Letters to Nowhere(77)

When his fingers drifted under the front of my tank top and danced around my belly button, I became aware of the fact that I was breathing very heavily and that he seemed to be waiting for my permission to move his hand higher. I opened my eyes and reached up to bring his head closer to mine. I couldn’t bring myself to verbally give him permission, but I saw that he was watching my face carefully as his hand slid farther up. I wasn’t wearing a bra because my tank top had one of those built–in bras and when I remembered this, it seemed like we were taking two steps forward all at once.

Jordan must have noticed this, too, because his fingers froze just before reaching my boobs and he leaned forward and whispered, “Want me to stop?”

I shook my head, unable to speak. It wasn’t that I expected this to be some great discovery like kissing was, but I expected it to feel good in the same way that it felt good when Jordan touched any of my bare skin with his.

“Are you sure?”

That made me laugh for some reason, maybe I was just nervous. “Are you trying to talk me out of it?”

He buried his face in my neck and laughed against my skin. “Of course not, but it just seems like a big deal, that’s all.”

“It is a big deal.” I combed my fingers through his hair, carefully avoiding the big bump and the stitches but making sure his head stayed down so I didn’t have to look at him. “But letting you touch them doesn’t seem like as big a deal as letting you see them.”

“So, no checking off my getting naked fantasy today?”

“Probably not.” I laughed again, loving the feel of his hair between my fingers. “I think the right side is bigger than the left. It’s a work in progress. Better to let you see the finished product.”

His head popped up, amusement written all over his face. “The right is bigger than the left? Seriously?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I’m a freak of nature.”

“My left foot is bigger than my right,” he said, then his face turned serious. “I’m sorry, but I have to find out for myself.”

I was laughing too hard to be nervous anymore, and Jordan stopped again before he got all the way there and I kissed him and said, “Just do it, don’t be a wimp.”

He dropped his head and started kissing my neck as his fingers moved higher and I forgot where I was and what day it was and that my parents were dead. I forgot a lot of things right then, and it was an absolutely beautiful feeling. Like I could be a whole person again, even with all that bad stuff hovering over me.

And Jordan could be this whole person lying beside me and pushing my shirt up higher, kissing my stomach and laying his cheek against it. I didn’t even know there were so many body parts that could be kissed, and we were still working above the waist.

“Still planning on helping me with my paper?” I asked, in between kisses.

“Damn, I forgot. We should go soon.” He scooted away from me and lay flat on his stomach, pressing his face into the blanket. “Just give me a minute…or five.”

I laughed at him before sitting up. At times like this, I was more than grateful to be a girl and not have to hide the fact that I was turned on.

“What’s your technique?” I pulled my sweatshirt over my head and sat cross–legged on the blanket.

“What technique?”

“You know, like Finn on Glee. He always thinks about the mailman hitting his windshield.”

He laughed into the blanket. “First off, I don’t watch Glee so I have no idea who Finn is, and right now I’m thinking about Mrs. Garrett in her nightgown.”

“Is it working?”

He turned his head to the side and smiled at me. “It might if you would stop talking.”

I mimed zipping my lips and sat perfectly still until Jordan finally pulled himself up off the blanket. I folded it neatly and held it to my chest. “So…?” I prompted him.

“So…what?”

I turned my back to him, heading toward the car. “Was I right? About the size difference?”

Jordan hooked an arm around my waist and lifted me off the ground. He spun around a few times. “Is it even possible for you to get dizzy anymore? All those giant swings around the bars…”

He set me down and tried to kiss me, but I leaned back and lifted my eyebrows.

“Fine,” he said with a sigh. “You were right, the left one is smaller.”

I kissed him before climbing into the passenger seat. “Thanks for being honest,” I said once he had gotten in the car, too.

“Now you’re not going to let me see anything, are you?”

I shrugged. “I’m not sure yet.”

“Let me know whenever you decide.”

I started to say something, but he was busy digging around in his pocket for his cell phone. I watched him read a text and then frown.

“What’s wrong?”

He shook his head. “Nothing, just Tony. He’s probably going to stay over tonight.”

“Is he okay? You don’t have to tell me what’s going on, I just can’t imagine something at his house could be that bad.”

Jordan glanced sideways at me and back at the road. “Promise you won’t say anything to anyone?”

“I swear.”

He exhaled, hands gripping the steering wheel tighter. “He’s probably battling his dad a lot more than his mom right now. So it’s worse when both are around, like tonight.”