Love, Hate & Other Filters(24)
Lisa.
She probably wouldn’t be happy knowing I’m here now. Best not to dwell on it. I take a blanket and walk outside, spreading it over a grassy patch in front of the cottage. I lie back. Passing clouds cast shadows across my face. I shut my eyes.
“Maya?”
My eyelids flutter open. Phil’s face floats over mine.
“I thought for a second you’d fallen asleep.” He settles in next to me and hands me a sandwich. We eat quietly for a moment.
I catch him eyeing my cut, making sure the bandage is in place. “Can I ask you a question?”
He looks up at me. “Sure.”
“Why haven’t you told anyone you want to be an EMT? I’m sure your parents must be thrilled.”
“They say they’re cool with it, but I think they secretly wish I would go to school but then come back home and run our family gas station with my brother. And pretty much everyone else assumes that, too. I mean, some of my friends, they’re already making plans to come back to Batavia after college … That’s just not what I want.”
And by friends, I’m assuming he means Lisa.
“So the old expectation thing? Believe me, I totally understand.”
Phil nods. “It’s not that my parents are upset. They’re actually pretty happy that I’m interested in something other than playing college football. But they wish I wasn’t going so far away. My mom has been researching all these Midwestern places where I could get certified.”
“Where are you going?” I feel like I should know this, but realize I never bothered to ask.
“Green Mountain College in Vermont.”
“Sounds all outdoorsy and autumnal.”
The tone in Phil’s voice lifts. “It’s awesome. But, you know, in the wilderness. I’ll major in Adventure Recreation and take classes in emergency medical services, so when I graduate, I can be a paramedic or work with programs like Outward Bound.”
“Adventure Recreation?”
“I know, ridiculous name, right? My mom asked me why I couldn’t have adventure and recreation closer to home and someplace cheaper. But it’s one of the best programs out there that teaches survival skills—”
“Like surviving a bear attack?”
“When I find out how, I’ll let you know.”
“I can’t wait.” I place my hand on his arm. He doesn’t flinch. “But I still don’t get why you won’t tell any of your friends.”
“There’s no football team.”
This comes as almost more of a surprise than anything else Phil has told me because he’s literally the poster boy for Batavia High School football. “But don’t you want to play football? I mean, at all?”
“I was recruited to play football at a couple smaller Division One schools. Eastern has a really good coach. That could’ve meant a partial scholarship, but I honestly don’t care if I don’t play football at school. Like I told you, it wasn’t even my first choice of sport. It sort of just … happened. I love it, but now everyone expects me to play, but I’m ready to move on—try something different.”
“If your parents are okay with it, then you’re set, right? Does Lisa know?” I don’t know why I say Lisa’s name. This time, this space between me and Phil, it’s like this perfect, intricate diorama, and when I say her name, it reminds me that we’re just paper figures taped inside a shoebox.
He shakes his head and lowers his eyes, twirling a few blades of grass between his fingers. “No. You’re the first person I’ve told outside my family.”
A tiny flicker of hope lights up inside me. If Lisa doesn’t know about his college plans, she and Phil can’t be that serious anymore. Right? This could mean … something. On the other hand, I am certain they haven’t broken up. Violet is definitely certain, and I rely on her to determine the truth regarding all affaires de c?ur, especially long distance from Paris. Maybe I’m just another one of Phil’s secrets.
He lies back and stares into the sky. “It’s complicated.”
“How?”
“She’s going to Eastern. She thinks I’m going with her. I know I need to tell her. I just can’t bring myself … I’ve been avoiding it.”
“Tell her what you told me. She’ll understand.” I clamp my mouth shut, but too late; the words are already out. Not only am I giving him relationship advice, but it’s totally hypocritical because it’s advice I’m dishing out but totally not able to take. From myself. I’m hiding from my parents. And, to be honest, from Kareem, too. Phil’s hiding from Lisa. We both have truths that we’re hiding from practically everyone else, except each other.
“Doubt it. She is not into the outdoors, at all. I mean, maybe an outdoor mall …”
I see a chance to ask Phil the question that’s been gnawing at me for three days. I’ve been holding back, because I know I shouldn’t fish in none-of-my-business waters. Now I cast my line. “Lisa must love this place, though. It pretty much defines outdoorsy.”
Phil is silent for a moment. “I’ve never brought her here,” he says finally.
My heart thumps against my rib cage like it has wings. My brain floods with words, but I don’t blurt them out. I hold onto the stillness of this moment, waiting for what he will say next.