Magical Midlife Madness (Leveling Up #1)(57)

His eyes misted and he bowed his head over his forearms. He took a deep breath.

“I backed off,” he continued. “I backpedaled, fell to my knees, and submitted. Destiny called me a coward. She spat on me. But the image of little Aurora standing up for her daddy…” He shook his head. “What kind of monster had I become?” He huffed. “Scratch that. I knew exactly what kind. I’d become my father. And the realization sickened me. I begged my brother to let me stay so I could learn from him. I told him that when he started to feel I was usurping his authority, I would leave.

“He wouldn’t have asked me to go. He thought I was good for the pack. He would have sacrificed everything for his people, including his position. He certainly wouldn’t have fought me. I’d only grown stronger and better. Five years later, after he’d taught me everything I needed to know to be a good leader, neither of us could ignore the pack’s shifting allegiance. I walked away. I left my family, my friends… It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but I do not regret it.”

“But why not start up somewhere else?”

“Because I am still that monster I was twenty years ago. I am still filled with raw, uncontrollable rage, I just keep it on a very tight leash. I rule my emotions with my logic, avoid my heart entirely, and only let the beast out when I have no other choice. I do not trust myself to assume control of a pack, because if I should lose myself, no one would be able to tear me down. No one would be able to stop me.”

He reached over the bar and grabbed the bottle to refill his glass. He topped up mine, as well, though it was only halfway down.

“And a mate?” I asked.

“I enjoy relations with women, but I do not allow them—or myself—intimacy. I don’t let anyone close enough to love.”

“Is it because you’re afraid you’ll club them and drag them back to your cave by their hair?”

He sputtered into his wine and then pulled the glass away. He beat on his chest, coughing. I pounded on his back.

“You belong in that house. You’re just as cracked as your butler,” he wheezed.

“You were having a touching, tear-soaked moment. I wanted to ruin it for you.”

He wiped off his mouth with the back of his hand and laughed. “Thank you, yes. Good looking out. Me man. Me no like emotion.”

“That’s your caveman voice, I take it?”

“Yup.” He quieted. “In answer to your question, no, it isn’t the woman I’d club. I am afraid of what I’d do if she flirted or laughed with another man. That possessive quality doesn’t just go away. It’s in there. That’s the only reason Destiny was able to pull it out.”

His haunted expression crushed my heart. His worry that he was still off-kilter, that he was untrustworthy in the most basic of ways, threatened to bring tears to my eyes.

“Yeah, but…” I spread my hands, straightening up. “You’re not a dingleberry twenty-year-old guy anymore. Those idiots are ruled by their hormones, everyone knows that. Guys your age have actually reached maturity and can therefore be trusted a little more. As long as they’re good guys, I mean. And whatever you were like back then, Austin, you are a good guy. Doesn’t matter who your dad is. I mean look, my dad is a real asshole sometimes. Who has two thumbs and takes after her father?” I pointed my thumbs at myself. “This girl. But you don’t see me crying that I have a short temper and a gift for chasing people away, do you? No, you do not. And do you know why?”

He stared at me with a bewildered expression.

“Because I cry about it alone in a dark closet with wine and chocolate. So…” I smiled at him, hoping I had lightened the mood just a little.

A guy a little down the way looked over, clearly eavesdropping.

Austin turned his body the slightest bit, giving the guy a quick stare. The man started, lowered his brow, hunched, grabbed his wine, said “Dude,” and scooched down the bar. In that order.

“Your monster qualities can be helpful, though, you have to own that,” I said. “You can clear the room.”

“What can I do that a fart can’t?”

“Oh my God!” I burst into laughter. “Gross.” I smiled and bumped his shoulder with mine. “Just don’t be so focused on the bad that you miss the good. You made this town a haven where people who don’t belong anywhere else can feel safe. You’re providing that safety for them. You had a troubled spot in the past, but you took responsibility for it, and you made yourself better because of it. Now you are in a position of power, and you’re using your strengths selflessly. You won’t even allow yourself the title of the job you are clearly doing. That’s a damn good man in any book you look in…the very best guy. So be proud of that. Be proud of who you are, and don’t let the past negatively color your future.”

His eyes were intent as they beheld me. His gaze drifted down my face before settling on my lips. His intensity whispered across my skin, every bit as raw and dangerous as he’d claimed. I felt helpless within his magnetism. I wanted to reach out and touch the thick cords of muscle running his length. To taste those full lips. To let those large hands explore me while I basked in his safety and protection.

I knew what Destiny from his past must’ve been thinking. How exciting it would be to have a man who was ferocious and lethal to everyone else melt against you in the small hours of the night. To know your man would keep you in a cocoon of safety, protected from all of life’s demons, and would tear down the world to keep you there. Something about that spoke to the parts of me that were distinctly feminine.