Lost and Found (Masters & Mercenaries: The Forgotten #2)(104)

Ezra was quiet for a moment. “Sometimes I feel like I’ve always been married to her and yet I know there was a time before Solo. Kim. I call her Solo because it’s far easier to deal with the operative than the woman underneath. I wish I could separate them sometimes.”

“I think she still loves you, if that’s any comfort.”

“Sometimes love isn’t enough.”

And it wouldn’t be for him either. “Becca doesn’t know me. She knows who I’ve shown her. She fell for a lie.”

“Was it?” Ezra asked. “You didn’t step into that elevator with plans to seduce her, did you?”

“No.” But it hadn’t taken him long.

“It would have been simpler for you to have introduced yourself the way you were supposed to. You know we had an argument about why you changed up the plan. Some of the guys thought you might have done it because Big Tag took you off lead.”

“I didn’t.” He wasn’t surprised they thought that way though.

“Tucker bought the whole line about how you realized she needed to be played differently,” Ezra pointed out.

“I told you what happened. I wasn’t lying.”

Ezra chuckled and sounded a bit amused. “Oh, you were lying, but mostly to yourself. A couple of us knew why you’d done it. Me and Robert and Jax. We knew it had been about her. You see we all know what it’s like to meet a woman and know. We might not have known exactly what we knew, but it was there deep down. Like a memory of something beautiful, a hint of some life we used to lead. You saw her and something clicked into place.”

And he hadn’t been able to say the words he should have. He hadn’t been able to lie about his attraction to her. He hadn’t been able to stop himself from kissing her. “I love her, Ezra.”

“Yeah, I got that.” The boss gave him a sad sort of smile. “It’s okay. Stay with her. Stop punishing yourself. It’s time to let that go.”

“And how will she feel when she finds out who I was?” It was his greatest fear, that she would learn what he’d done and turn away in disgust.

“When she finds out you were so desperate to save your mom and sister that you made a poor choice? Somehow I think she’ll forgive you for that. Everyone else has. Even Erin. Oh, that woman won’t ever let you know it, but she disagreed with Big Tag about pulling you from the lead. And Big Tag didn’t pull you because he was still angry with you. He pulled you because you stay in the shadows and show no ambition to move out of them. He pulled you because you let your guilt rule your life, and that means you’re likely to do something stupid like sacrifice yourself at the earliest opportunity.”

He would argue but the truth was Ezra was right. Big Tag was right. “I owe them. I owe the Taggarts a lot.”

“Jesus, I hate these things.” Erin Taggart sighed and pulled out a chair at the table, slumping into it. “Sorry, I can’t sleep. The bed here sucks and Theo’s mumbling in his sleep. Nothing scary. He’s talking to Case about beer. I can’t have a beer so I don’t want to listen to him talk about beer. Then I come out here and you two are having a feels talk. Haven’t I vomited enough for one day?”

He had no idea how to handle Erin. It was best to simply apologize. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t murder you. Doesn’t change anything,” she shot back.

“Erin.” Ezra managed to make her name an admonition.

The redhead sighed and sat back. “Owen, we’ve all done shit we’re not proud of. You should have trusted your team, but you panicked. She had your family. I personally would have let my brothers or father rot, but apparently you loved your family.” She shuddered. “Fuck, I’ve been around Avery too long. My partner’s wife is a freaking saint and I’m going to take a play from her book. You know what you owe me, Shaw? You owe me a good life. You owe it to me to try to find some happiness and to make better choices this time around. I forgive you and shit. Now can someone make some hot chocolate or something? It’s going to be a long night. I hate this job.”

She looked ready to move but he had a few things to say. He shifted so he was standing in front of her. “I’m sorry, Erin. I never said it to you. Not plain and direct. I’m sorry. I was selfish, and it could have cost you everything. I don’t know what was going through my brain at the time. I can’t remember them, but I must have loved them.”

“I know you did.” She sounded solemn for a moment. “And I think you love her. So don’t fuck it up.”

“I already did,” he replied. “Even if she can forgive my past, she won’t ever forgive me for lying to her. She won’t forgive the way we met.”

“I’ve seen couples survive worse,” Erin replied before pointing to Ezra. “Not that one, though. He’s super stubborn and does not consider an actual divorce to be a break. He and Solo are so not going to end up like Ross and Rachel. Be smarter than they are.”

“Do you have to be such an asshole?” Ezra asked.

Erin shrugged. “I’m the chick who says what everyone’s thinking.”

“I was not thinking that at all,” Ezra said before turning back to Owen. “If you want Rebecca, don’t let up. I watched Theo’s twin brother Case utterly ruin his relationship with Mia. And he could have accepted that. He could have laid down and accepted that it was over.”