Love Your Life(68)

Should I leave? But what if that looks rude?

“Sit on your towel, Ava,” says Greta encouragingly, and gingerly I place it on the wooden slats. As I sit down, I can see Sigrid peering at me with detached interest.

“Why do you sit in a costume?” she inquires politely. “Are you ashamed of your pubis?”

Am I…?

What?

“No!” I say, my voice shrill. “I mean…I don’t think…Gosh. I’ve never really…It’s quite hot in here….”

My floundering is cut short by the sauna door opening. Three men troop in, all wrapped up in towels and smiling broadly.

“Henrik!” exclaims Greta. “This is a friend of Matt, Ava.”

“Hello, Ava!” says Henrik cheerfully. And I know it’s my cue to reply, but I can’t speak. I’m paralyzed in dread. The men are all busily unwrapping their towels, revealing hairy chests and thighs and…They’re not going to…They’re not…Surely they’re not…

Oh my God. Yes, they are. All three of them.

Look at the door, Ava. Look at the door.

My head is rigidly fixed ahead. My gaze is locked on the wooden slats. I’m trying to blank out that glimpse I just caught of Henrik’s…

    I mean, just as a sidebar, no wonder Greta’s so cheery….

No. No. Stop thinking, Ava. Stop looking. Just…stop.

I realize I’m clenching my towel so hard that tendons are standing out on my hands—and Greta seems to notice. “Ava, are you feeling quite well?” she says in concerned tones. “Is the heat too much? If you are not used to saunas, it’s better not to overdo it.”

“I’m fine!” I say. “I just…I suppose I’m not used to the…” I trail off and take a deep breath. I might as well come clean. “In England we don’t tend to…We wear bathing suits.”

Greta’s eyes instantly pop with understanding.

“Of course!” she exclaims. “Of course.” She says something in rapid German to the others, and they all start exclaiming, too, including the men.

“We must apologize!” says Greta brightly. “Poor Ava. You must find this very strange! You see, to us it is normal. Imagine, Henrik! She walks into the sauna expecting to see bathing suits. Yet she finds naked bodies!”

Her arm sweeps around the sauna, and before I can stop myself, I follow it with my gaze, and…

Okaaaay. I’ve seen the whole lot. Can’t unsee that.

“Quite a misunderstanding,” Henrik is saying jovially. “Very hilarious.”

“We will eat out on this!” Greta nods, then turns to me, her breasts flopping about. “Is that the correct idiom, ‘eat out’?”

“I…guess,” I say, desperately trying not to see her nipples. “Or ‘dine out’ would be more—oh!” I gasp, as Henrik gets up, swaying all over the place.

    “Elsa and John are just coming down as well, by the way,” he says conversationally to Greta. “The sauna will be packed!”

As his words impinge on my mind, I stop dead. Elsa and John are—

What?

It takes a moment for me to comprehend the full horror of this scenario. My possible future in-laws? In a sauna? Naked?

Already I’m on my feet, clutching my towel, my heart thumping, sweat pouring down my face in rivers.

“It was lovely to see you all,” I gabble. “I mean, meet you all. I mean…But I think I’m sauna-ed out. So…er…have fun!”

As I push my way out, my legs are trembling. I need to get changed very, very fast. I need to not see Elsa or John naked. This is my priority.

I drench myself briefly in a shower and dump the wet suit in what seems to be a laundry hamper. Then I shove my clothes on any old how and hurry out of the pool complex, in a state of slight panic. As I’m hurrying up the path, I see Matt approaching from the house and accelerate till I meet him.

“Did you have a nice time?” he begins. “We finished sooner than I—”

“Oh my God,” I cut him off. “Oh my God, Matt. You should have warned me!”

“What?” Matt looks puzzled.

    “The sauna!” I half-whisper, half-squeak. “Your family and their friends were in there! Naked!”

“Oh, right.” His face relaxes with understanding. “Yeah.”

I wait for him to say more—but that seems to be it. Is that really all he’s going to say?

OK, I am not a needy person, but in my opinion, “Oh, right. Yeah,” is not a sufficient response at this time.

“Naked,” I repeat for emphasis. “They were naked. All of them. You know how when you do a speech, they say, ‘Imagine they’re all naked, it’ll give you confidence’? Well, that’s a lie! It doesn’t!”

“It’s just the Austrian tradition.” Matt shrugs.

“But it’s not my tradition! I was freaked out! I was like, ‘Oh my God, I can see…’ You don’t want to know what I saw,” I finish meaningfully. “You don’t want to know.”

Matt laughs and I glare at him. He thinks this is funny?

“Did you set me up for this?” I say accusingly.