My Life in Shambles(77)

All of that was real. That’s what I wish he could know. That’s what I need to tell him, even if he won’t listen. What he saw, what he witnessed, all of it was real, right down to the way I proposed. I meant all of it when it came to Valerie. The only lies were semantics, they didn’t matter.

The truth was I found the woman I do want to spend the rest of my life with.

She’s in bed with me, looking at me with her soulful blue eyes.

She’s in pain too. She takes things to heart—she has such a beautiful heart—and I know her relationship with my dad and my nan were important to her too.

All evening we stayed up in this room with a bottle of whisky and just talked in hushed voices about how we felt, what we needed to do, how we were going to get through this. It all felt so promising last night but in the cold reality of this morning, it seems harder to crack than ice.

“I think we slept in,” Valerie says quietly, pulling the covers up to her chin.

“Probably for the best.” Lord knows I can sleep forever these days.

We eventually get up and out of bed and get dressed, heading out to the dining room.

It’s been cleared, just as we thought. I think we both slept in so we wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness of breakfast.

There’s just the Major, sitting in an armchair in the corner with his tea and the newspaper.

“Ah, morning Major,” I say him in my best Basil Fawlty impression.

He doesn’t hear me and the paper obscures us from his view.

I head on over and stand in front of him. When he lowers the paper to flip the page, he sees me and jumps in his seat.

“Good heavens!” he cries out. “You put my heart crossway, ye did.”

“Sorry, Major,” I say. “Where is everyone today?”

He folds the paper in his lap. “Where is what?”

I lean in closer. “Where. Is. Everyone?”

“Ah, you overslept, ye did.” He winks at Valerie. “Well, let’s see. Your dad is in the cottage with the nurse.”

“Did ye see him at breakfast?”

“Nah, he wasn’t up to it. And your nan went into Shambles for some groceries.”

“Isn’t that Gail’s job?”

“Gail? Yea, well Gail won’t be returning back.”

I exchange a glance with Valerie and back to Major. “What do ye mean she’s not coming back?”

“She came by this morning, right before breakfast mind ye, which made things run a little late but anyway, and she told yer nana that she was done. I guess she doesn’t want to work here anymore, but between you and I, I’m quite okay with that. She was always a bit of a Holy Joe, if ye know what I mean.”

“Does Holy Joe mean the same as hoor?” Valerie mumbles under her breath.

“Ah, no, Holy Joe means she’s real righteous like,” Major says and starts flipping back through the paper. “A hoor means she’s a hoor.”

I look at Val and smile. How he heard that, I have no idea. Something tells me the Major’s hearing is more selective than we thought.

Since breakfast is over, we make some coffee and put it in travel mugs and decide to head outside for a walk. It’s a beautiful day, the sun is out and making the frost shimmer, and our breath is rising in the air, mixing with the steam from the mugs. For a moment it feels like we’re just taking a walk and enjoying the day and that everything is back to normal. Even my balance seems fine and I’m not in any pain.

Except in my heart.

That pain hasn’t dislodged a bit.

“So what do we do now?” Val asks me as we head down the lane, walking to nowhere in particular.

“What do you mean?” I ask warily, having a sip of my coffee. I don’t want to discuss anything anymore, don’t want to think about what happened. I just want to be.

“I mean, us. You. Me. What do we do? How do we move forward from this? Your dad is still dying. Your nan is still here and so are we and we can’t be ignored forever.”

“I have to talk to them,” I tell her with a heavy sigh. “That’s all we can do. I have to get them to know that what they saw wasn’t a lie. What they witnessed between us, the fact that we love each other, that wasn’t fake. They’ll just have to believe me.”

“And if they don’t? What if they hold a grudge forever?”

“Well I fucking hope not because neither of them have forever.” Which makes my stomach clench in pain. There’s so little time now and I’m not sure if I can even begin to make things right.

“What about me?” she says quietly.

“What about ye?”

“Well, I don’t know … what are we doing? Now the charade is over and I’m still here. How long do I stay here for?”

I know she’s asking an innocent question but it makes me snap at her. “Stay or go, I don’t care. Do what ye like.”

She stops in her tracks. “Padraig!” she exclaims, fire in her eyes. “What you mean you don’t care?”

I roll my eyes. “It’s up to ye, sweetheart. Whatever ye want to do. If ye want to get the fuck out of here and go back to New York, I wouldn’t blame ye. You don’t belong in this big fucking mess.”

She looks crestfallen. “Is that what you want?”