Monza (Formula Men #1)(16)
“Where’s your husband?” I casually asked, shifting from foot to foot, all the while wondering if she was going to invite me inside. It was highly unlikely, given the awkward situation.
“He’s asleep. He has a sleeping problem, so he takes a pill before he goes to bed. That’s why he wasn’t here to greet you, luckily.” She paused, looking concerned as she watched me intently.
“The last time I saw you, everything happened so quickly I didn’t really get a good look at you, nor did it help that the lack of lighting didn’t show how wounded you are. I mean, I think I saw it, but I was just too shocked to see you again, and things spiraled quickly afterwards, so it was difficult to grasp everything. You’re definitely okay, though, right?”
I merely gave a meek nod, unsure what to make of her apprehensive attitude.
“That’s great. That’s amazing to hear.” She nervously gave out a forced laugh before looking away with her lips pressed together. “Luca…” she whispered in a melancholy tone before trying to seek my eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“You must know”—I felt gutted, raw, crestfallen—“I can’t stop thinking about you. Lord knows I’ve tried—God, how I tried to do just that—but nothing seems to work. I don’t know what to do.”
She stared at me gravely. “I can’t do this with you. This is insanely crazy. Please … go home,” she pleaded, appearing frantic as she clutched her silk robe.
I was aggravating her, and I felt wretched about it, but I had come this far. I couldn’t see myself giving up again just because she chose to push me away.
“Look at me.” I sought to connect with her eyes; however, the wretched woman moved her head to the side, unrelenting. “Dammit, look at me!” I heatedly hissed at her. Fear gripped me, yet hope somehow prevailed as I lovingly reached out to cup her face with my hands, beseeching. “Tell me you don’t feel this. Tell me this isn’t breaking you the way it’s doing me in.”
“There’s a larger aspect involved here, Luca. It’s not just between you and me. I wish things could’ve turned differently between us, but at this stage, there’s nothing we can do other than accept that we’re fated to be apart.” Glassy eyed, she sought my face, imploring. “Every waking moment I spent with you … I’ll always treasure. They’ll always be some of my fondest memories. I’m sorry—I really am—but you must go.”
Why wasn’t she listening to a word I was saying?
“I’ve tried.” Couldn’t she see that? It took me months to decide to seek her out. All those months I had struggled to forget her to no avail. I had all but given up the fantasy of forgetting her because I knew she was too deeply imbedded inside me, and the moment that happened; there was no undoing it. It was either I accept it or live a life chasing her ghost away. This…this was me choosing—choosing to keep loving her. “It’s all I did for the past few months. I tried to forget you, but you wouldn’t leave my thoughts. Whenever I was between another woman’s legs, I would close my eyes and think of you in her place.”
I had been looking for the wrong things, hoping it was the solution I needed to get on with my life. However, I realized that I had to do one last thing before I could fully let go, and it was that I had to fight for her first, which I should have done from the start.
Otto
“I love you. I f*uking do.” Telling her how I felt was a good start. “I know it might sound crazy and out of character, because it is, but I’ve never felt this way with anyone before. I’m not sure how or when it happened, but it did, and there’s no going back from that. I love you, Kimberly.” My declaration hung in the air between us as I watched her face contort with an array of emotions, leaving me hanging in the balance.
“Luca…” she hesitantly murmured, seeming at a loss for words.
Unwilling to even consider having her push me away again, I hardened my resolve and continued, “That one special night when we were drunk dancing under the moonlight, and you said you loved me, was that a lie?”
Casting her eyes low, she made a small shake of her head. “No, of course it wasn’t. And it’s true. It was what I felt at the time.”
Hope washed over me, but I didn’t want to blatantly state the obvious, because a part of me needed for her to admit it out loud.
“And now? How do you feel about me now?”
Beautiful, saddened puppy eyes glazed with unshed tears met with my determined ones. “What I feel now doesn’t matter, so whatever it is you aim to achieve, please give up. I’m never going to leave him. Sometimes, life doesn’t pan out the way we want it to. Sometimes, there are bigger things to worry about than one’s happiness.”
She was willing to deny us paradise. Couldn’t she see that I would do anything—literally any damn thing—to make her mine once more? I was laying my heart on the line, and whether she chose to butcher it or nurture it was her call.
Leaning towards her body, I slightly bent my head to whisper into her ear, unwavering. “You still feel it.” My hand gently placed itself against her chest where I could feel the rapid, steady rate of her heart. “You know you do, but you won’t let me hear you say those words again. That’s okay. I won’t force it out of you.”