Leo's Chance(66)

When I tell her about my accident, she grabs my hand and squeezes it, and it’s almost too much. I put my hands back in my own lap, knowing I don’t deserve the comfort.

I tell her about my dad’s heart attack, about Dr. Fox, about all those months lying there self-reflecting, wanting her back in my life so badly, it was a physical pain.

I tell her about following her, about blurting out my lie and then letting it continue. I cringe. I’m sickened by my deceit, but at the same time, a part of me is not sorry that it gave us the chance to find out who we are together before having to deal with all the issues my identity would have immediately brought up. I’m not sure how to reconcile these conflicting feelings, and so I don’t try. I just confess. I confess it all and I don’t hold back.

"I almost told you so many times. I was almost sure you realized who I was the night I drove you home from our first date and we sat in the car forehead to forehead, just exactly like that night I first kissed you on our roof."

She studies me quietly, looking sad and thoughtful for a few minutes, before saying, "I've always been good at pushing things aside that I didn't want to think about, good at losing myself in my own head. It's why I'm good at making up stories, I think. Being able to escape to a dreamland was a survival instinct for me. Maybe I did that with you too. Inside I knew that there was something I wasn't allowing myself to think about. I let you lie to me because the lie felt good. I admit that now."

God, that’s just like Evie, trying to take responsibility for pushing the knowledge of who I am to the back of her mind, but I reject that. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t, but this is not on her. I’m the one who lied.

"I won't let you take responsibility for any of this. Maybe you made some unconscious choices, but you can't blame yourself for that. I made all the conscious decisions. I'm the only one at fault in this situation. I understand that you need space to digest it all. But please, please, Evie, I can't lose you again. I'll never survive it twice. Can you at least try to forgive me? To understand why?" I choke out.

She pauses, and says quietly, "I don't know. I just need some time, Leo. You've just caught me up on eight years of life… a really f*cked up life… for both of us." She laughs humorlessly. "Can we… can I have some space to think? Please?"

She’s sat here and listened to my whole f*cked up story, and gone through every emotion it brings up, right along with me. I’ll give her whatever she needs.

I feel emotionally exhausted, numb, terrified that she won’t be able to forgive me. But I’ve stepped back on to the right path – I know I have. I feel it. Now, I just have to pray that she’ll join me, that it’s her path too.

As I’m about to open her door and walk out, perhaps for the last time, I say quietly, "Your gift with storytelling, Evie? It's not about you getting lost in your own mind, or living in a dreamland. It's about the beauty of your heart. It's about being able to rise above even the worst of situations. It's one of the reasons I've loved you every single day since I was eleven years old." I want the last words I say to her to be words of love.

I open her door and walk out, closing it quietly behind me.





CHAPTER 29


I spend the next couple of days in a state of quiet desperation. But I make it through the days without trying to numb the pain in any way. Instead, living with it and processing it the best I can.

I go to the gym, I bury myself in my work, and I come home at the end of the day, exhausted from all the emotions I’m dealing with, but feeling a glimmer of satisfaction for holding it together. I take this as a sign that I’m healthier than I was and I allow myself to feel a small shred of pride. I don’t know exactly what the difference is this time. Maybe it’s the time I spent with Dr. Fox, maybe it’s that there is a peace in finally telling the truth. Maybe it’s that Evie, whether she wants to move forward with me or not, didn’t look at me with disgust or hatred. Hurt, yes. Disgust, no. The relief in that alone is humbling.

My plan hasn’t changed. I’m going to fight for my girl. But I know instinctively that fighting for her means giving her the space to process everything I’ve told her.

**********

A few days after my talk with Evie, I head to the airport bright and early for some business in San Diego. Preston and I hired a new Vice President of Operations for the California office and I want to be there to welcome him. It’s not a mandatory trip, but getting out of town will help me distract myself for a day, and stop pacing in front of my door, wanting to run to Evie.

As I’m waiting for my flight to board, I listen to my messages. There’s one from a number I don’t recognize and when I listen to it, it’s Lauren.

"Jake. I need you. I’ve been arrested. Falsely, of course. These incompetent people have taken me to jail, Jake. This is unbelievable! I need you to bail me out–" Shocked, I listen as she seems to put her hand over the mouthpiece and talk to someone. Then she comes back on the phone. "Jake. Just please, get me out of here. My arraignment is on Monday morning. Book a flight! I can’t even fathom that I have to spend the night here. Have the money ready, honey. I’m at the San Diego central jail."

I stick my phone back in my jacket pocket, frowning and completely confused. Arrested? For what? I can’t believe she called me of all people. Or, I guess I can. I look up, suddenly realizing that first class boarding has started. I grab my bag and head for the plane.