Kiss and Don't Tell(92)

“You’re crazy.” She shakes her head and turns to her waffles.

“Why?” I ask. “Because I know what I want?”

She side-eyes me. “Because I sucked your cock and now you’re sporting heart eyes.”

I throw my head back and laugh before closing the distance between us and kissing her on the cheek. “Babe, I was sporting heart eyes before your delectable mouth sucked my cock, you just didn’t see them yet because you were still guarded. It wasn’t until I nibbled on your clit that you finally lifted the veil and saw what was right in front of you—a man infatuated with you.” I stand from the table and say, “I’m going to finish packing. Are your bags ready to go?”

She blinks a few times and then nods. “Yeah, they’re by my door.”

“I’ll put them in Minnie. Is there anything you need before we leave?”

“I don’t believe so.” Her head tilts to the side as she studies me.

“What?” I ask.

She smiles and tugs on my shirt. “You’re a good guy, Pacey Lawes.”

“Remember that when I do something stupid, which most likely will happen.”

She chuckles. “I’ll plug it away for when that moment comes, because being a woman, I know it will come. Just a matter of time.”

I place a chaste kiss on her lips and take my plate to Stephan, who gives me a nod. I head to my room to finish packing my suitcase. I’m not taking everything I brought with me, just a small bag, and if for some unpredictable reason I don’t come back to the cabin, I’ll have the boys pack up the rest for me, and I’ll have one of the guys drive my car back to Vancouver.

As I finish packing my toiletries, there’s a knock on my door. Before I can say “come in”, the door opens and Holmes peeks his head in. “Can I come in?”

“Sure,” I answer.

He shuts the door behind him and leans against it, crossing his arms over his chest.

When he doesn’t say anything, I ask, “What’s up, man?”

He looks toward the window as he says, “I wanted to make sure we’re cool.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I don’t regret my threat, because I’m glad that you’re going to see Doc, but I also know it was overstepping. I don’t want there to be any bad blood.”

“Was I pissed when you said you’d tell Coach? Fuck yeah, I was, but I also understand where you’re coming from, and I can’t hold that against you, Holmes.”

He wets his lips and keeps his eyes on the ground as he says, “I can’t stop thinking about what I could’ve done differently with Holden. If I’d seen the signs earlier of his depression, if I’d looked for help, if I’d set aside my skates for a goddamn second and helped him, would he still be here?”

“Dude, you couldn’t have controlled anything about that night, about Holden’s behavior. That was on him.”

“But I can’t help but wonder.” His eyes meet mine. “It’s why I threw down the threat with you, because I knew that it would make you leave, make you get checked out. It was all I had left in my arsenal.”

“You don’t have to explain to me, Halsey,” I say, seeing the weight of the world on his shoulders.

He toes the ground and quietly says, “You’re my brother, Pacey.” His eyes connect with mine. “I can’t lose another.”

“I know.” Guilt consumes me that my actions would worry Holmes so much. “I’m going to get it sorted, I promise. I’m just scared, is all. I’m not sure what they’re going to say, and I can’t stop playing yet.”

“But you’re not one hundred percent. Maybe that fear is there for a reason. Maybe it’s protecting you.”

“It’s hindering me.” I step up to him and say, “Just like your fear of losing someone else is hindering your ability to get close to anyone besides us.”

“There isn’t enough room in my goddamn soul to worry about anyone else,” Holmes says, his voice cracking. He drags his hand over his mouth as he avoids eye contact. “Look, I just wanted to make sure we’re cool.”

“You know we are. I don’t hold grudges against my boys.”

“Cool.”

He pushes off the door and reaches for the handle when I say, “Hey, Halsey.”

He looks over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

“You can’t let your brother’s death dictate your future. He wouldn’t want that.”

“If he cared about everyone in his life, he never would’ve driven that night.” And with that, Holmes yanks open my door and vanishes into the hallway.

Sighing, I collapse on my bed. Fuck. Holmes needs some help, more than I expected. And, yeah, we might be enabling his reclusiveness, but we also don’t know how to handle him either. We don’t know how to help, because any time we talk to him about what happened, he becomes angry like he just did.

I drag my hand over my face.

One problem at a time. Once I figure out what’s going on with my head, I’m going to pull the boys together and come up with a plan to help Holmes. We’re not doctors or psychologists, but we have access to some of the best of both due to our jobs. And maybe it’s time to utilize that to help a brother.