Like a Memory(50)

He hadn’t wanted my comfort. There were no words I could have spoken that seemed right. No way to beg him not to leave me. To let me help him grieve. I couldn’t grieve for him. This was a blow that went deep and brutal. I had faced death. And while facing it my concern had been for those I’d leave behind. The pain I would inflict. I had fought when I wasn’t sure I had any fight left because I wouldn’t let them suffer my death.

But Nate . . . he would have to live through not only the death of his child but a terrible tragedy. One that would wound him in a way I couldn’t bear to think about. I wanted to be there for him. I hated letting him go. But he’d not wanted me.

Thinking about me and my loss wasn’t fair. I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t hurt for me. Because I had loved a man and lost him. He had never even got to hold his son. I’d mourn but I’d mourn for him. Not because I lost him but because of what he lost. I loved Nate Finlay even if that love had been one sided. It was enough for me. I knew what love was. I had experienced it twice for very short times. But both with him.

The door opened and Eli was standing there. His face etched with worry and concern. “I saw him leave with two men. One drove him the other drove his truck. He had his duffel bag. Are you okay? What did he do?”

I just stood there trying to listen. Knowing I had to say something to Eli but my soul felt so fractured that it hurt to think. To stand. To speak.

“I swear to God I will track his sorry rich spoiled ass down and beat it! What did he do?”

Eli was angry. Worried that Nate had hurt me. He had but he had no other choice. He was hurting worse. I understood that.

“Octavia hung herself, Eli. And she was pregnant with his son.”

Eli’s anger blew out like a candle. His face dropped and the horror of my words registered on his face.

“Holy shit,” he whispered.

“He’s gone.” Those two words didn’t say everything but they didn’t have to. Eli knew. Nate was gone and he wouldn’t be back. I felt like a horrible person for even grieving over losing him. Before I even got to enjoy loving him.

Eli’s arms were around me and once there I let the pain go. The sobbing for all Nate had lost. What he’d never have and for what we would never have.

I woke the next morning in my bed but my clothes were still on. Eli had held me while I cried last night on the sofa. That was the last thing I remembered. I must have fallen sleep. I touched my eyes. They felt raw and swollen. The ache in my chest was still there and I stared up at the ceiling. Today was like any other day. I’d get up, eat, get dressed, go to work. Life would go one. Except my heart was somewhere else. With someone else. And I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t hold him as Eli had held me

There was a soft knock on my door and then it slowly opened and Eli peeked in. “Oh you’re awake,” he said opening it wider and coming inside.

“I’ll get you some coffee. What do you feel like eating?”

He was treating me like I had just lost my child. Like this horrific reality was mine. Who was making sure Nate had something to eat? Was there someone he would allow to hold him? Had he cried? Sobbed for the emptiness and grieved? Who was with him?

I hated this. I hated not knowing if he was okay. But he made it clear with his body language and words he didn’t say that he didn’t want me near him. In the light of day, I realized he blamed me. Us. For this. Octavia had done this because Nate had left her. Broken things off. People broke up all the time. This wasn’t fair. To react this way. To take another life with your own. She had to be in a very dark place but I was angry at her. For her choice. For what she took. How could she do that? Leave her family behind? I’d not been given a choice. I had to fight to live yet she just threw her life away and that of her child’s.

“Do you think someone is making sure he eats?”

Eli walked over and sat at my feet on the edge of the bed. “Yes. Now that I know what happened, what I saw last night makes sense. I think that his dad came here to get him. Didn’t want him to drive. Brought the other man to drive his truck home. I watched his dad hug him tightly. I think he’s being watched over. He’s not alone.”

“He has good parents,” I said more for my sake than anything. Reminding myself what I knew already.

“I’m glad.”

I nodded and finally sat up. “He blames me. He blames us. What we did. Him breaking up with her because of me. I . . . I kissed him before he broke up with her. Maybe I am to blame. He could hate me and be justified.” I dropped my head into my hands. “I just don’t understand it. How someone can be so upset that they take their life knowing the devastation they’ll leave behind.”

Eli let out a deep sigh. “I don’t either. But we don’t know where her head was. She could have been in a twisted dark place and didn’t know how to ask for help. Who to ask.”

That wasn’t enough for me. Maybe Eli thought she had an excuse but I didn’t She just took lives like they weren’t meaningful. Like every breath we take isn’t a gift. Because it is. I knew that. I knew that every time I saw the sunrise it wasn’t something to take for granted. It was something to be thankful for. It wasn’t to be tossed away. Life was special. No matter how hard it got it could get better. You had to trust that.

“I know you fought to live, Bliss. You see life as the precious gift it is. I also know that is what you’re sitting there battling over in your head. But people have problems. Their brains betray them. They need help maybe even medication. You don’t know what her thoughts were when she did it.”