Love Handles (Oakland Hills #1)(36)

“I’m going to make us some dinner while you wash my sheets.”

“But I told you, we were just getting—”

He held up his hand. “Stop, stop, stop. You want to ruin your life with some stupid loser with orthopedic problems, do it in your own home. Which means you'll have to get one first.”

“That’s not fair,” April said. “I pay rent.”

He tilted his head. “What?”

“Not, like, in cash,” she said. “But I buy stuff for the place.”

“Ah. Stuff.”

She pointed down the hall towards the bathroom. “Toilet paper.”

“It offends Paige,” he said. “I had to put it away.” Each square had a picture of Rush Limbaugh’s face.

“Paige is a Nazi. Humanity offends her.”

“I found it rather disturbing myself.”

April, eager to push the conversation further away from her own culpability, jumped on the topic of his latest girlfriend. “Admit it, she’s horrible.”

“Don’t change the subject.” He looked down at her bare shoulders sticking out above his comforter she’d wrapped around herself and frowned. “Now you’ll have to wash the duvet, too.”

“You have gotten so gay, I swear.” April turned around. “You were never like this before you started working in fashion.” She sashayed over to the bed.

“Now who’s offended by humanity?” Liam shut the door, walked to the kitchen, put down the beer, and wondered if he’d be better at his job if he were gay. People wouldn’t doubt his career so much, he’d meet plenty of candidates for casual sex, and he wouldn’t be thinking about what Bev Lewis would feel like under him naked.

“I can’t believe I used ‘gay’ as an insult.” April came back into the kitchen in jeans and a tight T-shirt that said 100% Natural across her chest. Her curly brown hair was a messy cloud around her head. “I’m really disgusted with myself.”

He frowned at her shirt. “Did you wash my sheets yet?”

“You are so anal.” She walked past him and plucked a note off the fridge. “She called, by the way. Das girlfriend.”

“What did she say?”

“To eat shit and die?” April got herself a beer. “What do you think she said? That you better call her back, or she’s going to dump you. That you don’t deserve her.”

He reached down to get a pot out of the cabinet and filled it with water. “So if I don’t call her back, she’s going to dump me?” He was surprised to find he didn’t feel too bad about that.

A small smile formed in the corner of April’s mouth. She lifted the bottle to her lips. “That’s right.”

He put the pot on the stove and turned on the gas. “Was there any time limit on this offer?”

April burst out laughing and gave him a squeeze. “That’s my bro. Mr. Commitment.”

“It’s not commitment that’s the problem,” he said.

“It’s your taste in women?”

He saluted her with his beer. “I like my women.”

“No, you don’t. You just like to sleep with them.”

“Pot, meet kettle,” Liam said.

“You just sleep with the bitchy ones so you’re not tempted to marry them. I’m on to you, bro.”

“I almost wish you were right, April. Thing is, I like ‘em bitchy. They turn me on.” He raised an eyebrow. “Sure you want to hear more?”

April jabbed him in the chest. “Fine. Then marry one of them, if you like them so much. Poor Mom. That’s all she talks about, you living alone.”

He glared at her. “I wish.”

“Seriously. What’s your problem with getting hitched?”

“I don’t want to suffer the side effects.”

She lowered the bottle, sobering. “You mean children. So, just don’t have them. Keep buying your condoms at Costco.”

“I do not want to know my sister has been stealing my condoms,” he muttered.

“As if even you could use them all up before the expiration. Anyway, just because you’re afraid of being like Dad doesn’t mean you can’t date women who don’t totally suck. Scratch that, who do suck, like in the right way—”

“April—”

“And you could never be like him. You’re a total pushover. Can you imagine Dad letting Aunt Shirley sleep on his couch?”

He shook his head. “You’ve never seen me at work. I’m a demanding tyrant, just as bad as he was. Worse actually, because I’ve got more people to manage and higher stakes than my own reputation.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Believe it.” He pulled open a drawer, looking for a spoon. “At least they’re adults. I’d never risk lording that shit over a kid. Or the kid’s mother.”

“As if a woman like Paige would ever let you lord any shit over her.”

“Which is why I date women like Paige,” he said.

April’s mouth flattened. “I don’t think bitchy women make you happy.”

“You don’t know what I’m really like, April. I do. I’m an arrogant pain in the ass, and any woman nice enough to put up with that for long would end up hurt, just like—” He stopped himself.