Mistakes Were Made(51)

“When you raise a kid, it’s so easy to fuck up,” Erin said. “You don’t mean to, but you do. I can’t always control whether or not I do right by her. But in this I can. She feels bad, and I can make it a little better. She deserves so much more, but this I can do.”

For a moment, there was no sound but a Folgers commercial on the TV.

“You’re too much sometimes, you know that?” Cassie said.

Erin looked at her, for the first time since Parker had come downstairs. “Should I be offended or flattered?”

Even as she asked, she knew the answer just by the look on Cassie’s face.

“Flattered,” Cassie confirmed. “It’s pretty great.”

She was still all the way to one side of the love seat. Erin didn’t need to join her. She’d had the whole morning beside her, Cassie’s toes tucked under Erin’s thighs on the couch. She’d spent most of the day lazing about so far—there were still numbers to look over for the free clinic, laundry to be done, anything would be better than sitting next to Cassie while Parker was in the room. But Cassie was still looking at Erin like she put the stars in the sky. Erin crossed the room and joined her on the love seat.

“Love seat” was just the technical term for a piece of furniture that sat two people. Erin had shared it with plenty of people without worrying about what it meant or what anyone would think. There was enough room they didn’t have to touch.

They did touch, a blanket spread over them both, but that wasn’t the point. Parker wouldn’t think anything, was the point. If she even woke up while they were still there. It wasn’t a big deal.

After a while, Cassie slid her hand over onto Erin’s thigh. Erin fought her smile. Cassie’s hand inched toward more interesting places, but Erin shifted away.

“Cassie,” she barely opened her mouth to say it. “My daughter is three feet away.”

She tried not to think about a few days ago, when she had kissed Cassie in the pantry, just around the corner from Parker in the kitchen.

“Yeah, but she’s passed out,” Cassie whispered.

Erin leveled her with a stare, and it was supposed to be stern, but Cassie bit her lip like she was hiding a smile, and it reminded Erin of everything else she could do with that mouth.

“Okay, okay,” Cassie said before Erin could make any more terrible decisions. “I’ll be good.”

She moved her hand back a safe distance, but kept it on Erin’s thigh. By the next commercial break, Erin had tangled her fingers with Cassie’s under the blanket.

Parker wasn’t 100 percent better the next morning, but it was New Year’s Eve, so she spent the day announcing she was not sick and she would still be having people over that night. Erin spent the day trying to dote on her without being obvious about it. Cassie spent the day trying to stay out of the orbit of Parker’s germs.

An hour before people arrived, Cassie sidled up to Erin.

“I know I convinced you things don’t have to be perfect for a party, but do we not have to clean up at all?”

Erin chuckled. “These kids have seen this house in every level of disarray—and caused it in the first place, sometimes. You’ll have to clean up whatever mess you end up making anyway. No sense doing it twice.”

Cassie didn’t argue.

All the guests had been Parker’s friends since they were little. Everyone kicked their shoes off as soon as they arrived, lining them up nicely after many years of getting yelled at for making a mess on the foyer floor. Most of them had come to the Christmas Eve party, too, so they just offered general hellos and handed over their car keys before heading downstairs. Laying eyes on Madison for the first time since the summer, though, made Erin gasp.

“Good God, kid, you’re not allowed to grow up this fast,” she said.

Madison grinned and rubbed at a jaw that was much sharper since Erin had last seen them. “Probably more about starting T than anything.”

“Oh, Madison, I’m so happy for you.” Erin hugged them. “But I’m still going to have to demand you stop growing up.”

“I’ll do my best.”

Erin didn’t mind spending New Year’s Eve alone. Rachel was still in Puerto Vallarta, and Jimmy and Melissa were chaperoning Mae’s party, and Erin didn’t like anyone else enough to want to stay up until midnight with them. Plus, she was over the idea of the New Year meaning anything. When Erin had made New Year’s resolutions, they had never been particularly healthy. Lose fifteen pounds, or worse, do what her mother wanted and lose all the weight she hadn’t gotten rid of since having Parker. There had been resolutions about having more sex with Adam, as though that were the issue in their relationship. She’d announced she wasn’t making New Year’s resolutions anymore when she hit thirty, but she’d still made them in her mind until she’d started therapy. Self-improvement did not exist on a time line. There wasn’t so much “new year, new you” pressure when Erin was trying to get better every day.

She wasn’t truly alone for the night, anyway—they seemed to be having a battle in the basement over who could be loudest with the noisemakers that were supposed to be for midnight. Even once that was over, the occasional peal of laughter filtered up to Erin. There was an indignant shout she was almost certain was her daughter complaining about whatever game they were playing. Parker hated losing.