Mine Would Be You (24)

“Like a pros and con list. Of course, as crappy as dating can be, it can be fun. You get to find new things you might like or dislike. The more you do it, the more you know. And it’s about respecting your own boundaries. What you can push past and what you can’t. What about love in general are you concerned about?”

I take a deep breath. I don’t want to sound negative or ridiculous, but these thoughts have been heavy in my mind these past few months.

“A part of me is scared that even if I do find the right person, what if it’s a lie? What if I love them more than they love me? But also, what if it’s me? What if the reason Myles moved on or broke up with me is because I’m not enough, and what if everyone realizes that? I love the idea of love, but I’m terrified of it.”

Jackson flashes in my mind, his easy smile and his apparent infatuation with me, which excites and terrifies me at the same time. Part of the reason I haven’t said yes to a date is because I’m terrified of him getting to know me and deciding it’s not good enough. Like Myles did.

“Love is scary, I know that. Especially when you haven’t experienced the best of it. But you can’t avoid it simply because of fear. You just need to be open to the idea, open to the possibility. And it’s true, you won’t be right for everyone, just like everyone isn’t right for you. But there is nothing wrong with you.” She sighs, looking at her watch. “We have to end here, but I want to touch on this when you come back, okay?”

I nod and give her a soft smile as I still my hands. “Yes of course. Same as usual for scheduling?”

She nods, and I stand, grabbing my bag and my earphones as I exit. “And Nina,” she starts, and I turn in her doorway. “Just have fun with it, okay? Day by day.”

My cheeks flush slightly as I give her a parting smile, popping my earphones in as I exit through the upkept building and back onto the familiar and welcoming dirty city streets. My music comes through the speaker as I make my way down to the subway station, knowing that food and my friends await me.

I pull my phone out to check my messages as Marissa’s words flash in my mind, day by day. I click on Jackson’s text bubble from earlier.

Jackson: Well, I think you should try.

Me: Try what?

Jackson: To seduce me.

Me: I don’t think it’d be very hard.

Jackson: You’re right, it wouldn’t be.

I can’t help but smile.





“Have you said yes to a date yet?”

I roll my eyes as I enter the kitchen, Sloan’s voice echoing from the couch. Jenko is watching her with slightly annoyed eyes because she’s sitting in his favorite spot where the sun streams in through the window and warms the cushion, but he flicks his left ear as I enter the main space.

The smell of coffee fills my senses as Harper pours one for her and one for me. She slides the almond milk creamer over after using it herself. Our reservations for brunch aren’t until eleven a.m., so we’re going through our usual Sunday morning routine, except Sloan is here. Usually, she meets us at brunch, but since her love language is quality time, I think she was missing us.

I take a slow sip of the hot liquid. “No, Sloan, I haven’t. It’s only been a few weeks since the wedding,” I say as I collapse next to her, and Jenko jumps onto my lap into a small ball.

“Why not? He’s cute, and he’s into you.”

Harper takes her seat in her armchair as the breeze comes through the open window. Sunday mornings in June are in my top ten favorite days to exist. The warm air, before it’s too humid or too hot, the sounds of birds in the morning that Jenko watches out of the window, and the endless possibilities.

“I’m not saying I’ll never say yes,” I sigh, adjusting the light blue sundress I put on for brunch. “I just don’t want to rush anything. I barely know him.”

“You woke up in his bed.” Harper deadpans, and I flip her off.

“I just want to get to know him better. And also, he’s friends—best friends—with Myles. It just feels weird.”

“Why?” Sloan asks. “To be frank, Myles treated you like shit the last two years you were dating. If you can even call it that. If he can move on and get married, why can’t you? Who cares? Myles has no claim on you.”

My chest constricts at her words, and I sink into my seat.

Harper nods, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Exactly. I get what you’re saying, Nina, but from what I’ve heard, I like him. And I don’t think Myles should get in the way of what you want or your life.”

For Harper to already like him, the most protective one of us all, says something. She’s always telling us what she thinks about someone we went on a date with or flirted with. And every day, when we’re sitting on the couch or eating dinner, she asks to read some of our texts to see if he’s passed the test. I guess that so far, he has.

“I don’t want to let him get in the way. I’m just,” I start, spinning my mug, “I don’t know, I’m just taking my time.”

I don’t tell them that I don’t want to get hurt again. Despite my last therapy session, and while I am taking it day by day, I am still terrified. I know that there’s no reward without risk, no sunshine without rain, but it’s much easier said than done.