Mack Daddy(71)

My mind was just one jumbled mess, intercepted every so often by flashes of red hair, flashes of light, flashes of Frankie. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what she was thinking about my virtual absence from her life. I couldn’t bear to break this news to her, to explain that my breaking her heart all those years ago may have all been in vain.

Then, there was the issue of her safety. I was even more far removed from my father’s antics now. What if he was still planning on causing trouble for her? He was probably more angry and disillusioned with me after being outed for his affair with Torrie. I just didn’t know what to do. It felt selfish to be bringing Frankie into the mess that was my life right now. In my darkest moments, I’d have myself convinced that she would be better off with that old man, who could take care of her and keep her hidden and safe, away from my f*cked-up family.

That evening as I pulled up to Torrie’s, Jonah finally called me out on my actions.

“How come you don’t walk me inside anymore?”

“It just has to be like this for a little while. I promise it won’t be forever.”

“What did Mommy do?”

“Adults fight from time to time, okay? Everything is going to turn out alright. I promise. You don’t need to worry. When people have a disagreement, sometimes it’s best if they just keep their distance until time passes. Mommy and I both love you very much, and that’s all you need to remember.”

I hugged him extra tight before watching him walk from the car to make sure he entered the house safely.

My mind was racing on the way home. Distracted, I almost crashed into another car in the opposite lane. That was a wake-up call. I thought about all of the regrets I would have had if my life were to have ended just then. It was a needed reminder of my will to get past this dark time. I just needed help.

Once back at my cold and empty apartment, I grabbed a beer and sat on the kitchen floor with my back against the refrigerator. There was no energy left in me to move from that spot. It was such a random place and moment to hit rock bottom, but I truly felt that was it; I’d hit my lowest point.

“Please.”

I wasn’t even sure at first who I was talking to. It must have been God.

I whispered again, “Please.”

It proved that I did believe someone was listening despite my never really having taught Jonah about religion. Even though St. Matthew’s happened to be a Catholic school, my son hadn’t really grown up with any kind of faith before that nor had my parents ever taken me to church growing up. Despite not knowing what my God looked like, I just felt a spiritual presence in that moment. So, I continued to beg this higher power for guidance. I prayed to God to help me figure out my next steps, how to move on with my life. It was the first time I’d ever acknowledged a true belief.

I went to sleep that night vying to leave everything in God’s hands, because it didn’t feel like my own were capable of handling this situation any longer. I’d hit rock bottom, and there was nowhere to go but up.





The next morning, I was still wearing the same clothes from the day before. The only thing that had changed was that my beard had gotten even longer.

A knock on the door startled me. It was way too early to deal with anyone. It better not have been my father.

When I opened the door, I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. Anything was possible given my lack of sleep lately.

Frankie was standing there with a gigantic suitcase.

She seemed shocked to see me looking like this. “What on Earth, Mack…”

Blinking repeatedly, I said, “Frankie?”

I still couldn’t believe she was here.

Abandoning her luggage, she leapt into my arms. Until I was actually holding her, I hadn’t realized just how badly I’d needed her. With the distance between us, I’d somehow been able to convince myself that I could live without her. But now, it felt like I was breathing again for the first time in weeks.

What she said to me next truly threw me for a loop.

“I know, Mack.”

“What?”

“I know about the discovery your sister made. Your mother and Michaela came to see me in Boston. They were worried about you and told me everything. We don’t have to talk about it right now. But I just wanted to let you know that I know and that you don’t need to rehash it. You don’t owe me any explanations. I’m just here to do what I can to make it better, because I love you so much.”

I just broke apart in her arms, crying like a baby for the first time since Jonah was born. How I ever thought I could get through this without her was beyond me. God had sent me exactly what I needed: her.

Once I’d calmed down, I wiped my eyes and asked, “How long can you stay?”

“How long do you want me?”

“Forever,” I said without hesitation. “I don’t want you forever. I need you forever.”

“Then, I’m here.”

“What about your job?”

“I took a leave of absence. I don’t know that I’m ever going back.”

“What about…him?”

“Things truly ended with Victor a long time ago. The only difference now is that I finally left. It was the right thing to do. Even before you and I got physical, my heart was yours. I’d just been afraid to admit it. Victor is a smart man. I think he never really held out true hope for a reconciliation even when things seemed bad between you and me in recent weeks. From the moment he found out about you, he could see how consumed I was. After your mother and sister came to see me, I was a wreck. I told Victor that night that I planned to leave for Virginia as soon as I could get my affairs in order.”