My Life in Shambles(85)
I can’t even talk. The tears are blurring my vision so much that I know what it’s like to see out of his eyes right now.
And I feel all the hate. The hate for himself that he has festering inside him, the hate that’s coming out and wanting to consume him. He’s letting it win. He’s letting it win by pushing me away.
“Do you love me?” I ask as a sob shakes through me. “Just tell me you love me and I’ll tell you I love you more. Please, Padraig.”
He stares at me for a moment with dead eyes. “I love you enough to not let you stay here. And if you loved me at all, then you would let me go.” His gaze sharpens. “Please, Valerie. Just fucking go. It’s over.”
The last cable snaps.
My heart plummets through my chest, striking my ribs, making me nearly double over in pain.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
“It’s over,” he says again with finality. “I’m sorry.”
He reaches over and presses the button for the nurse who comes in through the door seconds later. “I need to be alone,” he tells her, avoiding my eyes. “And I don’t want to see anyone else.”
The nurse nods and takes me by the arm to lead me out of the room because I’m dead on my feet.
All I can do is stare at Padraig through the tears.
Stare at the man I thought I knew.
The man I still love with all my heart.
And now I’m no longer the pulse of his.
22
Valerie
They say you can’t go home again.
It’s fucking true.
But here I am anyway, standing in the driveway to my parent’s house with my suitcase in my hand and wondering where the fuck everything went so wrong.
I sigh, wondering if I should do this. It’s not too late. I can just turn around and leave. I told my mother what happened with Padraig and I, and I know how disappointed she’s going to be to see me and the things that she’ll say. I don’t need to put up with that bullshit anymore.
But there’s nowhere else for me to go and in the haste of booking a plane ticket, I picked Philadelphia as the destination, not New York. Besides, Brielle’s couch has already been taken over by someone else.
In hindsight I could have picked Angie or Sandra but in my panic I picked home.
And yet, it’s not home.
My home is with Padraig.
And he’s across the ocean.
After he told me to go and I fled the hospital room in tears, Agnes pulled me aside and had a talking to me. I explained what happened and to my surprise, she said it would be best if I left. Not for forever, but just for a while, until Padraig gets back on track.
I told her I didn’t want to leave him like he is but she assured me she would take care of him, get Margaret to help if it came to that. Padraig would be fine.
“But you won’t be,” she said to me, holding my hand. “Listen to me child, I know I’m old but that only means I’m wise. He’s in a bitter place right now. I know my Padraig and I know his moods and I know where they come from and where they go and you’ve seen Colin’s temperament, you can only imagine how Padraig gets. I’m only thinking of you. Go back home, see your parents and your friends. Wrap up your life there and come back. We’ll take care of things on our end.”
She said that Padraig would only continue to hurt me if I stayed and that if I gave him space to come to terms with things, perhaps space to realize how much he wants and needs me there, that he’ll come around eventually.
“You can come back with a fresh start,” she said. “I’m sure Hemi can give you a ride up to Dublin and you can catch a flight out from there. Do you need money? I might be able to help with your ticket.”
Of course I didn’t accept her help. I still had money in my savings, almost all of it that I came to Ireland with, since staying at the B&B was cheap. I booked a flight out yesterday, somehow managed to pass out for the entire flight even though I was smushed like a sardine in economy, and now, well here I am.
But you can still leave, I tell myself. Call another Uber and go book a cheap hotel.
Before I can entertain that idea, the front door opens.
It’s my father.
“Valerie! What are you doing out there? It’s cold out, honey!”
I do have to say, the sight of my father makes me feel relief, like that feeling of crawling into your parents’ bed at night after a bad dream.
But this isn’t a bad dream.
This is very real.
I love Padraig with all my heart. I love him so much that it’s a wildfire that burns through my chest, creating new scars and new growth on the inside. I can’t temper these flames and the fact that I don’t have Padraig, that he told me to go and that I actually left, makes those flames char me to the bone.
What if I never go back?
What if he stops loving me?
What if this is a bad dream I can never wake up from?
By the time I reach the door, I’ve dropped the suitcase and collapsed into my father’s arms.
“Hey baby girl,” he says to me, holding me tight. “It’s okay. You can cry. You’re home now.”
But Padraig was my home. Shambles was my home.
“Let’s go inside, okay?” he says to me, pulling away and smoothing the hair on my head. “I’ll make some coffee and we’ll talk. Or not. Whatever you want.”