Liars and Losers Like Us(71)

Donna then talks a little about learning some coping skills to “add tools to my tool belt.” It’s hard not to actually imagine her wearing a bulky leather belt and passing me a hammer as she gives me tips on breathing. She says that trying to fight the anxiety by telling it to go away is usually going to make it worse. “Don’t just tell yourself to calm down and breathe. Try not to put so much energy into pushing away the fears and anxieties. Acknowledge them and allow yourself a moment or however long you need with those feelings. Do your best to take longer, slower breaths. Keep breathing, and keep going.”

I want to tell Donna everything about Maisey, and maybe even about Sean, but our time is up. When I told Mom I wanted to do this appointment today, I thought I’d just come in here and this lady would tell me what to do about feeling so mad at myself about Maisey. I thought she might tell me what to do about going to Prom without Sean, but I didn’t even have time for that.

When Donna says she’d like to see me again next week, I say, “All right, sure.” As if that was my plan all along.

Stepping out of her office, I feel lighter and at the same time, a little heavier. Maybe it’s because I realize I have a lot more shit to deal with than I thought. Or maybe it’s because this appointment helped and now dealing with things might be a little easier. It’s as if now I’m wearing some armor and if things get bad, I won’t always have to run away. I guess I’ll find out.

****

After relaying some of my therapy session with Mom over brunch, the day feels like it should already be over. But it’s not. It’s still Prom Day. Too-much-crap-in-my-head-today day.

Once I’m finally back at home and kicking back in my bed, I set my alarm for one hour so I can take a nap.

First thought when I wake up is about Maisey. My heart twinges a little. Reaching into the drawer of my bedside table, I grab her letter. Sean’s, which was on top of it, falls to the floor. I reread them both. I don’t cry this time. For me or either of them. I have some ideas. Sure they probably won’t have me coming out on top, but it’s Prom night. There’s only a week left of school. Not much left to lose. And face it, Jane was right, I’m alone.

Around five, I head over to Kallie’s so we can do our hair and makeup together.

Kallie groans. “Are you sure you don’t want to come to dinner with me and Todd? I don’t think I can sit through a whole meal with him, alone.”

I laugh. “You made that bed, you’re gonna lie in it. By yourself. But make sure you order the most expensive meal.”

“Of course. I’ll probably order two. But what if we pick you up on the way to the dance? That way you can arrive with us?”

“Kal, really, I’m fine. I’m gonna go home, eat pizza with my mom, and go to the dance around eight. I’ll see you there.”

Kallie’s mom and dad take a few pictures of us. Me smiling, still in jeans with my hair up and makeup done, and Kallie is even more stunning in her dress than she was yesterday.

“I can’t believe it’s finally here. The night we’ve been waiting forever for. Sucks that these guys had to mess everything up, right?” Kallie shakes her head.

“When it comes down to it, I’m not sure if it was the guys that messed everything up. I think we kind of led ourselves here, to this point.”

“You might be onto something, Dr. Hughes, but no way am I admitting to it. Hells no. I’m blaming Todd all night long.” She checks her phone for the time. “Speaking of snakes, he should be here any minute.”

“That’s my cue to leave. Tell your parents I’m taking a walk to the point before I head home.” I hug her and head down the trail that Sean and I walked, holding hands, only weeks ago.

At the bottom of the hill, I sit facing the water, raking my hands across the sand. I watch the water moving beneath the setting sun and wonder if Sean is reading my letter. The letter I left at his door after standing there motionless for at least five minutes this afternoon.

When I finally forced my finger to push his doorbell, I slipped the letter in the door, and jumped back into my car. A little more cowardly than I’d planned but at least I’d gone through with it.

Hey Sean Mills

I miss you.

If you can spare it,

please save the last dance for me.

Love,

Bree Hughes



****

I drive to the school around 8:45, taking my time. I feel good. My mom hugged me before I left, and I’m pretty sure her eyes were proud this time instead of pitying. My Aunt Jen, pair of emergency silver heels in tow, told me I’ve never looked more beautiful. I check my sun visor mirror and believe her. Grinning, I pump Maroon 5’s latest song the whole way to the dance, feeling like a rock star.

Pulling into the school parking lot, there are a few scattered cars and limos pulling up to the door. Apparently I’m not the only one fashionably late. Stepping out of my car, I reach into the backseat for the clutch purse Mom gave me. As I reach for it, something shines from the floor. My silver shoes. The ones I thought Jane stole. Oops.

I slam my door and head toward the main doors.

“Bree!”

Sitting on the hood of his dad’s fancy red BMW convertible is Chip. He’s smoking a cigarette and sharing a beer with my drop-dead pretty neighbor Langley Stone. Langley was last year’s Prom Queen and is this year’s head waitress at Crystal Wood Cabins, the restaurant slash souvenir shop known for their sexy-tacky bar-maid slash lumberjack uniforms.