Men at Arms (Discworld #15)(57)

'Captain Vimes?' said Carrot again.

'What's he holding in his hand?' said Angua.

'I don't know. This is bad, I've never seen him like this before. Come on. You take the stuff. I'll take the captain.'

'He hasn't paid for his drink,' said Mr Cheese.

Angua and Carrot looked at him.

'On the house?' said Mr Cheese.

There was a wall of trolls around Cuddy. It was as good a choice of word as any. Right now their attitude was more of surprise than menace, such as dogs might show if a cat had just sauntered into the kennels. But when they'd finally got used to the idea that he really existed, it was probably only a matter of time before this state of affairs no longer obtained.

Finally, one of them said, 'What dis, then?'

'He a man of the Watch, same as me,' said Detritus.

'Him a dwarf.'

'He a Watchman.'

'Him got bloody cheek, I know that.' A stubby troll finger prodded Cuddy in the back. The trolls crowded in.

'I count to ten,' said Detritus. 'Then any troll not going about that troll's business, he a sorry troll.'

'You Detritus,' said a particularly wide troll. 'Everyone know you stupid troll, you join Watch because stupid troll, you can't count to—'

Wham.

'One,' said Detritus. 'Two . . . Tree. Four-er . . . Five. Six . . .'

The recumbent troll looked up in amazement.

'That Detritus, him counting.'

There was a whirring noise and an axe bounced off the wall near Detritus' head.

There were dwarfs coming up the street, with a purposeful and deadly air. The trolls scattered.

Cuddy ran forward.

'What are you lot doing?' he said. 'Are you mad, or something?'

A dwarf pointed a trembling finger at Detritus.

'What's that?'

'He's a Watchman.'

'Looks like a troll to me. Get it!'

Cuddy took a step backwards and produced his axe.

'I know you, Stronginthearm,' he said. 'What's this all about?'

'You know, Watchman,' said Stronginthearm. 'The Watch say a troll killed Bjorn Hammerhock. They've found the troll!'

'No, that's not—'

There was a sound behind Cuddy. The trolls were back, armed for dwarf. Detritus turned around and waved a finger at them.

'Any troll move,' he said, 'and I start counting.'

'Hammerhock was killed by a man,' said Cuddy. 'Captain Vimes thinks—'

'The Watch have got the troll,' said a dwarf. 'Damn rocks!'

'Gritsuckers!'

'Monoliths!'

'Eaters of rats!'

'Hah, I been a man only hardly any time,' said Detritus, 'and already I fed up with you stupid trolls. What you think humans say, eh? Oh, them ethnic, them don't know how to behave in big city, go around waving clubs at the drop of a thing you wear on head.'

'We're Watchmen,' said Cuddy. 'Our job is to keep the peace.'

'Good,' said Stronginthearm. 'Go and keep it safe somewhere until we need it.'

'This not Koom Valley,' said Detritus.

'That's right!' shouted a dwarf at the back of the crowd. 'This time we can see you!'

Trolls and dwarfs were pouring in at either end of the street.

'What would Corporal Carrot do at a time like this?' whispered Cuddy.

'He say, you bad people, make me angry, you stop toot sweet.'

'And then they'd go away, right?'

'Yeah.'

'What would happen if we tried that?'

'We look in gutter for our heads.'

'I think you're right.'

'You see that alley? It a nice alley. It say, hello. You outnumbered . . . 256+64+8+2+1 to 1. Drop in and see me.'

A club bounced off Detritus' helmet.

'Run!'

The two Watchmen sprinted for the alley. The impromptu armies watched them and then, differences momentarily forgotten, gave chase.

'Where this go?'

'It goes away from the people chasing us!'

'I like this alley.'

Behind them the pursuers, suddenly trying to make progress in a gap barely wide enough to accommodate a troll, realized that they were pushing and shoving with their mortal enemies and started to fight one another in the quickest, nastiest and above all narrowest battle ever held in the city.

Cuddy waved Detritus to a halt and peered around a comer.

'I think we're safe,' he said. 'All we have to do is get out of the other end of this and get back to the Watch House. OK?'

He turned around, failed to see the troll, took a step forward, and vanished temporarily from the world of men.

'Oh, no,' said Sergeant Colon. 'He promised he wasn't going to touch it any more! Look, he's had a whole bottle!'

'What is it? Bearhugger's?' said Nobby.

'Shouldn't think so, he's still breathing. Come on, help me up with him.'

The Night Watch clustered around. Carrot had deposited Captain Vimes on a chair in the middle of the Watch House floor.

Angua picked out the bottle and looked at the label.

'C M. O. T. Dibbler's Genuine Authentic Soggy Mountain Dew,' she read. 'He's going to die! It says, “One hundred and fifty per cent proof”!'