tree onto my sleeping bag while she fumbles with her shitload of stuff.

Somewhere between her bitching about the temperature in the tent and the lumpy ground, I fall asleep.

By six the next morning, she’s snoring loud enough to wake every animal within a five-mile radius. Naturally, I take a video of it with my phone. At some point, I will have to bring her to heel, and I think this little piece of cinematography will do the trick.

“Rise and shine. It’s time to hit the road.”

She grumbles rolling to her side. “Oh my back …” Peeking out from under her eye mask, she inspects me. “Did you shower?”

“Bathed in the creek after my jog.”

“You’ve jogged already?”

“Yes. Get up. Let’s go.”

“I need a bathroom. A shower.”

“The creek feels amazingly refreshing this morning.”

Avery sits up, fiddling with her hair again. “I’m not bathing in the creek.”

“Then you can grab a shower at the next stop. Campgrounds with facilities.”

“Pee! I need to pee, Jake! Why do you make me spell everything out for you?”

“Oh …” I hold up a finger and retrieve a gift for her from my plastic container.

“What the hell is this?” She frowns as I hand her the gift.

“It’s a feminine urination device. You can use it to stand up and piss. Basically, it’s a portable penis.”

She pulls it out of the tube and looks at the directions. “Huh … looks pretty simple.”

I nod with pride.

She grabs her pink silk robe and slides her feet into heeled slippers with feathers on the top. In all fairness, when she packed for her trip to visit her dad, she probably never expected to be sleeping in a tent, but seriously … heeled slippers?

Brushing by me, she sniffs. “You smell good, like soapy good.”

“I used liquid Castile soap in the creek.”

“I’m not bathing in that creek. There’s no way to get clean in dirty water.”

I shrug. “Well, you sure think I smell clean.”

“Humph.” Avery takes off to find a spot behind a tree to pee.

After a few expletives, she returns, flicking the funneled device at me. I let it fall to the ground since it’s covered in urine, just like her inner thighs and silk robe.

“I’ve got pee all over myself and THERE’S NO SHOWER!”

I bite back my smile as she marches over to the creek. “Wanna use my soap?”

“Yes, get the fucking soap and throw that stupid practical joke in the trash. Clearly a cruel man invented that.”

After she simmers off in the creek and dresses to the nines again for the second day of our trip, I load up the pickup while she pouts in the front seat, messing with her tangled and ratted hair.

“I need a shower so bad …” she says for the hundredth time. “I’m disintegrating from the outside in.”

“Taking off?”

I glance up and cringe as my friend, Addy, walks our way from the house.

“You forgot your razor.” She holds up her hand with my razor.

“What the fuck?” Avery whispers, kicking open her door the rest of the way.

“Oh.” Addy’s gaze flits from me to Avery. “You have a guest?” She holds out her hand to Avery. “I’m Addy. Jake didn’t mention you were with him. Did you need to shower inside too?”

My balls crawl up into my body for protection as Avery slowly turns toward me.





CHAPTER SEVEN





Avery plots my long, torturous death with one single look before returning her attention to Addy. “I’m Avery and I would love a shower. I would be forever in your debt for a shower. I’m certain I would sell my soul for a shower.”