Leo's Chance(60)

I want so badly to tell her I love her, but how can I do that when I’m being so selfish? Love isn’t selfish. I’ve loved her all along, but I refuse to say it to her until she knows my name.

A week after surprising her at her job, I call Doc while she’s at work.

"Jake!" he greets me. "How are you?"

"I’m okay, Doc. Work’s good."

"And Evie? How are things going with Evie?"

I haven’t spoken to Doc in person since Evie surprised me that day. I had emailed him a brief note and told him that I had re-connected with her, but nothing beyond that.

"Good. But Doc," I pause before continuing, "she didn’t recognize me. I lied to her and told her Leo died and I’m someone who knew him."

There’s a minute of utter silence. I swear I hear a pin drop on the other end of the line. "Jake." He sounds disappointed. Fuck.

"I know, Doc. I know. Believe me, I know."

"And you still haven’t told her the truth? Why?"

"Because I’m a worthless coward who took what I wanted. And I wanted her, and I thought that was the only way I could keep her from leaving. I panicked and I lied, and now… I know I have to tell her but I’m so f*cking scared. See, a worthless coward."

He sighs. "Son, you’re not a worthless anything. But you know you have to tell her the truth so you give her a real choice. Give her the choice to choose you or not, the real you."

"And if she doesn’t choose me?" My voice almost cracks but I pull it together.

"Then you know you did what's right and you show your love for her by letting her go. You respect her by letting her choose the life she wants and letting her decide what she can forgive."

We’re both silent for a couple seconds when he asks, "You on the right path, kid? Do you feel at peace inside?"

I’m silent for a second. "No." I sigh, running my hand through my hair. I’m so close though…

"Step back on it then. Tell her the truth."

I let out a sigh. "Okay. I know this, I do. Just doing it is..."

"The right thing is not always the easiest thing. But I believe in you. I believe you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. But you already know that." I hear the smile in his voice.

"Okay, Doc. Hey, I gotta run – thanks, okay?" I need to hang up before the lump in my throat rises any further.

"Okay, Jake. You can do this."

"Okay. Bye Doc."

"Bye, son."

That Friday night I make love to her in the dark, pouring all my emotions into worshipping her body. I acknowledge that I’m attempting to memorize every part of her in case I have to use my memories to last a lifetime. I’m going to tell her tomorrow. She’s made dinner plans for tomorrow night with her friends, and I can’t let this go on any longer than I already have.

I hold her in my arms that night until she falls asleep, and then I lay there in the dark, letting her scent and the feel of her soak into my soul. Will this be the last time I get to do this? Will I be able to make her understand? Will she be able to forgive me?

Finally, I ease myself out from under her sleeping body, and go out to the kitchen and pour myself a drink and take it out on the balcony. The fresh air clears my head and the alcohol starts making me sleepy after a little bit. I’m about ready to return to bed when I feel Evie’s arms wrap around me from behind. "Can’t sleep?" she asks in a sleepy voice.

"Yeah. I thought a nightcap would help. Go back to bed, baby. I’ll join you in a minute."

"Okay," she agrees, giving me a little squeeze and walking back to bed.

I had arranged a spa day for Evie the week before, thinking it would be nice for her to relax before we went out for dinner. I don’t cancel it the next morning. I want her to enjoy this, and I realize I’m buying myself a few more hours. A few more hours when I can still call her mine.

We get up and eat a light breakfast and she leaves for the spa. I shower and pull on jeans and a t-shirt before returning to the living room to wait for her. I do some work on my laptop for a few hours, but it’s hard to focus and so finally, I put it away and simply sit. I don’t try to figure out what to say when she gets back – the exact order of the words won’t matter. I don’t even know if she’ll let me explain beyond who I am and that I’ve been lying to her all this time. Will she cry? Will she be angry? Slap me? I hope she does. I deserve it. I feel nauseous and scared, but I know what I have to do and I’m going to do it. I’m scared, but resolved.

The buzzer from the front desk startles me and I snap out of the trance I’ve been in for the last hour. I pick up and the other front deskman, Carl, says into the phone, "Mr. Madsen, Ms. Cruise is downstairs. She looks... unwell. Shall I send her up?"

"Yes, of course," I say, putting my own emotions aside as worry for her grips me. She was supposed to text me so I could send a car for her. Did something go wrong at the spa?

When the elevator door opens, Evie steps off, looking pale and shell-shocked.

My heart stops. "Evie, baby, what's wrong?" I ask, putting my arms around her and leading her into my condo.

I close the door behind us and turn her toward me, taking her face in my hands. "Evie, talk to me, love, what's wrong?" My eyes roam up and down her body, looking for an injury of some sort, something to explain the look on her face.