Mister O(80)

“And do I get a special present, like you promised, for beating you for the tenth time?”

I nod. I’ve been giving her gifts after each win. A new magic wand. Yes, that kind. A lingerie set. A satin bow for her hair that happens to have other uses too. “If you win you’ll get a gift.”

“And do I ever have to throw a game again?” she says, her eyes glinting.

“Never,” I say, like it has ten syllables.

She gives me a quick kiss. “Never ever.”

That’s because I don’t work for Gino anymore. My show’s not on Comedy Nation. The deal didn’t happen overnight, but a week after I turned down the Comedy Nation offer, I landed a new one. The show’s new home is on the broadcast network Serena’s husband works for—RBC.

I’m not saying helping his pregnant wife to the hospital got me the gig. Not at all. But it sure didn’t hurt when Tyler needed to land a quick meeting with a new network. Jared greased the wheels, and Tyler did the deal, moving The Adventures of Mister Orgasm to the ten o’clock hour on RBC, where it’s killing it in the ratings every week. Funny thing is the head of RBC doesn’t play games, doesn’t toy with me, and doesn’t care if I beat him at golf, softball, bowling or anything else. What he does care about is that I deliver the best show possible, so that’s what I do every week.

Well, technically I deliver two shows. RBC owns the cable network LGO, and LGO is now the proud home to the new five-minute cartoon short—Naughty Puppet Theater Presents Dirty Girl Mechanic.

It’s early days, but viewers seem to like it, and there’s talk of turning that show into a full-length weekly comedy. Seems I’m not the only one who likes a hot mechanic.

But the one in my arms is all mine.

And I want to make sure it stays that way.

That’s why when the match is over, and she wins fair and square, I let her enjoy her victory dance for a few seconds until she spins around and finds me on one knee in the bowling alley.

She stops, freezes, and brings her hand to her mouth.

Once upon a time, I wasn’t sure how to share my feelings, but now the words come out with ease, and I mean them with my entire heart. “Harper, I love you like crazy, and I want you to be the one I share detergent with, and bowling matches, and ice cream and cake, and dirty text messages, and showers, and love, and happiness, and inspiration, and all our days and nights. Will you marry me?”

She falls to her knees and throws her arms around me, knocking me onto my back on the floor of the bowling alley. “Yes, yes, yes, yes,” she repeats over and over, lying on top of me, and this couldn’t be a more perfect response to a proposal.

When she loosens her hold on me and we sit up, I slide a gorgeous, platinum, princess-cut ring on her finger as tears streak down her cheeks.

“I love you so much, I’d even take your last name, Nick Hammer,” she says in between dabbing her eyes.

“I love you so much, I’d never ask you to do something that horrible, Harper Holiday.”

I don’t care if she takes my name, because I have everything I thought I’d once lost. I have the girl.





Another Epilogue





Ask me my three favorite things and the answers are so easy they roll off my tongue: kissing Harper, f*cking Harper, and loving Harper.

Not gonna lie. That last one is my favorite, by a margin of forever. She’s not just my best friend’s little sister. She’s not just the coolest person I know. And she’s not just the inspiration for my newest show.

She’s my wife, and loving her is pretty much the best thing ever.

Harper started out as the woman I lusted after one day in Central Park when we pranked her brother, and she became my buddy, my dating protégé, and then my student. But the truth is I learned just as much from her as she did me, if not more. I learned that loving with your whole heart is even better than racking up Os.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still a superhero of pleasure, but my mission is singular now—her. I intend to serve the terrain of her beautiful body for the rest of our days, because there’s nothing better than being obsessed with making one woman feel amazing. But what’s best of all is giving the woman you love everything—in and out of bed, and I do that every day for Harper.

My dirty mechanic. My caped beauty. My stockings-and-mini-bow-wearing, cake-loving, magic-wand-wielding wife.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, we have a dog now. We adopted a chihuahua/Min Pin who laughs at all our jokes, and we named him Uber.

I have a feeling he’ll be the first of many little ones.

Now, you might be wondering if Harper took my last name. In a way, she did.

She’s the one and only Mrs. Orgasm.



THE END





Coming Next! Get ready for Nick’s brother Wyatt in WELL HUNG! WELL HUNG releases in the early fall! To receive an alert when new titles release, please sign up for my newsletter.

Did you think I’d forget the hot single dad hero who looks like a movie star? Of course not! Simon is getting a book in SWEET IRRESISTIBLE YOU, available to preorder everywhere. And how about Tyler, Nick’s lawyer? He’s headlining THE HOT ONE. Here’s more on each title…

WELL HUNG…

Here’s what you need to know about me — I’m well-off, well-hung and quick with a joke. Yup. Women like a guy who makes them laugh—and I don’t mean at the size of his d*ck. No, they want their funny with a side of huge… not to mention loyal. I’m the complete package—and I do mean package. I’ve got all that plus a big bank account, thanks to my booming construction business.