Mistakes Were Made(74)
Parker scoffed.
Erin chewed at her bottom lip and waited.
“Whatever. Fine. Let’s have the conversation. Go right ahead. Tell me all your great reasons.”
“You’re my reason,” Erin said.
More silence.
Erin couldn’t stay still for this. She got up off the couch to pace instead, running a hand through her hair.
“I want you to be happy. More than anything, that’s what I want. And I mean really happy, long-term happy. It wasn’t what your grandma wanted for me, not really, or if it was, our ideas of happiness were nowhere close to each other’s. It never seemed like it was about wanting me to be happy as it was about having a path for me, all planned out. Your dad wasn’t a part of that path. You weren’t a part of that path. Med school wasn’t a part of that path. And so, I spent a lot of time trying to do what she wanted, to make up for how I thought I’d let her down. I don’t want our relationship to be like that. Nothing you could do will ever let me down. And I want you to be happy, whatever path you take to get there.”
Erin took a breath. She was babbling, obviously, but she needed to get it all out. Now that she’d opened the door, it felt more like floodgates, everything rushing out at once.
Parker broke in now that she finally had the chance. “You want me to be happy, so you got a divorce? That’s really what you’re trying to say here?”
“Yes.” She took another breath. It was simple, really. “How could I teach you to be happy when I wasn’t?”
No scoff at least.
“All the things I want you to do? Figure out what you want in life. Find your own path. Make mistakes but actually learn from them. Leave behind what doesn’t bring you joy, what you’ve outgrown. I wasn’t doing any of it when I was married to your dad.” She was still circling the couch. “I thought I was staying in the marriage for you—so you didn’t have to go through your parents divorcing. But, in the end, I left it for you. Because how could I raise you to do all those things when I wasn’t doing them myself?”
For the first time in the conversation, Erin wished she could see Parker’s face. She might not have been able to get the words out if she’d had Parker’s eyes on her, but now she wanted to see them, to know how they looked. Bright blue like the summer sky? Or clear like ice over a pond, which meant tears were coming if they weren’t already there. Did the little wrinkle on Parker’s forehead come out as she furrowed her brow?
After a minute, when Parker still hadn’t responded, Erin stopped walking. She hugged the arm not holding the phone around her, tight.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “For doing it. For taking so long to do it. For taking so long to have this conversation.” She tacked “I love you so much” on the end.
“I love you,” Parker said, quiet, and her eyes must’ve been icy, because there were definitely tears in her voice. “Thank you, for telling me this.”
“I know it’s random. I just—I wanted you to know.”
“I’m glad you told me.” Silence. “All those things you want me to do: are you doing them now?”
Erin considered it. “I’m trying to, at least.”
Over the line, Parker sniffed. “I’m … happy for you, Mom.”
“Yeah?” Erin rubbed hard at her eyes.
“Yeah. It’s weird, but I’m happy for you.”
Of course it was weird to talk to your mom about why she divorced your dad. It was weird for Erin to talk to her daughter about it. But they’d done it. It felt like a lot more than a baby step toward being closer with Parker.
“I love you,” Erin said again.
“Okay, enough, let’s stop being mushy,” Parker said wetly. “Tell me more about the clinic.”
That felt like a step, too, Parker asking for more than the bare minimum of information about Erin’s job. Erin wiped her eyes and told Parker about the clinic.
Nineteen
CASSIE
If Cassie thought Parker had disappeared before their fight, she was really gone, now. A campus of barely a thousand people, and still, Cassie never saw Parker, even in passing. She tried not to care.
So what if Parker thought Cassie didn’t know how to be in a relationship? Maybe she was right. Cassie had had one serious partner and he’d cheated on her. All of that was true. It didn’t excuse the way Parker had talked to her, like she was stupid. It didn’t excuse the way Parker had ghosted once she started dating Sam. Cassie might not know how to be in a relationship, but she knew it didn’t mean abandoning your friends.
She didn’t need to know how to be vulnerable or be in a relationship to fuck Parker’s mom. She imagined, briefly, telling Parker that. It’d only be out of spite though, a Look, I can be a terrible friend, too. But if Parker knew what Cassie and Erin were doing, they’d have to stop. Plus, Acacia would murder her, probably, and Cassie might not care about losing Parker’s friendship, but she wasn’t about to lose Acacia’s.
Parker and Acacia were spending spring break together visiting Emerson in Chicago. Acacia had invited Cassie, hesitantly, but Cassie had begged off. Not because it would’ve been awkward, she and Parker trying to be friendly—or Cassie trying, anyway, she wasn’t sure where Parker stood on the whole thing.