Leo's Chance(53)

"If you don't get out, swear to God, I will call security to haul you downstairs." My hands clench and unclench at my sides.

Lauren pouts momentarily but pulls herself together and says, "Fine, Jake, have it your way."

I’ve never had it my way, not with you, you crazy bitch.

Then she steps onto the open elevator, turns and looks directly at Evie and says, "You're just one of many. You should know that."

Evie lets out a small sound that, quiet though it is, slams into my chest like a ten-ton wrecking ball. Appalled shock runs down my spine.

I stand where I am for several long seconds, trying to get a handle on my control, trying to rein in the swirling rage, wanting to choke on the overwhelming disgust at having Lauren and Evie in the same hallway.

Evie is the first to move, walking over to the elevator and pushing the button. Her movement snaps me out of my angry trance and I feel a surge of panic. She’s going to leave me now.

"Evie! Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving, Jake. Obviously you don't want me here. I'm sorry, I got off work early and I thought, I mean, I thought it would be okay. I called you… " She trails off, her eyes filling with tears, undoing me.

"Evie, baby, please. Let me explain. I'm so sorry. So f*cking sorry. I keep messing up." I run my hand through my hair, trying to figure out how to make Evie understand. I pull on her hand very, very slightly, hoping she’ll follow me into my condo. She remains still for a minute, studying my face before she lets me lead her inside. It isn’t lost on me that she leaves her things right next to the door. She’s going to let me explain, but she’s ready to make a quick getaway, should it be necessary.

**********

We sit down in my living room and I begin. "First of all, I'm so sorry I made you feel badly for coming here. You can show up here anytime you want to. I never expected my mom to…" I sigh, "We're… estranged. Things are not good between us, which I guess you could tell." I laugh humorlessly. There is nothing remotely funny about this situation.

I tell Evie about Lauren being in town to appeal to the board, and that despite having told her I want nothing to do with her, I need to deal with that issue.

I explain to her about my complicated relationship with my mom, only leaving out details of why. Even talking about Lauren at all is difficult for me. I’ve spent so many years trying to pretend the situation doesn’t exist, trying to stuff the feelings away and numb the pain of what happened in that house. It obviously didn’t work, but it was a way for me to try to move past it. I find that even telling Evie the nature of my relationship with Lauren, and that she was the reason for me acting out in high school and my stilted relationship with my dad, is very difficult.

Despite the fact that I don’t give Evie a lot of details, this is a hundred times harder than telling Doc all my darkest secrets. For one thing, Doc was my psychologist, Evie is… Evie is everything to me. The fear of her turning away when she hears even a portion of my truth is terrifying on a very deep level.

I want her to understand where my lashing out at her came from. It wasn’t right. I know that. But it came from a place that had nothing to do with Evie, not really.

"When I saw you standing there, I couldn't believe that you were even about to share her air. She's a ruthless bitch and she'll do or say anything that she thinks will further her own agenda. I wasn't mad that you were here, I was mad that you were even in the vicinity of that pit viper. And that was not your fault, but I lost it, and I'm so sorry." I plead for her understanding with my eyes.

"Jake," she says, "I feel like when you're talking about yourself, you're talking to me in code. I get the gist of what you're saying but you really haven't told me anything."

She’s completely right of course, and I feel shitty about that, but this is all I can give right now. Telling her everything about my hatred for Lauren means telling her who I am, and I just can’t muster up the courage to do it in this moment. I’m a coward. When it comes to her, I’m a coward. But, if anything, I want her to know how sorry I am.

We’re both silent for another minute before I squeeze her hands and say, "Forgive me for talking to you like that, for making you feel that way? God, for that whole f*cked up situation?"

She takes a deep breath and looks at me for several moments, frowning slightly before saying, "Yes, I forgive you. And you don't have to apologize for your mom, Jake. I know better than anyone you can't help who your parents are."

"Thank you," I say quietly, bringing her hands to my mouth and kissing her knuckles. "I never want to do anything to hurt you, Evie. Everything I do, it's because my feelings are so strong for you… I … Christ, I'm so out of my element here and there are all these f*cked up things… Just, be patient with me?"

And then my sweet Evie does the one thing that no one has done for me in eight years, the one thing I couldn’t have even asked for because I didn’t know how much I needed it. She puts her arms around me and holds me close.





CHAPTER 23


I order dinner while Evie takes a shower. I screwed up and I know it. Talking to Evie the way I did weighs heavily on my mind. My anger was at Lauren and I took it out on her. And I’m still asking her to be patient with me. How much longer will she be willing to do that? She knows I’m holding back from her, and yet she’s trusting me anyway. I think she senses that my feelings for her are honest, but she must know that what I’m holding back from her has the potential to change her mind about me. I’ll hurt her either way. And I’ll lose her either way. I stare out at the city unseeing, misery roiling through my gut.