Letters to Nowhere(18)

His arms folded across his chest, face not revealing any anger, but I was sure it had to be in there somewhere. Elite gymnasts were known for their obedience. I was no exception to this rule. “But where have you two been?”

“Buying tampons at Walmart,” I blurted out, holding up my two sacks. “You can alert the media now. I’m no longer at risk for osteoporosis.”

I stayed in the living room just long enough to see his mouth hang open, then I jetted up the stairs. I might have been feeling more outspoken than usual, but not enough to want to watch Bentley stumble to find something to say.


January 30

Grandma,




Do you miss Mom as much as I do? Can we just talk about it instead of reading books? We spent thirty minutes on the phone today and I didn’t ask any of the questions I really wanted to ask you. Are you so sad you can hardly breathe? Are you so sad you want to stop breathing? Sometimes I feel like that, but I can’t tell you because I’ve accepted it and I’m adjusting well.




Love, Karen




Coach Bentley,




Why didn’t you tell me there was something wrong with me? How can you read those reports and not tell us about them?




––Karen




P.S. I’m still really, really grateful that you let me stay with you and I promise to work hard to make the National Team.




Jordan,




I’m sorry you don’t know your dad very well. I wish I could help.




––Karen



***

After taking a very long shower, I trudged down the steps in my pajamas and grabbed my hat, coat, and boots before heading out the back door to sit on the patio chair half–covered with snow and ice. Coach Bentley must have been in his bedroom, which was at the opposite end of the kitchen on the first floor.


Blair,




You’re still my best friend. But I’m jealous of your family. I can’t help it. I’m going to call you and tell you my news, but I’m hoping you don’t invite me over or talk about your mom being annoying. She’s still here. Be happy about that.




Love, Karen




While bravery still swam in my veins, I dialed Blair’s number, knowing I couldn’t keep today’s events from my best friend. After Blair, I’d call Grandma and let her know, too. Especially since I’d just charged over fifty dollars to her credit card at Walmart.

Then I’d go to bed in a closet, hoping the scent of my parent’s ghosts wouldn’t envelop me in my sleep, invading my dreams.





CHAPTER SIX





January 31

Dad,




Would you call me a baby if you knew I was sleeping in the closet? Or would you let me fall asleep and then carry me to my bed, like you did when I was little and would conk out on long car rides? I know you expect more from me. I’m trying.




Love, Karen




“I finished the assignment you gave me,” I told Jackie at the beginning of our second session on Thursday.

She took a minute to carefully look over the list I had set on her desk. “Have you had a chance to talk with Coach Bentley or Jordan since Tuesday? Anything beyond the basics of who’s going where and when?”

“You could say that,” I muttered under my breath, thinking of the weird night with Jordan. We hadn’t spoken much since then, but there also hadn’t been much opportunity either. It was a mutual and comfortable living relationship. Much better than I could have hoped for.

Jackie’s face broke into a grin. “All right, spill. What’s the situation behind the blushing? Your secrets are safe here.”

Apparently therapy had turned into gossip hour. But perhaps this would keep us from talking about the one subject I was here to discuss. Especially since the panic attacks hadn’t returned. I made an immediate decision to not tell her about crying over my leotard or Jordan’s blunt mention of my orphan status, and how much lighter I had felt, speaking the truth out loud. But I did tell her everything else. Everything.

Jackie listened carefully and I could tell she was very surprised by my progress over the past two days. These answers were nowhere near scripted.

“So, yeah,” I said, concluding the story. “I’m pretty sure I scared Coach Bentley off. He’s probably going to avoid one–on–one conversation for a while. I think I should let him, you know?”

“It’s probably not as bad as it seems,” Jackie said. “You made a good choice not continuing to lie to him. It would have just added more stress to your life and I doubt you need that right now with your meet season beginning soon.”

“True.” I chewed on my bottom lip, debating a new question. “I know you’re not a medical doctor, but do you think it’s a problem that puberty is just kicking in for me? And is it possible that getting my period and bigger boobs, which will probably be next on the list given my family history—” I froze for a second, wishing I hadn’t brought family into the conversation. Jackie didn’t seem to react or show any kind of desire to switch topics, though. “Is it possible all this could be helping my gymnastics? I really think it might be. Yesterday, I did the best tumbling and beam I’ve ever done in my life and then Stacey started teaching me drills for Arabians on beam, which she’d never even considered before. I mean, it’s so hard and risky—”