Losing Me, Finding You(26)

“Because you're worried about me?” she asks, and I don't like where this is going.

“Shut the f*ck up,” I tell her, grabbing a condom from my back pocket and unzipping my pants. I slip the latex onto my dick and grab Mireya's ass, lifting her up and slamming her back into the wall. “And stay out of that crap.”

“Is that an order?” she asks me slyly, wrapping her legs around me, so I can slide into her.

“Damn right it is,” I growl as I thrust forward and try not to feel like I'm betraying a girl I don't even know.



Chapter 20

I don't know how to feel after my encounter with Austin. My heart is thumping and my body is pulsing, begging me to race outside the doors of the shoe shop and throw myself into his arms. I want him to bend me over again, fill me with his long, hard cock, and grind into me until I scream. At the same time, I feel dejected, almost miserable. Christy still won't look at me, and we end up spending our short outing together looking at black flats and fuchsia heels – neither of which I like, both of which I buy.

“Christy,” I begin when we climb into her car, but she doesn't want to talk to me for whatever reason, blasting the Christian rock station so loud that by the time we get back to our houses, my ears are ringing. I leave her sitting in the hot driveway without another word. Something's bothering my friend, but until she decides she wants to tell me, there's nothing I can do.

“Amy?” my mother asks when I step into the house, blinking the hot sun out of my eyes and passing over my shopping bag without a second thought. My mother always checks my purchases. Always. She nods her head in approval at both pairs of shoes and pats my hand with a smile. “Good girl,” she says, praising me like I'm a dog or something. I try to keep my expression neutral, but an itty-bitty frown manages to crawl onto my face. “Now, your aunt stopped by with your dress. It's on your bed, so be careful not to wrinkle it.” She pauses and watches me as I set my hand on the banister of the staircase, desperate to move up the steps and lock myself into my room, so I can think. Admittedly, I'm a bit confused at the moment, a bit unsure of myself.

Only one thing hasn't changed: I'm still leaving.

Christy, Austin, today, tomorrow – all of these things are small factors that I have to consider, but they will not affect the final outcome. I will be free.

“You're getting your hair done at six, so make sure you're up and showered.” I nod curtly and wait until my mother gives me some sort of sign that it's okay for me to go. This is the way things have always been, so it's the way they're going to stay until I leave. If I act differently beforehand, she'll know something is up, and she'll try to make me stay. I don't want to deal with that. “And paint your nails tonight. We don't have time to get them done.” Yeah, because you moved the wedding all of a sudden, presumably for my benefit. I feel a bit sorry for Jodie, but there's not much I can do about it. My family as a collective whole does not care about individual happiness. It's all about the image we present to the community and the rules that are carved into our souls with blood. “Now go along and get some rest,” she says, finally dismissing me from her rule.

When I get into my room, I drop my shoes to the floor and pull off my sweater, throwing it to the ground and opening the windows in my room wide, so I can lean out and feel the hot breeze against my cheek. I can still taste Austin's mouth, feel his hands on my hips and his body inside of mine. I want him so bad it hurts, and I can't tell if it's just the sex I'm interested in or the man himself. I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to men, so I can't be sure of anything really. All I know is that I'm a walking, talking mess of nerves and hormones.

I try to think about Sali Bend and how she dealt with Glance Serone because, fictional character or no, I consider her one of my best friends.

The man was rude, crude, and inappropriate. I was taken with him the moment I walked in the door, and I knew from the first moment I saw him that it was going to be raw, it was going to be ugly, and I was going to enjoy every damn minute of it.

I think that Sali's advice is about as good as I'm going to get in this situation and try not to think too hard about things. I will pack my bags, empty my bank account, and see what happens. I'll leave the whole Austin thing alone and, as Sali bend might say, see what the hell happens. Either he'll ask this guy, Kent, about me, or he won't. I did tell him off anyhow. And then there's Christy to think about … I close my eyes and breathe in a mouthful of hot air. Screw it. I've got to learn to let go. After all, my whole life has been carefully planned and organized, structured and ruled over by others.

I think it's about time I infused myself with a little chaos.



Chapter 21

I wake up on the morning of my cousin's wedding and take a peek under my bed, so I can stare at my duffel bag and know that this is real, that this decision has been made and that one way or another, I am leaving. I have to do that, so I can survive the poking and prodding and primping of my aunt's long, red nails as she pulls and scrapes my hair up into an ugly, messy lump on the top of my head.

“Hold still,” she snaps, yanking me around aggressively. She's mad at me, though I don't see how any of this is my fault. I'm not the one that decided to move the wedding up; that was my father, actually. And my aunt has long since been my father's lackey. Maybe it's because they grew up together. Maybe it's because my aunt is a weak person, someone who follows and never leads. Maybe that's it. “Now get up and get your dress on.” Megan pauses and sniffs rudely. “And take some of that makeup off. You look like a whore.”