Midnight Lily(65)

On my way out of his house, I stopped in the downstairs bathroom. After I'd washed my hands, I opened the medicine cabinet. Inside were two prescription bottles—pain pills prescribed to Holden. I hesitated only briefly before I shut the cabinet and left the bathroom. I didn't even bother flushing them down the toilet—I felt no desire whatsoever to take them. As I closed the door behind me, despite the lingering sadness, my heart felt full of all the things Holden had given me in this life: peace, love, and strength. And I'd carry those healing gifts with me forever.

**********

The doorbell rang just as I had sat down to a solitary dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup. Wiping my hands, I got up to answer it to find Jenna standing there, biting nervously at her lip. My shoulders drooped. "Hey Jenna," I said, feeling the guilt of seeing her hurt face right in front of me. I held the door open so she could enter and led her over to my couch. "How are you? Do you want something to drink?"

She gave me a hesitant smile. "I'd love some wine if you have it."

"I'm sorry, I don't keep any alcohol in my apartment. I have soda . . ."

"Soda's good. Thanks."

I went to the kitchen and filled a glass and brought it back to her. She took a sip. I sat down next to her.

She put the glass on the coffee table and turned to me. "I'm sorry to drop by without calling—"

"It's okay." I shook my head. "I haven't called you back, and you deserve an explanation." I ran my hand through my hair. "I'm sorry, Jenna. I'm so sorry for what happened at the charity event. I can only imagine how you felt. If I had had any idea . . ."

She reached out and put a hand on my leg, squeezing it gently. "It's okay, it was a surprise. To run into someone from your past, it's such a confusing feeling."

I remembered the first night I'd met her at the bar—she'd said her ex-boyfriend had shown up with his fiancée. Still, she hadn't thought her ex was a ghost . . .

"Yeah, it was a shock."

She looked down. "Have you spoken to her? Lily, right?"

I paused. "I have. She doesn't want anything to do with me."

It looked as if Jenna's shoulders relaxed slightly. "And you?"

I sighed. "That's more difficult to answer, Jenna. And I'm sorry about that. I really am." She shifted, crossing her legs and removing her hand from my thigh.

"You're still in love with her?"

I bent my head forward, massaging the back of my neck, stalling because I felt terrible about this whole situation. After a moment, I looked back up at Jenna. "Yes, I'm still in love with her."

Her face crumpled a little. "And yet, she doesn't want you."

"No, she doesn't want me."

Jenna took a deep breath, sitting taller. "Listen, Ryan, we just started dating. I understand you have lingering feelings for someone else. And that sucks for me. But, why not see where this can go between us? I'm willing to stay and see what happens. I really feel like, given the time, we can have something special together."

I blinked at her. "Jenna . . ." I let out a breath, shaking my head from side to side slowly. "Lily doesn't want to be with me, but it doesn't change how I feel about her. It won't change how I feel about her—at least, not for a while. And Jenna, it wouldn't be fair for me not to end things with you when my heart is still wrapped up in someone else. That would be wrong."

"But you like me," she said, hurt evident in her voice.

I closed my eyes for a moment. "I do like you. I like you a lot. That's why this is so hard."

"But you're dumping me for a girl who doesn't want you? You won't even give us a chance?" Her face was a mixture of disappointment and confusion.

"I . . . no. I'm sorry." I shook my head. "I thought I'd moved on enough, but I haven't." God, this f*cking sucked. But I owed it to both of us to be honest. There was no way I could continue dating Jenna, no way I could dredge up any interest in kissing her, touching her, when I knew Lily was on the other side of town. Just . . . no way. And I knew it made me a fool. I knew it made me pitiful and probably stupid. No, no probably about it—it definitely made me stupid. But I wasn't going to drag Jenna into my idiocy. Then I'd be stupid and immoral.

Jenna let out a long breath. "Well, then I guess that's that," she said sadly.

I almost apologized again, but there were only so many times I could say sorry before it would start getting plain annoying and possibly conceited. Jenna was a nice, beautiful, intelligent girl. She wouldn't have any trouble finding someone else, someone with far more to offer. I pressed my lips together and gave her a look I hoped conveyed the extent of my regret over this whole situation. She stood and I did, too. Her eyes looked misty. I stepped in to hug her, but she held up her hand and shook her head and so I stepped back. I almost said something else, something about hoping she found someone who wasn't an idiot hung up on someone else, how she deserved more, how awful I felt right then, but none of it seemed right. Everything that flitted through my mind sounded like a line or a platitude. In the end, I decided it was best not to say anything.

"Goodbye, Ryan. I wish you the best. I really do." Her expression was sad, but her voice was clipped. She wasn't going to drag this out. I felt guilty, but relieved.