Move the Sun (Signal Bend #1)(85)

When her mother killed herself, she had her father. She had him when her nonna died, too. When her father died, she had the Army. When the Army kicked her away, she had vengeance. Always something to focus on, always something to distract her from her loss. In the space of weeks she’d lived after her discharge and before she’d found out about Hobson, she’d felt empty like this, and she’d just stopped. The sense of loss she’d been running from since she was ten had begun to converge on her. And then Lopez had contacted her, and she shoved it all back into its box.

Now, she had Isaac. But since she’d woken, she could only see him through her failure. Her connection with him had complicated her mission. She had made decisions because of her feelings for him which had put him and others at great risk. And then she’d failed. She’d needed rescue. She’d been at Hobson’s mercy.

Again. Two men died who would not have if she’d stayed away from Isaac and the Night Horde. There was a mountain of dead men between her and Hobson.

“Lilli. Please talk to me,” Isaac repeated his plea, caressing her thigh.

A strong voice in her head was telling her that this was her opportunity to break free from him. She could end it now, tell him that what had happened had changed her thinking. She could lie low for a while and then move on. She opened her mouth to answer.

But she loved him. She didn’t want to leave. She didn’t know what was left of her, but if there was anything, it was here. Between them. He smiled at her and put his hand on her cheek, feeding his fingers into her hair. “I love you, Sport. Lilli. I know you have secrets. I understand. But don’t shut me out.”

Feeling selfish and lost, she didn’t. She opened up. She needed him, if only to stave off the emptiness.

No. It was so much more than that. She needed him for him, for what they were together. She’d given him trust, and he’d never betrayed it. Now she needed to lean on that. She told him what she was thinking, how she was feeling. She let him in. She’d been letting him in almost since she’d met him.

When she was finished, he had her hands clasped tightly in his. “Lilli, you’re wrong. Ray didn’t take everything. Don’t give it to him now. I don’t know any other woman like you—as strong as you, or as smart. You make me stronger. It’s when we’re not working together that we’re weaker. We make a good team. We fill each other out. We fit. I feel that. Do you?”

She’d felt a fit with Isaac she’d never felt before, almost from the first day. Did they fill each other out?

Is that what it was? “I don’t know what I fill, Isaac. Or where I fit. I don’t know what’s next. My permanent address has been a storage locker for most of my adult life.”

“Here, Lilli. You fit here. With me. Make your home with me.”

She shook her head. This place was a cover story. “I’m not even my real self here. I can’t even claim my own name.”

He smiled and curled his big hands around her thighs. “Claim a new one, then. Take mine.”

Stunned, Lilli didn’t answer. She stared at him; his gaze didn’t falter. “Isaac, what—?”

“Askin’ you to marry me, Sport. Be my old lady. Fuck, you are my old lady. I want you with me.”

Her heart pulsed hard at the thought. But it wasn’t a solution. “No. Getting lost in you doesn’t help me figure myself out. It’s not the way.”

Isaac sat back on the bench and looked away. It was the first time since they’d come out to this courtyard that his hands weren’t on her, and she regretted the loss of his touch. “You’re wrong, Sport. For a smart woman, you’ve missed something huge. I don’t know anyone with as strong a sense of self as you have. You know who you are. It’s clear in everything you do. The only thing you don’t know is what you know.”

She was feeling tired and sad now. Not understanding his point and not in the mood for a puzzle, she sighed. “Don’t talk in circles. How could I not know that I know who I am? That doesn’t make any f*cking sense.”

He turned back to her. “You’re right. But I think maybe you’ve spent so much time focused on the next thing, the mission or whatever was ahead of you, that you never even stopped to consider how f*cking amazing you are. But you also never stopped to wonder if you could do any of the amazing things you’ve done. Because you knew you could. You knew yourself enough to know you could. You never doubted it. I think that’s why Ray getting ahold of you is screwing with you like it is. But, Lilli, he’s dead, and you’re alive. We did it together. You held on. You didn’t let him win.”

Taking her hands in his again, he leaned forward. “We have something in common, you and me. A lot of things, actually. But one that’s really important. We do what we set out to do. We get what we want. So, Sport: what do you want?”

Lilli closed her eyes. She was tired, but mostly she wanted to try to put into some kind of order the clamoring thoughts in her head. She didn’t know. She didn’t know. And then one thought emerged from the cacophony and clarified. Not even a thought—an image, a memory. She remembered leaning back against him as he lay on their blanket at the second bonfire in Tulsa, the touch of his hands on her. She had felt complete, and calm, and fulfilled.

She’d felt at home.

She opened her eyes; his green gaze was still intent on her. With a smile, she answered, “You. I want you.”