Miss Winthorpe's Elopement (Belston & Friends #1)(69)

‘That is ridiculous,’ she responded. ‘I never wanted all that you had. I have need of a quiet place to study. That is all.’

‘And I thought I wanted nothing more than your money.’

‘And a position in society. And an heir…’

He stared at the ground. ‘Things have changed since the first day, have they not?’

‘Yes.’ She smiled sadly at the floor as well. ‘Perhaps we could go back to the way we first planned.’

‘I don’t think that will work,’ he replied.

She nodded. ‘Too many things have changed.’ She’d felt like a fool for even suggesting it, especially after banishing him from her life just a few days before. But when she was near to him, she remembered. And it was so hard to give him up.

‘It would work fine, for a time,’ he hedged. ‘But I am afraid I cannot control my impulses sufficiently to keep our lives as separate as we had planned.’

Impulses? Even the thought made her temper start to rise.

One, two, three…

‘Knowing I could not have you? The sight of you with other men, any other man, even if it was quite innocent, or you were very discreet, would drive me mad with jealousy.’

Four, five… ‘What?’

He continued, ignoring the interruption. ‘Before we came to Wales, I thought if I could keep you all to myself, then you would forget anyone but me. I am sorry.’

‘And you did not tell me that we were neighbors to the Coltons?’

‘Because I did not want you to see them. Especially not Tim, for I did not think I could trust him, given all that has happened. If the world were different, and we were all free, you would have done better to choose him, for his temperament would suit you.’

Adam’s face darkened and his lips twisted in a bitter smile. ‘But I find that I do not care, when you are near, what is best for you or that you deserve better. You are mine, and I want to keep you all to myself.’ His smile softened as he remembered. ‘It was so good, being alone with you. And you seemed content with just me for company.’

‘But what about Clarissa?’ She held her breath.

‘The day I went to her, she sent me a letter, saying that if I would not come to her, she would come here. It would have ruined everything.’ He looked up, and his face was blank. ‘It wouldn’t have mattered. Things are ruined, in any case. There will be less bother, now that Tim and I are quits. I will not need to pretend civility with her. She is angry, and promises to make a scandal. There are letters that I wrote to her.’

He rubbed his hand over his eyes, as though to blot out the memory. ‘They are very detailed. And I would ask you, as a last favour, to destroy them without reading them should they come your way. The words are no longer true, but to read them might cause you pain.

‘But if she does not send them to you, then she will circulate them freely in London next Season. You may be more comfortable if you remain here, far from the gossip of the ton. I am sorry, but whatever might happen, you should know and prepare yourself. Perhaps it will not matter and she will be quiet, now that she sees we are…apart.’ The last word seemed to come difficult to him.

‘It will not matter to your position, of course. You are Duchess of Bellston for as long as you wish to be. Nothing anyone says will change that. But people will talk. I am afraid you will find it embarrassing.’ He said it as gently as possible, and his face was full of remorse.

The idea of talk, which would have appalled her a few weeks before, seemed distant and unimportant. What did it matter what people said? Nothing could hurt as bad as being without Adam. ‘It does not really matter, does it, if it is all in the past? It is not as if you can change what you did, even if it was very awful.’

He looked hopeful, for a moment, and pulled one of the straight-backed library chairs to him, and sat a respectful distance from her.

‘I know it is too late to say these things. But I would do anything to take back what has happened. I never wanted anything less for you than you wanted for yourself: peace and security. That you might come to harm from behaviours of mine, things that occurred long before you knew me—it pains me more than you can imagine. And if I had known, the day we met, that I would make you unhappy, I swear I’d never have married you.’

She shrugged. ‘You can have no idea what you might have done, for I dare say you had little control of yourself on that particular occasion.’

‘I still cannot remember the details,’ he admitted. ‘Only that I was convinced you were sent by God to lead me to salvation. I’d have followed you to the ends of the earth. And still would, if you would but allow it. You have brought me more happiness than I deserve.’

‘I made you happy,’ she repeated numbly.

He smiled and shook his head in disbelief. ‘You did not realise it? Yes, you made me happy. You are unlike any woman I have ever met. Blazingly intelligent, unfailingly honest, and a rock to which I can cling in moments of turmoil. And when we are together as man and wife?’ He shook his head again. ‘I never knew how it felt to join in love, until you came to me.’

‘Love?’ she whispered.

He nodded. ‘I love you, Penelope. I cannot help myself. It is not what you wanted, of course. Not peaceful or quiet at all, for neither of those virtues are in my nature. But there it is.’