Love, Chloe(75)

I had to give Justin credit, though. He’d stuck to his word about Skyping every other day with us. As much as I looked forward to those chats, it was getting harder and harder to be away from him. As the days went on, so had the fresh memory of our time together in Massachusetts. The reassurance that night had given me was slowly being replaced by fear and insecurity again with each day that passed. While I trusted him more after we’d made love, he still hadn’t told me he loved me. In my mind, that meant that nothing was set in stone. Couple that with the fact that he would be away for over a dozen more weeks, and that made for one paranoid girlfriend.

It was two days before Christmas. Bea and I were invited to an ugly sweater party over at Roger and Susan’s house. Justin had called earlier to say they’d just arrived in California. I was grateful for the distraction that the party would bring. At least for a couple of hours, it would prevent me from sulking in front of the Christmas tree at the beach house.

I’d gone to a local thrift store and bought a hideous red sweater with little Christmas bulbs sewn onto the front. I’d even managed to find an ugly Christmas sweater onesie online for Bea. So, we were all ready for the festivities.

The temperature was frigid as I bundled Bea up and ran across to the neighbors’ house which was lit up in multi-colored lights. An inflatable snowman blew in the wind out front. Living near the water in the middle of winter was less than ideal.

Carrying some freshly-baked sugar cookies, I knocked on their door with my foot, since I had no extra hands.

Roger opened the door. “Amelia, you made it! Susan wasn’t sure if you were coming.”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” I said, handing him the plate of cookies. “Is Susan in the kitchen?”

“She is. You’re the first one here.”

“Figures.” I grinned. “I have the shortest commute.”

Just as I was about to head to see Susan, Roger’s voice stopped me. “Hey, Amelia?”

“Yes?”

“Since Susan’s been back, we really haven’t had a chance to talk. I’ve always felt a little strange about not telling you myself about us getting back together.”

“You didn’t owe me any explanation. I already explained to her that nothing happened between you and me.”

“I know you did. I’m really happy that you two have become friends. And I want you to know that I was truly grateful for your friendship, too, at a time when I really needed it.”

“I’m really happy for you guys.”

“Thank you.” He paused. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

Roger tilted his head. “Are you happy?”

“I am. Just a little lonely with Justin gone.”

“You know, you used to tell me that there was nothing going on between the two of you…”

“At the time, there wasn’t. I’d always had feelings for him, though.”

“He’s coming back, right? After the tour?”

“Yes.”

“Is that what he wants to do with his life? Be a touring musician? Live on the road?”

“I’m not sure if that’s how it’s always going to be. He works in software sales, but that’s not his dream. Music is his dream. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity, so he had to take it.”

“Who’s he on tour with again?”

“Calvin Sprockett.”

“Wow. Yeah. That’s pretty big stuff.”

“It is.”

After a bit of awkward silence, Roger asked, “Are any of those guys still married?”

“You mean Calvin and his band?”

“Yeah...”

I had to think about it. “Now that you mention it…I don’t think they are.”

Roger hung up my coat as he said, “I suppose marriage doesn’t really mesh with sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll. Not to mention constantly traveling. You know, things had never been harder for me than when I was physically away from Susan and Alyssa. I don’t know too much about Justin, but it seems like he’s very fond of Bea. If he wants to be a father to her, absenteeism really doesn’t work. I figured that out the hard way, and that was without the additional complication of fame.”

“I don’t think he’s figured out whether he wants kids.”

“Well, don’t you think it’s time he did, if he wants to be with you?” Roger must have sensed that he was stressing me out. “I’m sorry, Amelia. I’m just looking out for you.”

“I appreciate that. But I’m just looking for eggnog tonight, nothing more complicated than that, alright?”

Closing his eyes briefly in understanding, he chuckled and said, “You got it. Let me grab some for you.”

Through the muffled laughter of their guests, who were dressed in a rainbow of ugly sweaters, my thoughts kept me distracted. Even though my conversation with Roger had long ended, I’d spent the remainder of the party pondering everything he’d said. It was nothing I didn’t already worry about, but hearing the concern come from someone else—someone who understood the long-term responsibilities of fatherhood—was eye-opening.

***

Back at the house later that night, I rocked Bea to sleep in front of the tree to the sounds of a children’s choir CD of Christmas carols. Earlier in the week, I’d wrapped some presents and placed them under the tree. They were all for Bea and included a small box that Justin had shipped to her to be opened on Christmas morning.