Love Beyond Words (City Lights, #1)(94)

“I can’t stay here,” Natalie told Julian when they stepped into her place. The memories of David with his gun to her head haunted her little studio. “I don’t think I can stay here ever again. And David’s office at your place…” She shivered and Julian nodded grimly.

“I’ll call Detective Swanson and let her know we’re going to a hotel.”

Natalie packed a small bag of clothes. Julian was just getting off the phone when she came out.

“The detective says that they think Jesse is going to be okay. He had surgery for a ruptured spleen and it was a touchy night, but he’s alive.”

“We have to make sure they know how he helped us,” Natalie said. “If it weren’t for him, Garrett would have…” She shivered again.

“Did he touch you?” Julian asked, his eyes dark.

“No, love.”

“Swanson says he’s alive too. I thought I might have killed him. If he touched you, I will. I’ll kill him.”

“Then I’d lose you all over again.” She took his hand. “He didn’t touch me, I promise.” She didn’t yet know all that had happened in the time before Julian found her at Land’s End aside from what she’d heard him tell the police at the scene, and then she had been in a trance of relief, she’d hardly heard. “What about your book?” she asked, to pull his thoughts from Garrett.

“They found it. With that older guy…Cliff. I’m glad,” he said. “For your sake.”

“I’m glad too,” she said. “But not for me. I’m glad that beauty still exists in the world.”

“I feel that way about you. I thought I had lost you…”

He shook his head, his eyes heavy. Now that it was all over, he was filling the quiet spaces with regret for what he missed about David. He turned away to stare out of her window.

“Last year,” he said quietly, “when he told me he had feelings for me, I was torn. I couldn’t imagine working closely with someone I cared about but who didn’t care for me in return. I wondered if it would be better if I let him go. For his sake. But I couldn’t do it. He was my only true friend and had been for five years. He assured me it was okay, that he was okay. But obviously he wasn’t. He needed help and I didn’t see it, and it cost him everything.” He looked at Natalie, his eyes cloudy with regret. “And you and Marshall nearly paid the same price. I don’t know that I can forgive myself for what happened to you—”

“Julian, don’t,” Natalie said, moving into his arms. “It’s over. It’s okay. I’m going to be okay. I’m not going to let any of this haunt me. There will be dark moments…emotions I can’t predict. But I’m going to face them head on. No more hiding.” She smiled faintly. “It’s what my parents would want for me, I think.”

The pain came as it always did, but it was a dull ache instead of a sharp stab. It would never disappear altogether, but she knew it would get easier with time. Natalie went to the bookshelf and took up the photo of her and her parents at the ski resort.

“Julian, this is my father, Curtis,” she told him. “See that tired smile? He took his family for a nice vacation, intending for everyone to have a good time, and is instead is met with complaints at every turn. He was so patient. And kind.”

Julian smiled faintly. “I can see it in his eyes.”

“This is my mother, Tammy. She hated to fail at anything, and had never been skiing. After falling on her rump more times that she could count, she wanted to call it a day.”

“She is beautiful.”

“She was,” Natalie agreed “And this is me. I’m not smiling because I was thirteen years old and tethered to my parents for two straight weeks. But I told them I loved them, every day, since I could talk. Including the day they died.”

“I’m proud of you,” Julian said. “You’re so brave. To face this…and David.”

“I had to, for you,” Natalie said. “And for them. And for me.”

“It’s good to meet them.”

She smiled at the picture and tucked it into her bag. “I know they would have loved you.”

#

They took a cab to the Handlery Hotel on Union Square, and once alone in the elegant suite, Julian drew the blinds closed against the morning sunlight. He started to turn down the bed so that they might get some much-needed sleep. But Natalie shook her head.

“I want to take a shower,” she said. “Will you help me?”

“Of course.”

She ran the hot water and got undressed. He followed, stood behind her and ran his fingers through her hair, rinsing the memory of David’s yanking grip. He soaped her back and shoulders, and the bruises on her wrist were Garrett had grabbed her.

She turned to face him. “My turn.”

His back was dark with bruises, and the two lancing purple streaks on his left shoulder looked terrible. As the soap ran off, she ran her hands over these, and traced her fingers along the dark splotch on his abdomen. He’d fought hard with Garrett, she knew. It was a miracle he wasn’t hurt worse. Much worse.

They said nothing, but she could feel ugliness and terror of the night slipping away, leaving exhilaration in its stead. These sensations, the hot water, Julian’s hands where they touched her, and his warm skin under her own…Even the fading pain on her brow. She relished it all, reveled in it, felt it try to burst out of her. She wanted to laugh or cry or both. No, I want more…