Leave a Trail (Signal Bend #7)(18)

“You should be through the worst of it now, Badge. Where you are now? This should be the bottom.

Okay? You made it through the worst of it.” She put her hand on his face and brushed his hair back. Her hand was soft and cool, and it was the first time someone had touched him with kindness since Adrienne had roused him in his office.

He didn’t even try to be strong. He just wept.



oOo



The first Horde who came to see him, the day after Tasha had helped him, was Isaac. Badger was just clear enough again to be scared, and just strong enough again to manage to hold it together. He was still practically naked, and Isaac walked in wearing his kutte. Of course he was wearing his kutte—they were in the clubhouse. But it hurt so bad to see it.

Davey came in carrying a straight-back chair from the Hall. Even Davey’s Prospect kutte gave Badger a pang of loss and jealousy.

When Davey left, closing the door behind him, Isaac brought the chair closer to the bed, where Badger was sitting, and sat down. “Badger.”

“Isaac.”

“You look like shit.”

“Yeah. Feel a little better, though.”

“Good. You ready to talk?”

No. No, he was not ready to talk. He did not want to have this conversation. He was straight enough now to know that they weren’t going to kill him. Well, not to know for sure, but to be able to work out that if they were going to kill him, they probably would have already. But he also knew that he was out of the club. And he didn’t know how to live outside it. He’d given himself over to the Night Horde a long time ago. He’d done things in the name of the club that would have horrified him in his earlier life. He’d seen things, felt things, experienced things that were nothing but insanity without the frame of the club and the support of his brothers. So he did not want to have the talk with Isaac that would conclusively end that support. He was not ready at all.

But he met Isaac’s eyes and said, “Yeah. I’m ready.”

“You lied to us, Badger. Every day. You lied straight to my face.”

There was no way to explain everything that had been in his head, that still was in his head, no way to make anybody understand the hole he’d been in. Was in. Certainly not Isaac, whose will was stronger than anybody’s Badger had ever known. Badger couldn’t believe Isaac had known a second’s weakness in his entire life. Not even when he was paralyzed. Fuck, he was sitting right in front of him. He was riding. And he’d been paralyzed. How could somebody like that understand a * like him?

Without any way of making Isaac see, Badger just dropped his eyes to his lap and nodded.

“We can’t have that, Badge. As brothers, we have to be straight with each other. Always. Trust is all we’ve got, and it’s been in short enough supply. You understand?”

Again, still staring at his limp hands, Badger nodded.

“So what are we gonna do about it?”

“What you have to. I understand. I’m not cut out for the Horde. Too weak. I know. I’m sorry I let you down.”

Isaac didn’t answer. He was quiet for a long stretch, but Badger kept his head down.

Eventually, Isaac spoke again, his voice softer than before. “When we took you on as Prospect, you were a pimply-faced little shit. Skinny as f*ck. And you’d quake in your boots if a patch so much as looked at you twice. Len fought for you when he brought your name to the table, and he convinced us to give you a chance. But I was sure a puny little pup like you would wash out fast.”

He leaned forward, his hands on his knees. Badger looked up then and met his eyes. He saw no condemnation there, and the lack of it stunned him.

Isaac went on. “But then the Ellis shit got hot, right after you came on, and you were in it, Badge. You were in it. You didn’t back down. You took a f*ckin’ bullet guarding Lilli, and you came right back. You came out of that Perro hell alive. You’re not weak, little brother. You’re not. You’re tough as f*ck.” He took a deep breath. “You know, I know about wanting to quit. Wanting shit to just end. There were lots of times when I was laid up that I just…wanted it over. Especially when I didn’t even have my hands. Those days, if there’d been a way, I’d’ve checked out. So I understand feeling too weak to face what we have to face. I got through it because I wasn’t alone. I had Lilli and Gia, and I got through my shit because they still needed me. They wanted me. I couldn’t do it alone, so I didn’t. I leaned on my family.”

The thought of Isaac wanting to end things boggled Badger’s mind, but it wasn’t the same. Isaac had lost almost everything. Badger merely couldn’t deal with the pain and fear he’d been living with since the fall. He wasn’t man enough to overcome it. Show and Len had. He was the only one not strong enough.

“It’s not weakness that’s the problem here, Badge. It’s trust. You are not alone. You fell because you’re acting like you’re alone. You didn’t trust us enough to let us hold you up. And you lied. You put us at greater risk every time you went on a run f*cked up.” He leaned forward even farther and wrapped his big paw around Badger’s arm. “Did you go on a weed run f*cked up?”

Badger’s first inclination was to deny it, to lie. But he paused, took a breath, and nodded.

Isaac released his arm roughly and sat back. “Fuck. You see our problem?”