Lost and Found (Masters & Mercenaries: The Forgotten #2)(42)

Damn him, but he’d forgotten River was a vegetarian. There was cheese but no meat, and a shocking amount of green stuff.

He was hungry and it wasn’t all about food. Since the day with Rebecca, Owen Shaw had realized how empty his life had been, and he suddenly wanted to fill it.

Fill it with her.

That woman had done something to him, and he wasn’t entirely sure he was happy about that.

“She’ll be here,” Robert said before popping a marinated olive in his mouth.

Owen shrugged. “Or she won’t. Maybe you were all right and I fucked this up.”

He’d been thinking about it every second since she’d blown him off. He’d been careful when they’d crossed paths, merely giving her a smile and a breezy hello.

“God, don’t get broody,” Robert groaned. “I need one of the Euros to have a sunny disposition. Sasha threw a plunger at me earlier today, and I swear he was trying to impale me. I often wish McDonald had more carefully screened her experiments for personality.”

Owen stared at him. A shiver went through him. He dreamed about it at night, about that moment he couldn’t remember, the one that had changed him utterly. In those nightmares, he saw the needle coming his way and looked up so he could see the face of the doctor who would take everything away from him.

He’d talked to Ariel about the dreams. What he’d never told her was that every time he looked up to take in Dr. McDonald’s face before she erased him, he’d seen his own staring back.

The person in his nightmares was always, always himself.

“I don’t understand how you joke about it,” he said quietly. “I know I laugh and play along, but inside I’m not. Inside I think maybe I’m more broken than the rest of you.”

Why the fuck had that popped out? He hadn’t even had more than two sips of the whiskey and soda Jax had placed in his hand.

Maybe that was the problem. He wasn’t drinking enough. He wasn’t following his usual pattern, and it was fucking with him hard.

He was about to chuckle and pretend he was joking when Robert put a hand on his shoulder.

“No, brother, it’s only that I’ve been broken longer than you,” he said solemnly. “I’ve been broken for years, and you’ll find that if you let it, some of those broken pieces will heal. They won’t be the same, but you’ll find ways to cope that aren’t about trying to obliterate yourself. Ezra talked to me this afternoon. He’s optimistic that this is going to work better than our original plan.”

“I don’t know about that,” he admitted, storing Robert’s words for later examination. Was he trying to obliterate himself? Was that why he got drunk and thought about starting fights he knew he couldn’t win? He’d been in a bar brawl in Colorado and a fierce joy had lit through him when he’d realized how serious the man he’d fought had been about trying to kill him. It had occurred to him that this might be an excellent way to go out.

Not fade away. Never fade. He should go out in a blaze of glory.

“Stop it with the doubt, man,” Robert said. “There’s no place for it. When Dr. Walsh gets here, you need to charm her. This is all about forgetting everything but the mission.”

A gentle chime went through the apartment and he was shocked at how his whole body seemed to go on alert.

River winked his way as she headed for the door, Buster hard on her heels.

Jax had found something special in Colorado. He’d found a family, was building a home, and it had nothing at all to do with some house. Jax’s home wasn’t found in four walls and carpet. It was there in River. In the way she smiled at him, in how she believed so much in him she’d walked away from everything she’d known.

The life that had been Jax’s nightmare was now an adventure.

“Hi, I’m sorry I’m late,” Becca was saying as River let her in. She was wearing a white shirt and a black skirt that was somehow professional and righteously sexy. A sweet-looking black and white cardigan completed her uniform. Pink gloss made her lips shiny, and she’d let her hair down. It hung around her face in thick tendrils that made him want to sink his hands into it and force her to look up at him.

He hadn’t topped her, and he craved that in a way he never had before. He’d trained at The Garden because it had taken up the lonely hours. He’d enjoyed the D/s sex he’d had, but he hadn’t understood the need to be in control until tonight.

“You’re not late,” River said, accepting the bottle of wine with a gracious smile. “Jax’s boss isn’t even here yet. I barely put out the appetizers. You’ve met Owen, but I’m not sure if you know his friend, Robert.”

He watched as Becca’s shoulders went stiff and straight and she turned slowly. Her eyes were wide when she took him in. She had not been expecting him. And then he saw the moment she decided to brazen her way through. Her lips curled up in a smile and she reached out a hand to him.

“Hello, elevator friend. I didn’t expect to see you here,” she said and there was a hint of something in her eyes.

Something that told him this wasn’t a pleasant surprise.

But there was something deeper, something almost afraid. Maybe more than almost.

Fuck. He could play the game. He would enjoy the seduction game with her, but if she was scared, he couldn’t overcome that. He had no idea why she would be afraid, but he’d talked to enough women to know she might have her reasons.