Lovely Trigger(26)

Or was this the result of mishandling the situation altogether?

How were we back to square one six years later, within just a few conversations?

Had that happened because we’d never learned to cope with sharing the same space? Had never having any contact at all just made us more susceptible to a screw up of epic proportions?

Had we only made ourselves more sensitive to the other’s presence, when what we’d needed was to be desensitized?

Was it just possible that there was some middle ground here? Some sort of closure to the romantic part of our relationship that I’d never pursued?

I had always thought of Tristan in terms of all or nothing, but clearly, that hadn’t worked. That failure was currently staring me in the face, and perhaps more mortifying, dripping down my leg.

I could admit that cutting someone that had become such an undeniably significant part of me so completely out of my life had been damaging to me.

It had stunted me. Stunted my happiness. Stunted my growth.

That was a fact I’d accepted long ago, in a resigned sort of way, seeing it as a necessary evil.

But what if it wasn’t necessary? What if it was only detrimental?

Spending some rare time in his company made me realize something new.

I’d been so focused on the bad of him, of us, the bad of all that had happened that I’d forgotten the good.

I’d lived the bad, existed with it every waking hour of every day and some nights, in my dreams, as well.

Why shouldn’t I get a bit of the good?

What if, just maybe, I needed it?

What if it would help me close that chapter of my life?

Being with him was out of the question. A long-term romantic relationship was absolutely unthinkable. But a friendship? Hadn’t I moved on enough to at least give myself that small bit of comfort?

Didn’t I deserve it?





I was expecting it. I wasn’t even a little bit surprised when Frankie made a point of cornering me.

She and I weren’t the type of friends that fought. We gave each other shit on a regular basis, but that little scene earlier was as good as a full-on confrontation for us.

I’d known she was going to feel bad about it and quickly try to make it better.

The reception was still in full swing when I returned to the party. I’d have been surprised if it didn’t go until morning.

I made my way quietly to my table, very acutely aware of the fact that, though I’d cleaned up as well as I could in a hurry, I hadn’t showered. I was planning to slip away and do that just as soon as I thought it was politely possible.

Frankie joined within a minute of me sitting down. She was alone. Almost everyone else from the wedding party was dancing. Estella was currently going to town as the dancing meat in a Stephan and Javier sandwich.

“You remember that I set you two up, right?” I asked her as I met her very serious eyes. “You owe me. I brought that hot thing into your life.”

She shot her longtime girlfriend a fond glance. “I know it.” Her face crumpled slightly, not a breakdown, not tears, just screwed up a bit, as though she were in pain. She looked away. “You know I love you, right?”

It was my turn to look away. We were close friends, but not the mushy kind. Things like this were rarely said between us. “I do. I love you too. You’re one of my closest friends, and I know that your heart is always in the right place.”

“Forgive me?” Her voice had gotten very, very quiet. “I overstepped back there. I know it. It’s just so hard for me to see him suffer any more, and no one can hurt him like you can. But I overreacted. I was a dick, and I’m sorry.”

“Frankie, I’m well aware of the position we’ve put you in, and how hard it’s been for you, but you’ve got to stop interfering, and you’ve got to stop thinking it’s your job to protect him or even me. We are adults, and we don’t need a buffer, much as I might like one, may even have depended on it in the past. He and I…we need to sort our messes out ourselves.”

“Of course. And for the record, I never took his side. Or yours. You know I’m always just trying to help whichever one of you is hurting the most.”

“I know. We’re both lucky to have you.”

I considered the matter settled, and apparently so did she as she didn’t mention it again. We sat there for a long time, just watching the revelry.

There were a lot of people in the colossal reception tent, but I could still tell that there was no sign of Tristan. He hadn’t returned yet, and I found that odd. I was sure he’d gone and cleaned up, but he couldn’t possibly need more time than I had, even if he’d taken the time to get in an actual shower, and to change.

I was so involved with this thought process that it took me a moment to realize who else was so glaringly missing. “Did James and Bianca ditch out on the rest of their own reception, already?”

Frankie laughed. “I would bet a lot of money that they’re off in the forest somewhere having a quickie. James is a kinky f*ck, but they’ll be back.”

We continued to watch the dancing crowd. “Who is that Marnie and Judith are assaulting on the dance floor?”

Frankie squinted, then started laughing. “That’s Jackie’s dad. Marnie is making it clap for him. I think Jackie was right. They’re going to give that poor man a heart attack. And get a load of Lana and Akira. They’re making out like teenagers. God, that guy is huge.”