Mistakes Were Made(82)

Before the divorce was final, after Adam had moved out, Erin had thrown out her back rearranging furniture. It had been awful—she couldn’t stand up or sit down or twist her body without pain shooting up and down her spine. When Rachel came over to check on her, Erin was flat on the floor; her bed was too soft. Rachel, God love her, hadn’t asked anything about why Erin decided she had to rearrange the furniture right then, by herself. She also had hydrocodone.

Erin remembered when the drugs kicked in. It hadn’t so much been that she couldn’t feel the pain—the pain was still there, obvious, like a brick, but it hadn’t actually hurt. Everything felt smooth. She and Rachel ordered pizza, and Erin opened the door and paid the delivery guy and carried the box to the kitchen, all without crying out. She could do anything she wanted, even though her body still knew something was off.

That was what being around Cassie was like. The knowledge that she shouldn’t, that it was wrong, that it was a terrible idea, was all there. But Erin felt good anyway. She could be fucking everything up, but she felt good anyway.

The next Sunday, on their weekly call, Parker said, “Cassie got this job in Boston.”

This was bound to happen sometime: Parker mentioning something Erin had already heard from Cassie. Erin tried to act appropriately unaware. “Did she?”

“Yeah. Some engineering thing, obviously. Apparently it’s a big deal.”

“Well, that’s great for her.”

“Yeah. And you know, like, Boston is pretty close. We’ve been talking about her visiting Nashua on weekends and stuff.”

“Of course she can come visit,” Erin said. She had no idea how she’d handle being under the same roof as both Parker and Cassie again. “But you don’t even know where you’ll be this summer yet, do you? Or have you found something?”

The line was quiet. Erin silently cursed herself. She didn’t know what she’d done wrong but she must’ve done something. She’d treaded so carefully around Parker since that first Sunday she hadn’t called. Their conversations had been stunted for a while, now, but it had been getting better. Parker hadn’t gone quiet and surly on her since they’d finally talked about the divorce. Clearly Erin had messed up, somehow, because her brain had time to anxiety spiral before Parker finally responded.

“I was thinking of, maybe, like, just staying at home this summer.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Like, I know I’m supposed to do something, but I did stuff every summer of high school, right? Stuff to look good on college applications. So I know I should be preparing for whatever I want to do after college—grad school or a job or whatever. But I don’t know what I want to do yet. And school’s been kicking my butt. And I kind of just want to … relax.”

“That sounds like a great idea.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. You don’t have to have everything figured out right now.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Again, Erin felt like she’d done something wrong. “Is that not what you wanted me to say?”

“I just thought—you’re usually the one pushing me to live up to my potential or whatever. I figured you’d want me to find an internship or go to art camp or something.”

“Well, yes, I know you can succeed at whatever you put your mind to,” Erin said delicately. “But you’re the one who gets to decide what that is. And you also have to make time to have fun. You’re allowed to be a kid for a while.”

Parker didn’t say it, but Erin could tell she was surprised. Rather than let her mind spiral again, Erin joked: “If you don’t get a job, though, I’m definitely making you mow the lawn every week.”

“Ugh, that might be worse than having to get a job,” Parker said with a giggle that made Erin’s heart grow three sizes.





Twenty-One





CASSIE


Parker [Today 3:38 PM]

What are you doing tonight? There’s a party at the baseball house

Cassie stared at her phone. After the a cappella concert, the group chat had been resurrected. Cassie sent her favorite of the pictures they’d taken at the after-party, then Acacia had sent pictures of her and Parker in Chicago over spring break. Cassie had tried to keep up the conversation, which mostly meant sending memes. Occasionally Parker would send “lol” in the group text, or even a meme of her own.

The last time Cassie had gotten a text solely from Parker to her was more than a month ago.

She had no plans for the night, but even if she did, she wasn’t going to turn Parker down.

Cassie [3:40 PM]

Sounds cool

She considered asking who was going, just for something else to say, but she didn’t want Parker to think she’d only go if other people would be there. Her thumbs hovered over her screen, her brain never quite figuring out what to type.

Parker [3:42 PM]

I’m going out to dinner so I was gonna meet Kaysh there. You should walk over with her.

Cassie [3:43 PM]

Awesome, I’ll see you there

Parker [3:43 PM]

And it’s the baseball house, so there’ll probably be free jungle juice

Cassie [3:44 PM]

I’d expect nothing less

Parties at the baseball house tended to get out of hand, and when Cassie and Acacia walked up, it was already loud enough they were sure to get a noise complaint. Parker met them inside, Sam and Gwen in tow, and handed them red Solo cups before even saying hi.