NOCTE (Nocte Trilogy #1)(40)

My question is simple.

But his answer is not. He turns back to me, and his face crumples and he cries.

“Because things have to happen in order, Calla. They have to. In. Order. Can’t you see? Can’t you?” His skinny shoulders shake and I pull him into my arms and my hands stroke his back as he breathes harshly against me, his chest rising and falling against my own.

“I see,” I tell him, which is another lie because I don’t.

It’s minutes and minutes before he steps away, before he’s gathered control of himself enough to step out of my bedroom. But the look on his face is haunting when he does, as he closes the door and the last thing I see is the despair.

God, this hurts.

But I’m his protector. If I don’t do it, no one will.

And sometimes, we have to do things we aren’t proud of to protect those we love.

So I lock my door and pull out his book, curling up once again in my window seat so I can invade his privacy.

Below me, I see Finn go outside, and pull out an ax. He takes his aggression out on the wood, chopping piece after piece, even though this is summer and we won’t need it for months. In fact, we won’t even be here when it turns cold. But my father will.

So Finn chops wood for our father, while I turn my attention to his journal.

The craziness it contains spirals and leaps on the page, and I find myself holding my breath as I read.



I’m drowning. Drowning. Drowning. Immersum immersum immersum

Calla will save me. Or I will die. Or I will die. Or I will die.

Serva me, servabo te. Save me and I will save you.



Save me.

Save me.

Save me.

Calla calla calla calla calla calla calla calla

I will save you calla. Calla calla calla.





I tear my eyes away from the painful words, wrenching them away, because once again, just like always, Finn calls out for me when he’s afraid.

Even in written words on the pages of his journal.

He thinks I’m the only one who can save him and I have to agree.

But he also thinks he needs to save me, which is slightly ridiculous.

I’m the only one who understands. I’m the only one who knows. And I can’t tell anyone, because if I do, my father will have no choice but to send Finn to a mental institution, and I know enough to know that he’d never get out. They’d keep him.

So I have to save him without telling anyone.

And the only way to do that, is to read his innermost thoughts. All of them.

I shift my gaze out the window, into the rain, and I’m startled to find Finn gone, but Dare is in his place. Jogging along the trail, up from the beach, he strides confidently and unaffected by the downpour.

In fact, when he’s on the edge of the lawns, out in front of my window, he stops abruptly.

Then his gorgeous face tilts upward and his eyes meet mine.

I stop breathing.

I stop thinking.

I just lift my hand to the glass, pressing it there, as though Dare’s hand is resting against my own. The rain runs in rivulets down the pane, around my fingers like tears, and Dare’s eyes soften. Without a word, he lifts his hand.

He holds it there, as though he’s touching me. As though he’s comforting me from things he has no knowledge of.

But what I know, is that he is comforting me.

His presence comforts me.

He knows it. That’s why he stands in the rain for several minutes more, for so long, until he’s absolutely drenched, until finally, finally, he drops his hand and continues on his way, through the rain and onto the trails.

He disappears into the canopy of trees, and then he’s gone.

Gone from me.

I realize something as I linger with Finn’s crazy thoughts in my lap.

I’ve never felt quite so alone before.





21


VIGINTI ET VNUM





I somehow pull myself together by morning, after losing hours of sleep, tossing and turning and panicking. By morning, I’m calm.

I have to be.

I can’t fall to pieces because I have to put Finn back together.

At breakfast though, he seems utterly normal and grins at me over his cereal.

“I’m sorry I fell apart last night,” he tells me casually, putting his spoon down and taking a bite of his bagel. He has an appetite. This is good.

I smile hesitantly. “It’s ok. I’ll keep an eye out for your journal, Finn. It’ll turn up, I promise.”

He smiles angelically. “I know.”

His calm demeanor almost alarms me, as though he knows I have his journal. But that can’t be true. If he knew, he’d freak out, and tear my room apart hunting for it.

“Do you want to do something today?” I ask him as I pour my orange juice.

“Can’t,” he mumbles around his bagel. “I’m going to sort through my stuff, and lean it down.”

“Do you want help?” I feel my eyebrows knit together. He’s acting so aloof.

He shakes his head. “Nah. I’m still not feeling that great. You should go do something with Dare.”

This snaps my head up. He wants me to do something with Dare? What the hell?

He shrugs, then chuckles because my astonishment is apparent. “What? You’re leaving at the end of the summer. You should have a summer fling. It’s on every girl’s bucket list, right?”