Memorial(56)

On the second floor of this building, past some mailboxes and a staircase, Tan knocked on his door once, and then once again.

She might be out, he said, and they were his first words since we left the bar.

But the door was opened by an older lady, and she didn’t look much like Tan at all.

They spoke in their language about something while I stood behind Tan, kicking my feet.

I thought of Ben, listening to Ma and I talk in Japanese.

All of a sudden, this seemed like an entirely ridiculous idea.

That’s when Tan’s mother waved at me, smiling. She shook my hand.

Come in! she said, in Japanese.

Oh, I said.

I looked at Tan. He shrugged.

Hurry! said the lady, smiling impossibly wide. Come in!

She kept repeating something, and I still couldn’t tell you what it was, but it made Tan blush. He covered his whole face.



* * *





She won’t bother us, said Tan, shutting his bedroom door behind him.

That’s fine, I said. She’s your mother.

She’s my mother, said Tan.

He cleared his mattress, brushing away a bunch of jackets. A stack of flash drives sat on a desk by the window, shining under the glow of a tablet, charging beside a pair of cell phones. A handful of cameras was sprawled across the floor.

Nice place, I said.

It’s a shoebox.

For some pretty big fucking feet.

My place back home was three times bigger.

His room was entirely bare, except for the mattress and his desk. There was a laptop charging and a pair of headphones dangling over a messenger bag. A duffel sat on the side of the room, with its guts splayed all over the wood. I didn’t know where to sit, so Tan squeezed my arm and I plopped on his bed.

You live light, I said.

No reason not to.

Still. It’s different.

Did you picture anything else?

I don’t know, I said, wiping my hands on my joggers.

Tell me, said Tan, did you want to have sex tonight?

I flinched, just for a second.

You’re forward, I said.

You’re stalling, said Tan.

I looked to see if he was serious.

He was.

I scratched at my nose.

Not really, I said.

Be honest, said Tan.

I mean we don’t have to.

Sure. But do you want to?

I don’t know yet, I said.

Okay, said Tan, and then he plopped backward on his bed.

The two of us sat in silence.

Then, Tan slipped a hand underneath my shirt, rubbing at my back. I let him do that.

I have somebody back in Texas, I said.

Okay, said Tan.

I just wanted to say that. I care about him.

And I never said we were doing anything, said Tan, but he hadn’t stopped rubbing, snaking his arms around my torso.

Are you really gay, I asked.

What do you think, said Tan.

I’ve learned not to assume.

If we were in my country, I’d lie to you.

Okay, I said.

I leaned onto Tan’s hand. He asked if that felt okay, and I told him it did.

Okay, he said. Lay on your stomach. And take off your sweater.

I gave him a look that asked why, but Tan didn’t say anything. But I did what he asked. And he took off his own. And he maneuvered his legs around mine, until most of his weight sat on the center.

We were about the same size. Tan’s mattress was basically wood. Just a slab of concrete underneath us. I should’ve felt like a pressed vegetable, but I didn’t. He felt warm.

Eventually, I felt him growing on my ass.

Sorry, said Tan.

Don’t be, I said.

I was hard, too. We were two horny men lying on top of each other, not having sex. But we were definitely doing something.

Is this okay, said Tan.

Yeah, I said. It’s nice.

Good, said Tan, and that’s how we stayed.

Every now and then, he’d shift on top of me. I’d adjust beneath him. He pressed the tops of my shoulders with his fingers, settling them at random intervals. We listened to the apartment’s static and his mother’s padding around the living room. And the occasional sirens beyond us.

But mostly we lay in silence.

I don’t know who fell asleep first.



* * *





When I woke up, it was still dark. Tan wasn’t on my back anymore. When I turned over, he looked groggy, eyes half-open, but he’d been staring.

Let me guess, he said, you’ve got to leave.

I should.

I didn’t get up though. Tan just blinked at me.

I guess I’ll see you later then, I said.

Maybe, Tan grinned.

But now you know where I live, he said.

Now I know where you live, I said.

Now you have something else to do in this city, said Tan.



* * *





On my way out, I passed his mother in the living room. When I cracked open the door, she jolted upward, with this wild look on her face. But then she saw it was me and she smiled.

She waved. I waved.



* * *





I walked back to the bar. A drunk woman hobbled in front of me, giggling to herself, turning into an alley. But there was nothing else to see. The air’d gotten a little warmer.